Rip Van Winkle Beard Scarf
Though I probably could have winged it here, I decided to look up the tale of Rip Van Winkle and his boa constrictor beard after being asked if I was "some kind of retard" for not knowing who he is. Having been written by a Puritanical American in the early 19th century, the story sounds boring as hell, but Wikipedia's synopsis of Van Winkle's life leading up to his great slumber (I'll get to that in a minute) uses the word "henpecked" multiple times, which cracks me up because, how 'bout that term's evolution over time*? Anyway, henpecked Rip went off into the mountains with his dog one day and met some guys and drank some booze and before he knew it he was waking up to a beard longer than his person and heading back to a town where no one knew him. He had been asleep for 20 years**!
What we can all take away from this exercise is that Alexa Allamano's scarf and face warmer knitted in the likeness of Rip Van Winkle's inordinately long beard makes an excellent face warmer. It also expertly disguises women as men. I had no idea the garment's model was a girl until I caught a glimpse of her pectoral region in one of the profile shots. And still I'm having trouble reconciling this reveal. I would highly recommend all women who do not want to get hit on by me on wear Allamano's opus o' yarn whenever they go out.
At a whopping 28 feet long, the Rip Van Winkle scarf and muzzle nuzzler is guaranteed to keep any neck and face warm. Probably even those in the Arctic Circle and that ice bar in Vegas and anyone who happens to cross paths with Jennifer Lopez. Allamano knits the beard from a wool/acrylic blend and includes yarn ear loops for facial attachment.
*It starts with a "P" and ends with a "whipped."
**The person who called me a retard said he slept for 100 years, which is 5 times longer than his actual slumber, so who's the Rain Man now? No, actually one step down from Rain Man because at least Rain Man could do math.