Accessories

Titty Twirlers Pasties

$20 from Etsy »

Here comes the airplane! Titty Twirlers are propellor pasties that put a twist on the traditional showstopping effect we typically expect the wind to have on a lady's (or dude's, per the video) wardrobe. I mean, Marilyn...

Batman Flask Belt Buckle

$16.99 from Hip Flask Plus »

It may not aid him in faceoffs with the Joker, but this inconspicuous 3-ounce flask is the one secret weapon on Batman's utility belt that helps him fight the urge to bitch slap Robin. And Alfred when he starts getting...

Spider-Man Webbed Sunglasses

$219.95 from Sunglass Hut »

Maui Jim originally made these Special Edition Kekoa sunglasses for the Amazing Spider-Man, but the Amazing Spider-Man was all, "I'm the Amazing Spider-Man! I don't need no stinkin' UV protection! Also, I have four times...

HALO LED Sport Belt

$49 from Amazon »

Even though I would prefer not to get hit by a car, I still have trouble getting stoked about wearing and using reflective devices. Bike lights break or get stolen, patches only work when other lights are around to bounce...

Recycled Ramen Noodle Pouch

$12 from Etsy »

Recycled Ramen noodle soup wrappers transform into zippered pouches for stashing coins, cards, smoking paraphernalia, and...uh, anything else smaller than a Ramen noodle soup wrapper. Packaging is cleaned prior to change...

Alexander McQueen Skull Tie

$175 from Mr Porter »

One thing about Alexander McQueen is he's dead. So the Alexander McQueen Skull Tie may in fact be a tie fashioned in the likeness of Alexander McQueen's skull. Hopefully to be followed by cuff link representations of...

Machine Gun Stockings

Sold Out from Amazon »

Ladies, when it's Saturday night, and you can't decide whether you're on the prowl for the suave James Bonds a garter holster and peek-a-boo pistol would attract, or the BSC Tony Montana-type lured more by a fully automatic...

F*ck the Rain Umbrella

A picture is worth a thousand words. Or maybe just two of our most favorite ones, directed towards the supreme asshole of regular climatological events. It seems like all of our best laid plans revolve around the temperamental...

Guess Who? Fleshy Frames

$258.25 from 6000 AD »

My guess is that this photo is a pretty accurate representation of what goes down when sexy ladies lacquered in F-me red fingernails catch sight of a man rockin' a porn 'stache of this caliber. 6000 AD's Jeremy Scott...

Peanut Butter & Jelly Wallet

$8.75 from Amazon »

This nifty Peanut Butter & Jelly Wallet with photo-real fabric looks so authentic petty thieves and street urchins will never suspect it's housing your cash and credit cards. On the flip side, beware of fat kids. Each...

Indestructible Biometric Wallet

Discontinued

Like the women who fall prey to your Don Juan wiles, the Biometric Wallet opens up to your touch, and your touch alone. It is an equally high-tech and high-fashion financial bodyguard that is virtually indestructible...

The Pillow Tie

$19.95 from Pillow Tie »

Neck-to-pillow contact : Kelly Brook :: Neck-to-tie contact : Rosie O'Donnell. Therefore, neck-to-Pillow-Tie contact = hmmm, Zooey Deschanel? Or maybe topless Anna Paquin. Listen, Pillow Ties are not a substitute for...

R2D2 Apron

Discontinued

What woman wouldn't want a gift that reminds her both of her domestic duties and the George Lucas empire you eat, breathe, and talk about nonstop? R2D2 apron = Valentine's Day, solved. The newest addition to the Haute...

Goomba Cufflinks

Sold Out from Etsy »

If you like these goomba cufflinks, you probably hate wearing the types of shirts that require cufflinks, so owning a pair might make the inevitable wedding, funeral, Christmas party, or arraignment you have to dress...

The Boob Scarf

$30 from Etsy »

Breast enhancement surgery is a major decision every 16 year old girl has to make for herself. Why not give the new look a trial run first while at the very same time keeping your neck warm? Don't think that's possible?...

Sunstache

If your audition for the Clever Devil Brigade is coming up, but you don't have the cash to tattoo a mustache on your index finger, an $8 solution is here!...

Mini Monkey Nail Polish Dryer

Sold Out from Amazon »

This little battery operated monkey has one job. Blowing. Women have long despised blowing, so why not buy a monkey to get the job done for you. Just press the button, sit back, and relax while this cute little guy does...

Walk of Shame Patch

$4 from Etsy »

The walk of shame is something to be celebrated. It wasn't easy convincing that frat boy to let you sleep on the ground next to his mattress. Your shame should be worn on your chest as a badge of honor. This patch gives...

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LED Eyelashes

These are aptly named. An ingenious piece of technology wrought from Asian women's desire to have larger eyes, these seem more fit for the drug-and-urine-splattered concrete floor of the next rave in Omaha, Nebraska....

The Batarang Money Clip

$39 from ThinkGeek »

Imagine this: You're on a date. As usual, things aren't going very well. She's finished her 3rd drink and still sees a slack jawed lummox when she looks across the table. The tab arrives. You, being the sucker that you...