Accessories

KATANA Personal Safety Smartphone Wallet

$49.99 from Amazon »

See that notch on the KATANA personal safety smartphone wallet? And the tab the lady is pulling on to draw something out of the back of the cardholder? Guess what it is. Nope. Not a katana. Not a sword at all. It's a...

Meal Socks Box

$43.49 from Amazon »

Why do my burger & fries taste like cardboard? Actually, it's more like...poly-cotton yarn. Better wash it away with my beer - ugh! My beer tastes like sweaty feet! What is this, Heineken?...

Limited Edition The Mandalorian The Child 6-Pin Set

$26.11 from Amazon »

The Baby Yodas in Amazon's limited edition The Mandalorian The Child 6-Pin Set have something poking out besides their ears. No! You dirty minds! Metal skewers soldered to each of their backs, so you can flair up your...

Torpedo Pill Holder

$17.99 from Amazon »

Launch Vitamin D, CoQ10 & CBD missiles! For all your tough pills to swallow, here's the Torpedo Pill Holder, an even tougher container to carry them in. Made of aerospace aluminum, the projectile-shaped piece of EDC is...

Grid Antimicrobial Copper Wallet

$85 from GRID »

The Grid Antimicrobial Copper Wallet would like to take you off the Grid. And by "you" I mean any bacteria and viruses that dare try to infiltrate its armor - the Grid Copper starts killing them upon contact...

Lucyd Loud Audio Sunglasses

$59.99 - $99.99 from Lucyd »

Just as Bluetooth connectivity has brought us hands-free talking, it, along with gadgety eyewear like the Lucyd Loud Audio Sunglasses and Bose Frames, has kinda brought us ear-free listening. Lucyd Loud is fitted with...

The Dick Belt

$18.99 from Etsy »

The Dick Belt is funny and all, but I'm not sure how many places I'd feel comfortable wearing it. Not because the belt itself looks stifling or like a gut digger, but because, I mean, do I really want to add "cock unfurling"...

Friendship Test Pin Set

$12.99 from Amazon »

Why do I have to take a friendship test? Cornelius is my bro, he knows I'd do anything for him. Come over and jump his car at 6 a.m. Wingman him at an interpretive dance performance and reception the barista he's horndoggin'...

The Weatherman Umbrella for 55MPH Winds

$64 from Amazon »

The Weatherman Umbrella knows not everyone can be Mary Poppins on a rainy day, but when the wind picks up anyone with a crappy umbrella can be...the dude who gets drenched and disheveled because his umbrella blows inside...

Pocket Cane - Ultra-Compact Walking Cane

$49 from Amazon »

Instant pimp, at your service. And, sure, the Pocket Cane is also a convenient and less cumbersome way for the injured and elderly to keep a walking stick close at hand...

I Wash My Hands of The Virus COVID-19 Buttons

$14.95 - $118.95 from Amazon »

I guess these I Wash My Hands of The Virus buttons are the equivalents of I Voted buttons for people who practice responsible COVID-19 prevention practices. Or maybe they'll appeal to the growing frustration with the...

GloFX Pixel Pro Infinite Portal Goggles

$94.99 from Amazon »

Call me 4-eyes again and I'll suck you into the hell portals that are the outer 2 of them! Nah, I'm just kiddin'. I'm too high to do that right now. Let's just dance like maniacs to the strobing LEDs and pass out once...

CVS Receipt Scarf

$19.95 from Amazon »

Thanks for shopping at CVS! Here's your 6'-long receipt for the pack of condoms you bought for you 6"-long penis. Yep, our receipts are long and strong, here to make you feel inadequate and environmentally unfriendly...

Nubrella Wearable Hands-Free Umbrella

Sold Out from Amazon »

I don't know why my first instinct...and second and third...is to make fun of the Nubrella. A wearable hands-free umbrella that mounts to your back, shielding you from rain and shading you from sun, no gripping, positioning...

Beer Mug Socks

$34.90 from Etsy »

These Beer Mug Socks are actually more like Beer Mug Leg Warmers, but yarn maestro Vicky Djokic probably figured referring to her most excellent hand-knit frothy pints o' brew as "leg warmer" would deter men from clicking...

Westwell Modular Tool Belts

$45 - $95 from Westwell »

Westwell isn't the first handycompany to sneak tools into the buckles of their fashion belts, but they are the first I've seen to make the tools modular and swappable, as well as with an option to keep them completely...

4EST Shades Floating Wood Sunglasses

$49.99 from Amazon »

They come from the 4EST, but these wood sunglasses have no problem heading to the ocean, lake, or river too. Made from real maple, the wayfarers are lightweight and low-density, so if you drop them in the water, they'll...

Dango Coin Capsule

Coins. What a pain in my ass. Piles of them overflow various dishes and trays around my condo, smirking at me from behind their hugely disproportionate ratio of weight and manageability to value. Even the quarter suck...

Polarized XXL Sunglasses for People with Big Heads

$75 from Faded Days »

Got a fat head on the wrong end? Faded Days isn't the only brand that makes polarized XXL sunglasses for people with big heads, but they do seem particularly committed to the process. First they ran a wide-head-sunglasses...

Foldies Polarized Folding Sunglasses

$69 from Amazon »

If you've got that sunshine in your pocket, better keep a pair of Foldies folding sunglasses in your other one. The unisex wayfarers have a hinge at their bridge and on each arm to break them down into a compact puck...

Master Carver Meerschaum Pipes

$75 - $625 from Amazon »

I'm not sure I'd want to put anything in these Master Carver Meerschaum Pipes and smoke it - they're just so intricate and byoo-tee-ful. And expensive. What if tobacco, or the stanky green stuff, ruined it?...

Nite Ize RunOff Waterproof Wallet

$24.99 from Amazon »

The Nite Ize RunOff Waterproof Wallet helps you hike, paddle, sail, and hoof it 2 miles back to your hotel in the pouring rain assured that your valuables are safe and dry inside its impermeable TPU walls and IPX7-rated...

Sawyer Utility Bracelet

$39 from Amazon »

I like the Sawyer Utility Bracelet. I like it for its leather-and-steel aesthetic, and I like it for its proposed method of carrying around a utility knife, which is one that takes up zero room, and creates zero bulge...

Self-Defense Coin Bag

$39.99 from Amazon »

George Washington, Franklin Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson, and Abe Lincoln team up to deliver the ultimate bitch slap, packing a whack! from inside your self-defense coin bag. And after they're done, you'll be all ready...