A Geek's Gift Guide of Gadgets, Gear and Novelties    * Updated daily

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Thursday, April 25, 2013
$11.02 from Amazon »

Not only is this item called Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce, but it's sold by a vendor named Professor Phardtpounders. How tacky and immature. I want some. Specifically, I want a concoction of Scotch bonnet peppers, mustard, modified...

Friday, March 8, 2013
$12.99 from Amazon »

This idea of hanging strips of pork candy on the Makin' Bacon microwave rack seems preferable to my grandma's method of pounding cooked pieces between an entire roll of paper towels. No speck of grease goes unabsorbed! She...

Friday, March 2, 2012
$275.32 from Amazon »

This App-Controlled Quadricopter is kind of like a high-def flight simulator, except when you crash and burn, the propellered apparatus you're flying gets destroyed in real life too. Meet the Parrot AR.Drone 2.0, powered and navigated via on-board WiFi and camera systems by iPhone, iPod Touch, iPad, and select Android smartphones....

Monday, May 20, 2013
$49 from Firefly »

Fireflies seem to be a popular metaphor for commodities of the free market lately. There's the Firefly Blue Laser Lamp, Firefly flying helicopter toys, Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka...mmmm...and our most current personification...

Sunday, July 21, 2013
$19.95 from Amazon »

Point 1: Crafting traditional sushi rolls requires the finesse and fine motor skills of a surgeon. Point 2: Compact 3D squares of food look way cooler and more Willy Wonka magical than squat cylinders of it. Ergo: Bring on...

Friday, March 15, 2013
$52.25 from Palomar »

Felt wall maps of Amsterdam, Berlin, London, New York, and Paris for people who live in or have visited or just sorta like the idea of Amsterdam, Berlin, London, New York, and Paris. All come with 15 push pins for marking favorite streets and venue locations, or turning the maps into bulletin boards for displaying photos, tickets, and that huge, gnarly scab I was able to rip off in one piece a...

Wednesday, November 13, 2013
$39.95 from Amazon »

Mmmm I do like me some hot hot wings and some cold cold cuts. I also like the word "soapstone", which reminds me of one of my favorite childhood treats: licking bars of Ivory soap. No joke. It's as mild and pleasurable on...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012
$24.99 from ThinkGeek »

Who better to scrape the 8 inches of snow and half-inch screen of mother f'in ice off your windshield this winter than the abominable snowman himself? Or at least his severed limb. Slide on the Wampa Ice Scraper Mitt, and...

Friday, August 26, 2011

Some evil genius has taken portraits of siblings and fused them together into one person. The result? Creepy, often androgynous portraits of people I'll surely be seeing in my nightmares tonight....

Thursday, June 6, 2013
$10 from Lollyphile »

Oh, would that they were made of real breast milk...that would be F'ing sick. But in the grand spirit of edible items simply modeled after choice body parts*, the Lollyphile's Breast Milk Lollipops don't contain actual breast...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Saturday, June 22, 2013
$18 - $45 from Society 6 »

You're going to have to buy a print, T-shirt, hoodie, or tote bag of The Periodic Table of the Muppets if you want to see the details of this comprehensive compilation of Jim Henson's finest because the Internet is showing...

Friday, August 23, 2013
$13.72 from Amazon »

I'm not sure whose poor planning skills decided The Snacking Dead: A Parody in a Cookbook should be released after the October 13th Season 4 opener of The Walking Dead, thus eliminating all of its potential profits from themed...

Friday, January 20, 2012
Discontinued

When zombies get to your neighborhood Voodoo priest, everyone wins! Sure, he's going to inhale the amygdalas directly from the heads of your loved ones, but as a reward for your assistance and cooperation, he'll convert their...

Tuesday, January 8, 2013
$17 from Amazon »

True apple addicts don't have time to slough off the forbidden fruit's skin one strip at a time with a handheld peeler or their fingernails. And while other crank peelers technically get the job done expediently, their clunky...

Thursday, August 8, 2013
$4.99 from Amazon »

Do you think XAPPR is pronounced "Zapper" as in "Xylophone," and as in "Shoot 'em up with your smartphone," or "Ex-app-ear" as in "X-ray," and as in "Push the button and your ex will magically materialize before you, naked...

Saturday, September 15, 2012
$7 from 604 Republic »

About. Damn. Time. I hate this little prick. I could throw darts at Joffrey Baratheon's face all day long. I mean, I could shoot at it too, but my aim isn't so hot, and it would be a bummer to miss and hit someone I don't...

Monday, July 15, 2013
$19.95 from Amazon »

I think all kids should be given a Chalktrail and told to ride however they want around a big open driveway or parking lot. Then when they've finished a bunch of child psychologists can come in to examine and assess their...

Monday, September 26, 2011
Discontinued

Available individually (for $20) or in this set of four, these prints depict some of your favorite Star Wars characters as children. Each print is 12x12 inches with a semi-gloss finish. Great for Star Wars fans... obviously....

Sunday, May 6, 2012
$99 - $199 from Amazon »

In a gross affront to smartphones, GPS devices, and certain anatomical organs, littleBits has declared that we as a society should return to the days of using our brains to do our thinking. The simple, space-sensitive blocks--similar...

Tuesday, October 30, 2012
$189.95 from Montie Gear »

Joerg Sprave is a force to be reckoned with in the world of slingshots. Much like I am a force to be reckoned with in the world of soft-serve ice cream consumption. His high-performance GloveShot incorporates a hand brace...

Monday, October 29, 2012
$60 from eton »

You know what kids these days need? Manual labor. Because they're lazy. Also, cellphone battery backups. Because they're irresponsible. Also, greasy, acne-ridden pubescent teen years. Because they're a bunch of little narcissists....

Tuesday, March 20, 2012
$7.98 from Amazon »

There is a detailed scientific explanation for why otherwise-translucent Tekno Bubbles glow majestic blues and golds under the phosphorescent umbrella of a black light, but we were so Svengalied by the pretty colors we forgot...

Monday, April 15, 2013
$2,580 from Design Collectors »

Vitra's MVS Chaise, named for its Belgian designer, Maarten Van Severen, applies ergonomic principles similar to those of the Zero Gravity Recliner, but adopts an even slimmer profile and sleeker, minimalist lines to double...

Saturday, December 29, 2012
$325 - $425 from Roxy Russell Design »

I got stung by a jellyfish once in the evil waters of Florida's Gulf Coast. On the ankle. Yeah, the stories are true. It hurts like a mother. I don't know how Will Smith did it in Seven Pounds, aka The Saddest Movie Ever Made...

Thursday, July 18, 2013
$25.95 from Amazon »

You already stand at the kitchen counter eating spoonfuls of peanut butter straight out of the jar anyway, so why not make the guilty pleasure even more enjoyable with PB Crave's addition of the ingredients you might pile...

Tuesday, December 6, 2011
$199.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

This "casually" posed inflatable snowman certainly makes a statement "lounging" in your pristine front lawn. And that statement is that two gay guys live here. Five internal lights illuminate the snowman, making him look as...

Tuesday, January 15, 2013
$2 from Amazon »

LEGO Minifigure ice cubes and chocolates: cool. But how about LEGO Minifigure pads of butter? LEGO Minifigure Jell-O shots? LEGO Minifigure frozen Pedialyte for sick kiddos? The possibilities for transcending all previous...

Thursday, April 11, 2013
$2,460 from The D* Haus »

Taking a page out of Prince's book during Prince's Unpronounceable Symbolic Moniker years, this transformable coffee table calls itself D*. D'Asterisk? Dusterisk? Well if you rotate it 90 degrees clockwise it kind of looks...

Saturday, July 27, 2013
$1,998 from Amazon »

If I were to stumble upon, say, a honey badger battling a cobra, or a monkey washing a cat, I wonder how close I would be able to sneak before disrupting the event and getting myself killed. Probably not close enough to satisfy...

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Downgraded in size, upgraded in awesomeness. These J3SIM Professional Racing Simulators have been tailored for both race centers and home use to give drivers the the same adrenaline explosion and propensity to projectile vomit...

Tuesday, February 12, 2013
$24 - $39 from Voy Voy »

This yuppy East Coast trend baffles me. But VoyVoy built-in pocket square T-shirts constitute one I could support without feeling like a pretentious tool. Because unlike numerous layered Polos with their collars up, pocket...

Saturday, September 29, 2012
$22.80 from Amazon »

Ho. Ly. Balls. Does anyone have some Glow-in-the-Dark Toilet Paper, because I think I just crapped my pants. If one twisted, dagger-toothed, Joker-on-acid clown mask isn't enough for you this Halloween, how about a conjoined...

Tuesday, October 2, 2012
$60 from 80stees.com »

They call the Optimus Prime Hoodie a costume, but come on. I would rock that shizit out any day of the year. Particularly days when I feel like spontaneously transforming into a brave and wise leader of robots (with accompanying...

Monday, September 5, 2011
$495 from Amazon »

Every detail is authentic, richly realistic and true to the Academy Award winning epic film. The board is a magnificent work of art, detailing the story of Frodo, the reluctant hero of The Shire, and the friends and foes he...

Friday, May 3, 2013
$13 from Mama Walker »

Mama said WHAT? Mama said 2 parts Maple Bacon to 1 part Jameson for a breakfast of champions. Mama Walker's Breakfast Liqueurs cater to legit drinkers, legit breakfast lovers, and old people with no teeth who must follow a...

Sunday, January 13, 2013
$12 - $22 from CRL Products »

Never one to pass up the opportunity to protect myself or promote hearing loss, I think I'll take a Cybernetic Research Labs Tactical Whistle in every color. I'll give the pink one to the next girl I ask out as assurance that...

Thursday, August 2, 2012
$18.99 - $36 from Amazon »

This ain't no Pooh Bear honey. Fortified with freshly chopped habanero peppers, the meaty smoke of a hot grill, and a subtle dose of bee nectar, Honey Badger BBQ Sauce will grab you by the nuts, make you lick the sun, and...

Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

Suzanne says her Ghost Jelly is perfect for your favorite hotty. I think it's perfect for my friend Cornelius' toast, which I will butter and jelly up for him out of kindness, and inform him is smeared with orange marmalade...

Friday, July 6, 2012
$9.95 from Cool Material »

By the dawn's early light I sit toiling to put together a sharp, informative, borderline offensive--though mostly to people I don't really care about offending--description of this Shit I Gotta Fucking Get Done Notebook, and...

Wednesday, August 31, 2011
$18.25 from Amazon »

Let's face it, even though we're adults now (sort of), we're still very damn scared a little bit scared of the dark. Rather than walk this path alone, why not carry a known Jedi weapon at your side? It provides a sense of...

Wednesday, June 12, 2013
$29.99 from Amazon »

Could we get these Mermaid Swim Fins in a color other than powder pink, please? Because I would maybe like to wear one. Also, could we get some females over the age of 18 to model them, please? Because I would maybe like to...

Friday, September 16, 2011
$20.95 from 604 Republic »

Bert and Ernie, long suspected of being gay (or bi at least) make their first appearance as zombies... as depicted on this t-shirt, and still fail to quell rumors of their questionable heterosexuality. That's why the duck...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

As digitial artist and iPoo creator, Milos Paripovic, so eloquently puts it: If you look at a toilet and see the Apple logo, that's commentary on your psyche, not his design. This silver spectacle was lovingly contoured to...

Saturday, August 11, 2012
$4,185.48 from Amazon »

I feel the need, the need for...Maverick and Goose. Projected 9' feet tall onto a giant inflatable movie screen in my backyard. The CineBox Backyard Theater System beams movies, recorded concerts, video games, and Monday Night...

Monday, May 27, 2013
$12.98 - $63.99 from Amazon »

On the one hand, a sippy wine glass is really dumb. But on the other, it is kind of useful, as wine is very easy to knock over or dribble on your brand new Wool & Prince button-up when someone tells one of the funniest jokes...

Monday, July 1, 2013
$399.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

Fact: no one wants robots to take our jobs. Fact also: but it wouldn't be so bad if they took our jobs that are household chores that we do not enjoy. Winbot, a window washing robot, does for glass cleanliness what Sonte app-controlled...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011
$350 from Etsy »

The iRetrofone Base is a fully-functional, stationary iPhone dock with working handset and complete compatibility with USB cable. Each individual iRetrofone is hand-sculpted and hand-cast in urethane resin. Designed to be...

Monday, June 3, 2013
By: Behance

One of the first things you learn at Carulla Cooking School in Bogota, Colombia is how to use a knife. That's after you learn one of the first things you learn in Bogota, Colombia, which is how to use a gun (and where to buy...

Thursday, May 2, 2013
$3k from Etsy »

The steampunk Nintendo controller coffee table isn't fully-functional like other versions of Charles Lushear's take on the iconic gaming system, but on the bright side, this means it is less likely to get broken during heated...

Friday, October 28, 2011
Sold Out from Amazon »

The long-awaited cross between an electronic cigarette and an asthmatic's inhaler has arrived! In 6 to 8 puffs, Aeroshot injects 100 mg of caffeine--the equivalent of one large cup of coffee--into your bloodstream. No more...

Friday, July 27, 2012
$375 from Etsy »

The Patriot Mask is one of my favorite masks that I have created. Oh. I guess I should put quotes around or italicize that statement since it was said by the person who isn't me who actually created it. Leather artist El Vaquero...

Thursday, November 14, 2013
$59.99 from Amazon »

Hikaru Sulu: master of botany. Of gymnastics. Of ancient weaponry. Of advanced starship manipulation. And now, of perfume. The logical next step. Excelsior! Onward and upward!...

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Well, there's no beating my Balls. They're made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls. The classic SNL skit comes to life in the form of delicious schweddy balls ice cream. Mmmm.... I can...

Wednesday, April 4, 2012
$2,195 - $2,895 from Etsy »

Mini gangstaz, flower children, and future ice cream truck drivers of America can dream of what their licenses may one day bring while snuggled into and drooling all over these handcrafted twin beds. The Hummer H2 behemoth...

Tuesday, October 8, 2013
$8.99 - $36 from Get Up and Go »

Get Up and Go baked goods advertise their delivery of caffeine without the coffee. Having consumed several...in the past 11 minutes...I would advertise that, even better, they jack up my motivation and focus without the puckered...

Monday, July 22, 2013
$14.95 - $59.95 from CeramiPro »

The way it usually goes with knives is that they either cost a lot or they suck. (Note: both varieties seem to be equally capable of gashing through my finger such that I require stitches and a tetanus shot.) CeramiPro's Phantom...

Friday, October 5, 2012
Sold Out from Etsy »

Given the popularity and loyal following of our last Arkham Harley Quinn costume, I admittedly questioned whether or not there was room for another. And after much deliberation, and approximately 72 minutes of gazing at both...

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Tuesday, April 2, 2013
$129.99 - $149.99 from STACT »

Any wall-mounted apparatus that holds the juice of the gods and resembles the Pachinko game from The Price Is Right earns high marks on my scrutinizing scorecard of things I encounter in life. Fabricated from aircraft-grade...

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Rub-a-dub-dub meets Rawwwr, I'll eat your face! in Dutch designer Wieki Somers' Viking-inspired cleansing vessel. If St. Olaf ever bathed, this rich and tasteful tub is where he would do it. Made of oak and red cedar, and...

Thursday, January 31, 2013
$24.99 - $37.99 from Amazon »

Just one question: how did Romney as the Ronmy make it into this set of Presidential Monster Action Figures? Some wishful thinker jump the gun on production? Because if we're throwing in any old yayhoo just for running, how's...

Friday, February 15, 2013
$225 from Minor Asset »

Table Lamp 3. That's a nice secret code phrase for lightsaber, Andrew Haarsager. No one would ever suspect your true intentions of arming people with phosphorescent vectors of power primed to splice through space and unprotected...

Friday, October 7, 2011
$30 from SUCK UK »

Everyone suspects that their cat is a pretty decent DJ. But does your cat have what it takes to spin at the big Vegas venues? Could he host a Kardashian party.... the ultimate gig? Don't just throw him directly into the mix....

Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

I don't know how practical zooming through the terminal atop my scooter-fitted carry-on would be in LAX or ATL, but the next time I get delayed by a snowstorm in Des Moines, drag racing with the courtesy transporters is on....

Friday, January 20, 2012
$28 from Etsy »

Best friend relationships are difficult. It seems there always has to be a leader and a follower. How these roles are formed is a question best left to someone other then me. But these two, pee and poo, seem to have it figured...

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Wondering what time it is? Wondering if your face is about to melt off? This tactical Swiss quartz watch with an integrated Geiger-Muller tube has your back. A US military gadget supplier designed the timepiece to measure...

Friday, December 23, 2011

Although not quite running true to the movie in substance, in look and feel, this Fight Club bar of soap replica has it nailed. Claiming to be made from electrolytes, caffeine and "punching" it looks like it will smell (and...

Tuesday, July 16, 2013
$39.99 from Amazon »

I enjoy cooking over an open flame, but hovering over an open flame with my delicate body and luscious, flowing locks? Not so much. Bob-A-Cue is a portable campfire grill whose name would be much cooler if it's surface were...

Saturday, January 28, 2012
Discontinued

What woman wouldn't want a gift that reminds her both of her domestic duties and the George Lucas empire you eat, breathe, and talk about nonstop? R2D2 apron = Valentine's Day, solved. The newest addition to the Haute Mess...