Bleeding Hand Candle

Sold Out from Etsy »

Poor Thing. Someone lit him on fire and in the absence of a mouth, or thumb and forefinger that can reach the top of his wrist, it looks like he's doomed to burn. If you give him a few minutes I hear blood will start...

Skull & Spine Beer Bong

$9.99 from Amazon »

Obviously this skull & spine beer bong establishes instant credibility by appearing in photos with a can of PBR. Which is a gustatory delight because, as I say every time I take my first drink of a tall boy, it tastes...

Thorns In - The Glove You Can't Take Off

$978 from Sruli Recht »

Thorns In meaning #1: Ten thousand mic-rose thorns lining the inside of this shark skin glove. Thorns In meaning #2: Ten thousand mic-rose thorns gouging fish-hook style into the hand of its wearer, such that pulling...

No Face Mask

$9.11 from Amazon »

Sweeeeeet! I was wondering how I could pull off being a spoon for Halloween. Like mirrored sunglasses, the No Face Mask's outer film has a chrome effect that renders your mug invisible to onlookers, but keeps theirs in...

SinuPulse Nasal Irrigation System

$79.95 from Amazon »

In a way the SinuPulse Nasal Irrigation System is just as gross as Nosefrida the Snotsucker nasal aspirator due to their similar purposes in life: extractors of snot. But in a way it's not because the Nosefrida is intended...

Get Up and Go Caffeinated Baked Goods

$8.99 - $36 from Get Up and Go »

Get Up and Go baked goods advertise their delivery of caffeine without the coffee. Having consumed several...in the past 11 minutes...I would advertise that, even better, they jack up my motivation and focus without the...

Biomechanical Spinal Armor

$750 from Etsy »

JP Rishea of Bionic Concepts has created a bit of a name for himself in the cyber/steampunk gadgetry world. From his exo-gauntlet to his gas-powered LED wings, Rishea's designs always emerge as strangely tasty meals for...

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Griz Coats

Giveaway: Griz Coats

Our contribution to your Halloween bedecking comes courtesy of yard upon yard of faux fur, wads of foam finessed into the heads of beasts, and the very generous ursine and lupine outerwear enthusiasts at Griz Coat. Enter...

OSM Kinetic Sculptural Toy

$9.99 from Hopson Kinetic »

OSM = Object for Spatial Manipulation = a kaleidoscopic sculpture made of disks = pronounced "awesome". No joke. "OSM" sounds out as "awesome" because its designers have astutely noticed that that's exactly what this...

Starship Enterprise Ceiling Light

$314.47 from Amazon »

Boldly go into a dark room, and illuminate it as no man has done before. Well, no man save for the other men out there with taste and Trekkie fanaticism strong enough to persuade them to buy a Starship Enterprise ceiling...

Cleaver Ring

Sold Out from Etsy »

Raul Souza's cleaver ring is what you use to threaten children who can't keep their hands to themselves when time out, grounding, and public humiliation cease to have an effect. Of course the ol' finger-sized-butcher's-knife-and-fake-blood...

Tentacled Shower Head

$1,130 from QS Supplies »

It's like...Kraken meets...car wash. Though Vado's adjustable shower head sculpture is missing the 2 arms that would elevate it to true octo status, 5 minutes behind the curtain flipping and pointing this spraying beast...

PicoBrew Zymatic - Automatic Beer Brewer

$1,699 - $2,099 from PicoBrew »

Even at a $1,600 investment, it would really only take about 6 weeks of home brewing for me to recoup the cost of a PicoBrew Zymatic in consumed beer. For me, a 6-pack of brewskis that doesn't taste like a donkey's bunghole...

Zippo 4-in-1 Woodsman Tool

$44.99 from Amazon »

Be a real-life, modern-day superhero with Zippo's 4-in-1 Woodsman tool as your trademark weapon. Pretty lady's kitty stuck in a tree? No problem. Slide out the Woodsman's axe and chop it down. Cats always land on their...

Star Wars Death Star Soccer Ball

$29.99 from ThinkGeek »

Talk about taking one for the team. I wouldn't kick that thing. I'd gingerly pick it up, tuck it under my arm, and run for my life as it rained yellow cards. The Death Star soccer ball is a limited edition release, part...

Sailing Ship Kite

$40 from Haptic Lab »

Hey you guuuuuyyyysss! It's like a pirate ship that sails through the sea above. All I need now is an eye patch, a sloth mask, pinchers of peril, and an inhaler and I could be some sort of deconstructed Goonie for Halloween....

TAWATEC Tactical Tritium Watch

$199 from Amazon »

Tritium watches might be the most attainable alternative to the elusive tritium keychains we showed you last year, as well as to the even more elusive tritium girl I tried to make out of a 3D printer, a Barbie doll, and...

Spider-Man Beanie

Sold Out from Etsy »

Pamela Joyce Tan-Javate would like to warn people who wear her Spider-Man beanie that, unlike real spiders and Spider-Men, you have only 2 eyes, not 8. So if you're going for the full Spidey effect with the adjustable...

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Silver Dollar Waffle Griddle

$27.22 from Amazon »

Waffle egg sandwich with bacon and cheddar. Waffle ice cream sandwich with Brownie Heath Bar Crunch and Mint Chocolate Chip. Waffle projectile with wells full of mustard and Sriracha. So many possibilities now possible...

Rubber Band Machine Gun

$59.95 from XYZbot »

In the grand spirit of rubber band guns--and according to Rubber Band Machine Gun creator XYZbot, there is indeed a grand spirit and subculture of rubber band guns in Japan--we present your favorite organization, binding...

Makita Cordless Autofeed Screwdriver

$419 from Amazon »

The Makita 18V Cordless Autofeed Screwdriver powerfully delivers screw after screw with a 4-pole motor capable of 4,000 RPMs. It is ideal for decking and sub-floor applications. And also for quickly bolting The Big Coloring...

Transparent Root Vegetable Farm

$31.26 from Amazon »

If I tried to plant carrot and radish and whatever that third thing is seeds in some dirt behind a transparent sheet of acrylic probably what I would end up with is a pile of dirt behind a transparent sheet of acrylic....

Impromptu Tactical Pen

$34.49 from Amazon »

Anymore, the ability to write is a mere secondary attribute of a great pen. I might want to scribble a note to buy more Fresca every now and then, but mostly I'm using pens like POLAR as anything from a magnetic toy to...

R2D2 Bodysuit

$195 from Etsy »

The march towards October 31st continues. The night of ghouls in glowing eyes and dripping blood, and girls in latex and 5" thigh-high boots. Of bodies dead and decaying, and bodies half naked, well-endowed, and making...

Black Fire Compression Sleeves

$13 from Sleefs »

Are you a superhero with blazing gauntlets, or just a sensible athlete who knows compression sleeves will improve blood circulation and contribute to peak performance? I myself am neither, but do hope Sleefs' Black Fire...

The 50/50 Bank

$14.04 from Amazon »

Even if I weren't a gambling man I would like the 50/50 Savings Bank because every day it would remind me of Plinko, my favorite Price Is Right game, and also Bob Barker, my favorite game show host and general hero of...

Blizzident - 6-Second Toothbrush

$299 from Blizzdent »

It looks like someone put the inside of a sea urchin on the inside of a mouthpiece, but if Blizzident really works, I wouldn't care if it looked like one of the McPoyle brothers' armpits. I'll be able to brush my teeth--and...

Bloom Coco Stylewood Baby Lounger

$195 - $310.91 from Amazon »

Bloom's Coco Stylewood baby loungers cater to people who are down with having a kid, but loath to accruing the cradle, bouncy chair, and plastic rainbow playmat crap that comes with having a kid and Fs up their interior...

Cheeseburger Cupcake Brownies

$25 from Bakery Ave. »

I guess you could make cheeseburger cupcake brownies yourself if you know how to bake cupcakes and brownies, and apply icing without squirting it all over your kitchen cabinets, but I don't. Also, things always taste...

August Digital Door Lock

$199 from August »

We've seen a lot of smartphone-controlled devices taking on home security lately--from the Scout full home security system to DoorBot, a camera-digital locking system combo that shows who's at the door and allows homeowners...

Scooter Luggage

Sold Out from Amazon »

I don't know how practical zooming through the terminal atop my scooter-fitted carry-on would be in LAX or ATL, but the next time I get delayed by a snowstorm in Des Moines, drag racing with the courtesy transporters...

Cyber Armor

$175 - $695 from Etsy »

Buckle up, boys, it's October 1. The onslaught of sexy Halloween costumes is revving its 400-asspower engine. Segue into the spectacle with a looksee at Spanish designer Boyd Baten's cyber armor. No, wait, I mean Boyd...

Chewbacca Bathrobe

$75.95 from Amazon »

Being able to ride au naturel beneath a fuzzy fleece Chewbacca bathrobe is quite possibly the only upshot to summer's ending and the agony of shit cold, rain, and darkness kicking off my foreseeable future. How snug and...

The Bone Guitar

$4,150 from Bruce Mahalski »

Ladies, who wants to bone a guitar god? Come on now, don't start a stampede. There are plenty of sheep femurs and possum skulls to go around, and room enough on my acoustic slim body for at least a couple hundred of you...

Lexon Around Clock

Sold Out from Amazon »

Lexon's Around Clock works kind of like Planet Earth. Or a revolving restaurant. Instead of a hand circling a face twice a day, this timepiece's cylindrical face slowly moves around its stationary red hand. That's nice...

Digital Spoon Scale

Sold Out from Amazon »

This digital spoon scale enables measurement by weight as well as measurement by volume. That means in addition to knowing from a caloric standpoint how many pounds I'll gain over time when I transport tablespoonfuls...

Cartoon Portrait of You

$5 - $95 from Fiverr »

For as little as $5, Uruguayan artist Eliana Fernandez will send you a glimpse of yourself inside some of TV's most popular animated series. Kick off the return of The Simpsons and Family Guy, or bid farewell to Futurama...

One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce

$13.70 from Amazon »

In this case, I think that inserting an eyedropper as a serving utensil for One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce isn't more than just a kitschy packaging ploy. Reviews of the habanero- and scotch bonnet-infused mouth...

Ceramic Knives

$56 - $112 from Edge of Belgravia »

It's cool how one color option for these ceramic knives is Zombie-Slaying Green, so I can pretend I'm hacking up the flesh and bones of the undead each time I try to slice an onion without crying like the doctor just...

Iron Man Hoodie

$450 from Etsy »

This Iron Man crime-fighting-armor-turned-loungewear combines the Avenger's Mark VII and Mark VIII suits. Its chest and shoulders draw from the former, while the elbows and abdomen take after the latter. Awww, it's like...

Apollo MA-1 Flight Jacket

$182 from Amazon »

To my friend Cornelius, who failed to grow up to be an astronaut, awww, better luck next life dude. Cheer up, though. Thanks to the marvels of modern consumerism and mass production, you can have an authentic-looking...

USB Lighter with Counterfeit Bill Detector

$15 from Brando »

This USB lighter with a UV light for counterfeit bill detection should be a pretty sweet combo for drug dealers. Get handed a $100, see it's a fake on the spot, burn it to bits, kick the scammer's ass to next Tuesday...

Bullet Knives

$33.60 from Amazon »

More surprising than that bullet knives exist is that they are sold in boxes of 12. Just how many bullet knives does one need? Are they like disposable razors? Good for 3 or 4 rounds of...uh...slashing and stabbing things...

Mirage 3D Instant Hologram Maker

$36 from Amazon »

It's all smoke and mirrors. Or, in the case of Mirage's 3D hologram maker, just mirrors. Great fun for kids, and not very bright fat people who can't figure out why they CAN'T. GRAB. THE M&Ms. Here, Chubs, have a strawberry...

Impossible Instant Photo Lab

$299 from Impossible »

The Impossible Instant Lab is an expandable photo processor that can intake any digital image from an iPhone or iPod Touch and output a Polaroid-style analog photo in seconds. Used in combination with a free Impossible...

Blow Up Traffic App

$0.99 from Blow Up Traffic »

I think I'm in love. Blow Up Traffic is an iPhone app that simulates setting fire to gridlocks or otherwise offensive individual vehicles that are driving like complete fucking morons, such as buses and Toyota Priuses....

Yankee Push Drill

$69.50 from Garrett Wade »

The Yankee Push Drill does not plug into the wall, which means its successful use is dependent entirely upon the well-oiled machine that is its handler's body. I bet my right arm and shoulder would be sore for 3 days...

Dual Beer Glass

$35 from Etsy »

At first I thought the Dual Beer Glass was intended for sampling two different types of beers at once, and I was like, How the dickens am I supposed to keep one from spilling all over my crotch when I'm drinking the other?...

Shark Puppy Bed

$36.99 - $43.99 from Amazon »

The smooshy shark or the poofy puppy: I don't know which is more adorable, and therefore most responsible for my urge to slap it in the face. Can any woman look at this dog without longing to hold it in her arms? Can...

Spitbank Fort - Luxury Floating Retreat

$560 - $12,850 from Spitbank Fort »

If the UK's Spitbank Fort didn't look and sound like post-apocalyptic luxury at its finest to begin with, its location in The Solent, a major shipping route along the Isle of Wight, should cement the status. The Solent?...

Ball of Fire Outdoor Fireplace

$187.40 from Amazon »

I feel like this steel mesh ball should contain, like, a set of conjoined twin brothers on motorcycles, not just a pile of logs and flames. No worries, though. I'm sure the Ball of Fire can go from outdoor fireplace to...

Sodium Acetate - Hot Ice

$9.50 from Amazon »

They call it hot ice because sodium acetate is extremely unstable (probably moody and demanding too) and begins hardening immediately as it drops below its melting point of 58.4 to 58 degrees C (about 136.5 to 137 degrees...

EQUUS BASS770 - New American Muscle Car

$250k - $290k from EQUUS Automotive »

Designed and manufactured in the USA. That's the battle cry of the 2014 EQUUS BASS770, a contemporary nod to American muscle cars of the 60s and 70s. It's also probably the reason for its starting price tag of $250 grand....

RockBoard Descender - Off-Road Skateboard

$129.99 from Amazon »

While RockBoard's Descender doesn't appear to be a wheeled vehicle suitable for the protruding roots and rocky drops of mountain bike trails, if its video is to be believed, it will serve as a smooth operator for anyone...

Mangroomer - DIY Electric Back Shaver

$24.99 from Amazon »

It's obvious what the Mangroomer is, so let's just cut to to the chase: what can this DIY back shaver do for you?...

Metro Cuffs

$39.99 from Amazon »

Show off the mass transit lines and routes of the city where you live--or wish you lived--with these Metro Cuffs by Designhype. Chicago's L, New York's Subway, London's Tube, Paris' Metro, and Milan and Berlin's...whatever...

Halloween Contact Lenses

$29.50 - $239.99 from Lens.com »

Minions will cower and tremble in fear when they meet the all-powerful GnarledJaggedPlaqueLaden Teeth Eyes! Hey, I get the appeal of colored and themed contact lenses, particularly for Halloween, cosplay, and other costumed...

Perfect Pancake Pan

$11 from Amazon »

I don't know if the Perfect Pancake Pan really cooks perfect pancakes as advertised, but if it does I would like to eat 8 of its delectably fluffy jack-flappers right now. Sumbitches look gooood....

Magnetic Dumbbells

Are you stronger than electromagnetism? O2 Magnetic Dumbbells, a pair of rings with embedded electromagnets, work in tandem to generate resistance as their ends repel, and challenge users to build muscle by fighting their...

Walter White Hyperflesh Mask

$22,100 from Ebay »

Worn, signed, and sweated upon by Bryan Cranston himself. Also mingled in: the DNA of Jimmy Fallon and Common, whom the Breaking Bad star let take a turn in this Landon Meier Hyperflesh Walter White mask at Comic-Con...

Tinysaur Kits

Not so scary after all, are you T-Rex? Tinysaur Kits assemble from stamp-sized, laser-cut patterns into 1" behemoths of ancient earth in about 20 to 30 minutes. And although I just made it sound like they do that on their...

Reverse Peephole Viewer

$43.86 from Amazon »

Now here's something that should be illegal, but is instead available with free shipping on Amazon. The reverse peephole viewer, used appropriately by law enforcement personnel and inappropriately by 99% of all others...

Bodice Rocker - Pop-Up Lounger

Weebles wobble but they don't fall down, and Bodice Rockers fall down but they get right back up and stand just as tall as they did before. So I guess they're more similar to Rocky Balboa than Weebles. But they're not...

Talking Ron Burgundy Action Figure

Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline. Maybe so, Ron, but might I remind you what the studies show?...

Triposo Vibrating Navigation Belt

Discontinued

The more I think about the Triposo Travel Belt, a belt that connects to smartphones' Triposo navigation apps and vibrates on the left, right, front, or back of the body to indicate the direction the wearer is meant to...

Dish Whiskey

$16 from archer »

I'm not sure if a soap that smells of barrel-aged, charcoal-filtered whiskey will inspire me to do the dishes more often, but it will probably inspire me to to do that tie-dye lava milk experiment catalyzed by dish soap...