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Vampire Slaying Kit

By: on January 17, 2012
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In some cases, an obsession has gone too far when someone ends up dead. In this case, the obsession is already dead, and you are simply protecting yourself from it, so don't let any of those self-righteous SOBs who think watching 11 hours of televised sports per week is perfectly sane, but your purchasing a vampire slaying kit is taking an obsession too far, belittle you for wanting this. The kit is housed in an antique wood box lined with hand-stained fabric, and each one's contents are unique in their design. Included are: 2 stained stakes and a leather mallet, all affixed with leather crosses; a stained and distressed wooden cross; a copy of the Bible; a set of rosary beads; and antique, hand-labeled bottles of holy water, holy oil, garlic powder, and mustard seeds. Huh? Mustard seeds? Since when are vampers offput by mustard? That has to be a rumor spread by Grey Poupon in a desperate attempt to move product in this downtrodden economy. In any case, the kit provides all of the necessary tools for warding off the undead, except, of course, the strength, agility, and wile to do so. Those skills come only from meticulous and repeated viewings of the Buffy box-set DVDs, which you, luckily, already own, and have playing on a constant loop anyway.

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Black Useless Box Kit

$44.99 from Amazon »

This black box is nearly impossible to put together. Ninety-nine percent of those who try will fail. But for the always-elite 1%, once your corners are aligned and screws affixed, the world will be your oyster. Flip the...

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In Case Of Cabinets

$188 from In Case Of »

In case of a zombie, vampire, werewolf, or demon emergency take this tiny sledgehammer, break the glass, and prepare to fight for your life. Or run like a girl while tossing Holy Water over your shoulder. In Case Of cabinets...

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The Chaos Machine

$39.95 from Amazon »

Chaos is an area of mathematics that studies complex systems and the mind-blowing effects seemingly small, inconsequential changes can have on them. Dr. Ian Malcolm used one example of the Chaos in action, the Butterfly...

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TinyScreen Video Game Kit

$74.95 from Tiny Circuits »

The Tiny Arcade goes handheld. Tiny Circuits' TinyScreen Video Game Kit gives DIY gamers the chance to build their own miniature console. At the heart of the kit is the TinyDuino processor board, an Arduino Uno board...

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Alligator Beach Towel Anchor Stakes

Sold Out from Amazon »

I don't know if these Beach Towel Anchor Stakes are alligators or crocodiles, but I do know they look ready to take a bite out of some terry cloth, and tell the wind to Blow it! this summer....

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Mechanical Wooden Clock Kit

$75 from Amazon »

I was going to get my 14-year-old nephew one of these Mechanical Wooden Clock Kits for Christmas, but then I remembered they don't teach kids how to tell analog time anymore so he wouldn't even be able to read it. I also...

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SOL Survival Kit

$22.66 from Amazon »

Carry the SOL Origin Survival Kit, and the next time you're up shit creek it will supply all the tools you need to build a paddle. Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, the survival kit is housed in an indestructible...

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Giant Cardboard Robot Arms Kit

Discontinued

When I transform into a paper-product-based Optimus Prime, I like to take on a more active role in the process than lifting my giant cardboard robot arms out of a giant cardboard box. So thanks be to Chuck Norris that...

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DIY Scrimshaw Knife Kit

I may not have designed it, or forged it, or carved it myself, but I sure as Shine-Ola used my own two hands to emboss my pocket knife with this two-headed grizzly bear. Yessir, I sure did want it to have two heads. It's...

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Grow Your Own Escargot Kit

$53.39 from Firebox.com »

Note: Converting them from snails to escargot is optional. You are welcome just to grow them and name them and keep them as snuggly (with a side of slime) pets. Otherwise: Attention kitchen magicians! If your bag of culinary...

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Bear Grylls Ultimate Survival Kit

$48.67 from Amazon »

This is some real MacGyver shit right here. This kit has absolutely everything. And even though Bear Grylls was found to be a big fake and a liar and a fraud and gay, this survival kit will save your ass the next time...

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Piper Computer Kit

$298.90 from Amazon »

I know the Piper looks like a computer kit for kids, but the company swears it would make a sweet gift for your dad too. Or your grandma. Or your Uncle Stu. At its heart, Piper is a teacher of technology available to...