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Lipstick Pepper Spray

By: on February 17, 2012
$4 - $12.93
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Pucker up, 'cause this big, fat, sloppy, wet one's landing right in the kisser! Ladies, we know all of your lip services are killer, but add a tube of lipstick pepper spray to your beauty routine, and they'll also be blinding, tear-jerking, suffocating, and mildly poisonous. The tube looks innocuous enough--as if it may hold the creator of those coquettish pink or vampy red Angelinas--but remove the cover, depress the aerosol button, and suddenly you're in a world of pepper vapor and cries of, "Ow, my eyes, my eyes!"

Or you would be if the cutesy concept were a little more practical to access and use. But how likely are you to be able to scrounge through your purse during an attack, and come up with the one of the 12 tubes of lipstick in there that will do more than just stain your assailant's shirt? Self-defense and protection are one thing, but come on. When we're talking pepper spray in a lipstick tube you know we're really talking the element of surprise in a bathroom or dance floor girl fight. Example: When you realize violence is answer at the lavatory, remove the lipstick's cap and lean toward the mirror, as if for a better application view. Then, in a single stealth maneuver, pivot a quarter turn and douse the ho bag standing next to you. The one who's been brushin' up her ass and flippin' her weave all over your man all night. In the ensuing commotion, slip the tube back into your clutch, yank out a souvenir braid, and make like a tree through the door. Unnoticed, unopposed, triumphant.

Lipstick pepper spray tubes are available in black silver, red, blue, and pink.

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Pinky Queen Nipple Lightener (NSFW)

I understand that Pinky Queen nipple...pinkener?...is a boobie beauty tincture developed with a female customer base in mind. And I definitely think females with nipples that are splotchy, unsavorily-hued, or look like...

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SALT Self-Defense Gun

$299.99 - $349.99 from Salt Supply »

Lorenzo Maggiore already figured out how to A-Salt bugs in an effort keep our extermination of insects simple, clean, and green. Now we have a means of SALTing humans, this time in an effort to keep our defense against...

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This, unbelievably, is exactly what the name suggests, a mini desktop cannon that fires standard BBs. And, it's pretty damn cool. You really need to watch the video to see it in action. I'm certain this will be used for...

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Z.E.R.O. - Zombie Apocalypse Kit

$23,999 from Optics Planet »

OK, zombiologists, conspiracy theorists, slaves to sci-fi, and keepers of the Boy Scout motto, it's time to put your $24,000 where your mouth is. OpticsPlanet has assembled a stunning and formidable sprawl of zombie apocalypse...

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Nunchuck Grips - Self-Defense Tool Storage Grips

$13.99 - $54.99 from Amazon »

Squeeze hard and stay safe. Nunchuck Grips are a line of outdoor product grips whose hollow centers make way for your choice of quick-release personal safety gear. Install a pair of Nunchucks on your existing bike's handlebars...

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Police Force Defender

$159.95 from Amazon »

The Police Force Defender might have a killer look, but a blast from this self-defense weapon will incapacitate an attacker using the non-lethal forces of Crossfire Technology and Sabre Red Pepper Spray. In terms less...

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Brutus the Bulldog Self Defense Keychain

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Add some extra spice to your knuckle sandwich. On a typical day, Brutus the Bulldog simply tricks out the keys to your Honda Civic. But on the day you leave the Civic at home, and get jumped walking home from the bar...

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Mace Pepper Spray Gun

$35.47 from Amazon »

Good news, Ralphie Parker. The whole point of the Mace Pepper Gun is to shoot an eye out. Using patented Bag-in-a-Can technology--ooh, that sounds...the opposite of intimidating--the pistol's system enables loaded cartridges...

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The Defender Smart Self Defense Device

$159 from Defender »

The Defender combines a pepper spray device with a digital camera for the most epic selfies ever. Just kidding. But once this 3-in-1 personal protection armory comes out, $50 says some jackass is going to earn themselves...

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Hyperlip Prosthetic Lips

$11.95 from Amazon »

The medical term for the part of the oral mucosa covering the tooth-bearing border of the jaw is is "gingiva." So. Who wants to see some gingiva?! The Hyperlip is a plastic lip ring that fits over your existing kisser...

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Rail-Mounted Pepper Spray

$99 - $249 from Pro-Defense »

Designed originally for law enforcement and military use, Pro-Defense calls their F4 Tactical rail-mounted pepper spray the non-lethal alternative. Which I take to mean getting hit by a solid stream of it is still going...

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Deer Antler Brass Knuckles

Discontinued

Nothing says you mean business in a fight (or life) like a set of deer antlers fashioned into brass knuckles gripped loosely in an open hand. I think just wearing them is enough to deliver a firm message. What that message...