The Hand Reflexology Massager
Boy could I use a hand massage. After the hours upon hours I spend typing, mouse manipulating, sawing through overcooked pork chops, and picking my nose (spring allergies suck, yo) my mitts are wiped. A reflexology massager--even if it worked only moderately well--sounds to me like I imagine calorie-free caramel chocolate cheesecake would sound to the big fat fatties on The Biggest Loser. Like a glorious gift from the Baby Jesus. And since Hammacher Schlemmer doesn't do things half assed, their Hand Reflexology Massager could be the Phalange Whisperer of the century.
Run-down finger trees inserted into the massager's plush polyester interior receive soothing compression and kneading from a mechanical air pressure system, with emphasis on trigger points at the palm and back of the hand. Despite coming from a battery-operated wad of plastic, this sort of coddling and doting still relieves the pain, stress, and fatigue associated with chaotic and laborious lifestyles, and makes all users feel like the extra special additions to the Planet Earth that they are.
The Reflexology Hand Massager squeezes and presses away at 4 different levels of pressure, in increments of 5, 10, or 15 minutes. An optional infrared heat setting is also available to promote circulation in hands chilled from the throes of winter, or the limp shake of the icy bitch married to your boss.
WARNING: The massager's opening is not intended for the insertion of other body parts.