162

Sorry I Am Such an A**hole Balloon Package

By: on June 18, 2012

When verbal proclamations and pleading on hands and knees don't work, say it with the written word and helium: Sorry I Am Such an Asshole. It's a balloon package that could rightfully find its way into someone's home or office 365 days a year, but as summer begins, and Dionysian brethren dive head-first into party season, there may be more misunderstandings to patch up and mistakes to apologize for over the next 3 months than all others of the year combined.

And if admitting complete assholery seems too strong of a sentiment, remember, "Sorry I am such an asshole" doesn't have to be a finite statement. It can also be a lead-in to a conditional clause, perhaps written on the back of the balloon in black Sharpie, or on an accompanying card. For example:

  • Sorry I am such an asshole, but I'm still leaving you for my personal trainer.
  • Sorry I am such an asshole, but your mom is a nosy bitch.
  • Sorry I am such an asshole, but your kid flunked geometry because he doesn't know the difference between a parallelogram and an asshole.
  • Sorry I am such an asshole, but you are going to end up a contestant on The Biggest Loser if you keep throwing back the pints of Phish Food.
  • Sorry I am such an asshole, but who else is going to put up with your constant flow of shit?

Balloon designer Adam Kurtz sells his printed latex amends in sets of 12. Packages come with four each of red, yellow, and blue inflatables for doling out in numbers corresponding to precise levels of remorse.

Buy Now

Bunch O Balloons - 100 Water Balloons in 1 Minute

$15.51 from Amazon »

Nevermind where can I get some Bunch O Balloons, the better question is where can I get two kids as calm, as pleasant, and as capable of doing heavy manual labor as the pair in the video? Did you see that little blonde...

Buy Now

Boob Cube

$9.50 from Amazon »

The Boob Cube is for idiots. And for geniuses. And for idiots who want to convince people they're really geniuses. And for geniuses you want to make feel like idiots. So, yeah, pretty much an ideal gift for any person...

Check it out

Anonymously Send Sh*t

Discontinued

If you know a lot of assholes, you know what it's like to deal with their shit. Now, it's time to return the favor. ShitSenders.com enables the shat upon to send steaming piles of Don't get mad, get even to inconsiderate...

Buy Now

A is for Anus: The Alphabet (For Adults)

$9.99 from Amazon »

This alphabet isn't adult just because A is for Anus, but also because of the accompanying anatomical representation author Max Willy has selected to make sure everyone knows what an anus is. Stick out your pointer finger...

Buy Now

Adult Achievement Stickers

$8.95 from Amazon »

Children receive stickers for achievements such as pooping in the pot, getting straight A's, and coming in last (but participating!) Why shouldn't adults get some comparable adhesive words of affirmation when they done...

Buy Now

Which Cult Should I Join?

$8.90 from Amazon »

Which Cult Should I Join? Seeing as it's Sunday and all, I'm sure you've been asking yourself this question all morning. And not only does Jo Stewart have the answer in full book form, she's used the Choose-Your-Own Adventure...

Buy Now

Do Your Park Magnets

$12 from Amazon »

We've seen the mostly innocuous You Suck at Parking business cards. And also the more permanent, and thereby more controversial, I Park Like an Idiot bumper stickers. Here we have a midpoint between the two: a-hole parking...

Check it out

What Do You Meme? Game

Elliot Tebele, overlord of the famed Instagram account Fuckjerry, has made a pretty natural transition with What Do You Meme? His images and commentary translate seamlessly from work day slacking reading material on the...

Buy Now

Nobody Likes a Cockblock

$12.63 from Amazon »

Are you a parent? Then I'm sure you'll agree your precious children have taught you at least as much, and most likely far more, than you've ever taught them. Such as deep, unconditional love. Patience. Awe and wonder....

Check it out

You Suck At Parking Business Cards

$18.95 from Zazzle »

Personally, I think people should be thrown in jail for bad parking. Bad parkers fall into 2 groups... The first, just aren't mentally capable of parking well. And the second just don't give a shit. If jail isn't an option...

Check it out

A Hole Paperweight

Happy Father's Day, old man. Remember all those times you told me how when you found out Mom was pregnant with me you said you needed another kid like you needed a hole in the head? And then after I was born, and as I...

Buy Now

Fresh Whole Rabbit

Sold Out from Amazon »

Nom, nom, nom. It's Hasenpfeffer meets the next-generation three wolf moon shirt. Your days of gnawing on leathery old rabbit parts that taste like a combination of barnyard and the positive ends of AA batteries are over....