Sorry I Am Such an A**hole Balloon Package
/sorry-i-am-such-an-ahole-4005.jpg "Sorry I Am Such an A**hole Balloon Package")
- Hey Asshole Note Pad - $7.33
- You're On My Shit List Checklist Note Pad - $8.16
- Apology Checklist Note Pad - $4.50
- I'm Sorry Ice Cream 4-Pack - $49.99
- I'm Sorry Pillow Cases - $36.00
When verbal proclamations and pleading on hands and knees don't work, say it with the written word and helium: Sorry I Am Such an Asshole. It's a balloon package that could rightfully find its way into someone's home or office 365 days a year, but as summer begins, and Dionysian brethren dive head-first into party season, there may be more misunderstandings to patch up and mistakes to apologize for over the next 3 months than all others of the year combined.
And if admitting complete assholery seems too strong of a sentiment, remember, "Sorry I am such an asshole" doesn't have to be a finite statement. It can also be a lead-in to a conditional clause, perhaps written on the back of the balloon in black Sharpie, or on an accompanying card. For example:
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but I'm still leaving you for my personal trainer.
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but your mom is a nosy bitch.
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but your kid flunked geometry because he doesn't know the difference between a parallelogram and an asshole.
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but you are going to end up a contestant on The Biggest Loser if you keep throwing back the pints of Phish Food.
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but who else is going to put up with your constant flow of shit?
Balloon designer Adam Kurtz sells his printed latex amends in sets of 12. Packages come with four each of red, yellow, and blue inflatables for doling out in numbers corresponding to precise levels of remorse.
Anonymously Send Sh*t
If you know a lot of assholes, you know what it's like to deal with their shit. Now, it's time to return the favor. ShitSenders.com enables the shat upon to send steaming piles of Don't get mad, get even to inconsiderate...
/bunch-o-balloons-100-water-49364.jpg?mode=crop "Bunch O Balloons - 100 Water Balloons in 1 Minute")
Bunch O Balloons - 100 Water Balloons in 1 Minute
Nevermind where can I get some Bunch O Balloons, the better question is where can I get two kids as calm, as pleasant, and as capable of doing heavy manual labor as the pair in the video? Did you see that little blonde...
/boob-cube-56642.jpg?mode=crop "Boob Cube")
/You-Suck-At-Parking-Business-Cards-980.jpg?mode=crop "You Suck At Parking Business Cards")
You Suck At Parking Business Cards
Personally, I think people should be thrown in jail for bad parking. Bad parkers fall into 2 groups... The first, just aren't mentally capable of parking well. And the second just don't give a shit. If jail isn't an option...
/smells-like-wd-40-cologne-58970.jpg?mode=crop "Smells Like WD-40 Cologne")
Smells Like WD-40 Cologne
Ready to get into some more MSCHF? Smells Like WD-40 Cologne comes in hot - but very quiet, nary a squeak to be heard - on the heels of the subversive art collective's Big Fruit Loop. And what is it?...
Rear Window LED Messenger
The Drivemocion Rear Window LED Messenger is probably legal in only, like, 10 states (I'd guess the spectrally left and right ones, such as Massachusetts and Texas), but for those of you living amidst bureaucratic leniency...
/the-best-backhanded-gifts-36118.jpg?mode=crop "The Best Backhanded Gifts")
The Best Backhanded Gifts
Another way to think of the best backhanded gifts is the best gifts for people you don't like, only sort of like, have a love / hate relationship with, or have a beef with, but who for whatever reason you still have to...
/Fresh-Whole-Rabbit-1747.jpg?mode=crop "Fresh Whole Rabbit")
Fresh Whole Rabbit
Nom, nom, nom. It's Hasenpfeffer meets the next-generation three wolf moon shirt. Your days of gnawing on leathery old rabbit parts that taste like a combination of barnyard and the positive ends of AA batteries are over...
/my-last-fck-candle-44928.jpg?mode=crop "My Last F*ck Candle")
My Last F*ck Candle
My Last F*ck Candle. Presumably this is the one you'll burn when all of the disasters, the shockers, and the newest pieces of trash to hit social media become too much to process, too much to reconcile. When the only...
3D Printed Dickasaurus (NSFW)
Sex toy, trophy for a dude who's a real T-Rex in the bedroom, (literal) gag gift, the 3D Printed Dickasaurus will serve you well as any of these. But me, I bought a 3D Printed Dickasaurus to leave anonymously for my boss...
What Do You Meme? Game
Elliot Tebele, overlord of the famed Instagram account Fuckjerry, has made a pretty natural transition with What Do You Meme? His images and commentary translate seamlessly from work day slacking reading material on the...
/reusable-self-sealing-water-60699.jpg?mode=crop "Reusable Self-Sealing Water Balloons")
Reusable Self-Sealing Water Balloons
The super soakin' fun of water fights meets the pain and bruising of paintball fights with these reusable self-sealing water balloons! Just kidding. I mean, they say each magnetic water ball is "very soft with a smooth...