When verbal proclamations and pleading on hands and knees don't work, say it with the written word and helium: Sorry I Am Such an Asshole. It's a balloon package that could rightfully find its way into someone's home or office 365 days a year, but as summer begins, and Dionysian brethren dive head-first into party season, there may be more misunderstandings to patch up and mistakes to apologize for over the next 3 months than all others of the year combined.
And if admitting complete assholery seems too strong of a sentiment, remember, "Sorry I am such an asshole" doesn't have to be a finite statement. It can also be a lead-in to a conditional clause, perhaps written on the back of the balloon in black Sharpie, or on an accompanying card. For example:
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but I'm still leaving you for my personal trainer.
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but your mom is a nosy bitch.
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but your kid flunked geometry because he doesn't know the difference between a parallelogram and an asshole.
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but you are going to end up a contestant on The Biggest Loser if you keep throwing back the pints of Phish Food.
- Sorry I am such an asshole, but who else is going to put up with your constant flow of shit?
Balloon designer Adam Kurtz sells his printed latex amends in sets of 12. Packages come with four each of red, yellow, and blue inflatables for doling out in numbers corresponding to precise levels of remorse.