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I Will Not Be Your Father Condom

By: on December 21, 2013

Nice. A condom to carry my message to all the unborn children in the world. Attention would-be zygotes! I WILL NOT BE YOUR FATHER!

However, I would still very much like to bang your mother!

I wonder what would've happened if Vader had used protection. Maybe the Empire would have endured. Or maybe Luke and Leia are what made Anakin go all Dark Side in the first place. I wouldn't be surprised. It's a proven fact that children completely F up their parents' sanity.

Anyway, if you agree with Say It with a Condom, myself, and all men who wish to preserve their unencumbered, stable lives (and bank accounts), be smart, rubber up, and tell all the potential babies and baby mamas point blank: I will not be your father.

May the Force be with you. And only you. No seepage into someone else.

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Galactic Cap Just-the-Tip Condom

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"The Galactic Cap is a condom men will want to wear and their partners will love. A better alternative, it will increase condom use and promote healthier sex." Want to wear? Partners will love? Well. Considering this...

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The Darth Knight

$1,500 from Ebay »

You love Batman, but you're a loyal Star Wars fanboy. Halloween is coming up and you have a difficult decision to make. Can you betray Darth Vader for your new crush on the Dark Knight? Good news. You won't have to. Mash...

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Bimek SLV - The Sperm Switch (NSFW)

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i.Con Smart Condom Penis Tracker

British Condoms' i.Con isn't the first sexual fitness tracker to make the rounds in the UK--back in 2014 Bondara teased, but then never released the SexFit. At printing, i.Con was doing the same. Teasing your eager overachiever...

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Star Wars Return of the Jedi Wall Clock

$199.95 from Amazon »

The only thing missing from this Return of the Jedi wall clock is an R2-D2 head that pops out on the hour to go, Bee-boo-boop-coo-koo! Otherwise, it's all there. Electroluminescent lightsabers and LED glow from within:...

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Shibari Lube Launcher

$6.99 from Amazon »

The Shinbari Lube Launcher. XL. In blue. That's seven-and-a-half inches of long and strong silicone jelly (or even, according to one reviewer, organic coconut oil) reservoir ready to facilitate pleasure and alleviate...

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Bacon Condoms

$9.99 from Bacon Salt »

Bill Gates, you put out an open call. You asked for the "next generation" in condoms. A design that will revolutionize safe sex practices by making the peen sheaths more desirable to wear. Men and birth control in third...

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Go F Yourself Condom Card

$9.99 - $12.99 from FunnyCondoms.com »

I can think of many people to whom I'd like to send a Go F Yourself card (complete with packaged condom for carrying out the act!) but one dude stands out like a glowing beacon bobbing amidst the sea of the rest. How...

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Darth Vader Engagement Ring

$390 - $2,995 from Sapphire Studios »

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Darth Vader Toaster

$42.48 from Amazon »

Big Bad Toy Store says nothing--nothing!--about its forthcoming breakfast game changer, the Darth Vader Toaster, except this:...

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Poundtown Condom

In case there was any confusion, Poundtown Condom vendor Say It with a Condom specifies this particular latex shroud is for "anyone who's a Poundtown regular, or is coming for the first time." Haha, get it? There are...

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Ural Dark Force - The Darth Vader Bike

$14,999 from Ural »

Ural's Dark Side has...bench seating and a sidecar? A trunk? A max cruising speed of 70mph? The company, a US-based affiliate of Russia's Irbit MotorWorks, has just released the Dark Force motorcycle. It won't take you...