Ye draggers of the gluteus maximus out there may not be relegated to--gasp!--leaving your house and buying holiday gifts in person just yet. Below we have accumulated a few non-sucky mail-order offerings that, at printing, were still down for helping you finagle arrival by Christmas. For your convenience, and to promote further laziness, we have also divided the gift guide into Who to Buy It For (or, according to my mama, For Whom to Buy It) sections.
(Note: All items' prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.)
Amazon Gift Card ($1 to $1,000,000). If you're already at the 11th hour and 59th minute, ain't nothing wrong with letting your recipient pick out his or her own gift. These cards print or email instantly too so turnaround time is only as long as it takes you to type in a valid credit card number.
Toaster & Egg Cooker Combo ($43). Combining a toaster, egg cooker, and meat warmer, this do-it-all kitchen appliance can be used alone as a fully functional toaster, or to toast bread, poach or steam-scramble an egg, and warm a pre-cooked slice of meat simultaneously. Four minutes to the ultimate breakfast sandwich.
NanoLeaf Ultra High Efficiency Light Bulb ($35). NanoLeaf is the world's first light bulb to reach--and hold--1600 lumens of output using only 12 watts of electricity. That's the equivalent of a 100W incandescent bulb. And, with a 30,000-hour lifetime (25 to 30 years, based on 3 hours per day of use), it will burn 20 times longer. Cost of use: $1.53 per year.
Big Boss Oil-Less Air Fryer ($93). A 1300-watt air cooker that combines halogen, convection, and infrared methods to crisp contents without the added gut bomb of calories and fat.
Star Wars Wampa Rug ($150). Well, it's for every Star Wars fanboy and girl out there, anyway. When gutted, flattened, and treated by the nation's premier taxidermists, the carnivorous inhabitants of Hoth emerge with stuffed pillow heads, and spread to 62" x 30" of cuddly love.
For the Dudes
Gerber GDC Money Clip with Blade ($30). This GDC sidekick has a 1.75" fine edge stainless steel blade that slides in and out of its back plate without disturbing the rest of the clip's mad money- and card-holding skills.
Gonex 18000 Lumen Flashlight ($80). The Gonex flashlight isn't abusing superlatives when it calls itself "Super Bright". The torch is also waterproof, weighs just over 2 pounds, and has 5 lighting modes so it should make a valuable companion on hikes and camping trips, hunting and fishing expeditions, and during home repair attempts and emergency situations.
Smittybilt G.E.A.R. Car Seat Covers ($97 - $140). Fit a range of make/model front seats, have 5 different built-in pouches, plus are configured to allow for pouch addition, removal, or rearrangement. G.E.A.R. attachments fasten using a Molle and Pals Restraint System. They are made of 600 denier polyester and lined with PVC.
Brite Strike Tactical Balls ($45). Disorienting, blinding, and giving people seizures all serve as excellent forms of distraction during attempts at self-defense. Brite Strike's Tactical Balls each have 2 white LEDs that blaze luminous beams of light at the push of a button, and can be thrown or rolled in a direction that diverts attention away from their dispatcher.
Rocking Whiskey Glass Set ($25). You get 6 wobblers in this set of precision-made glasses that rock but won't knock over.
BBQ Dragon Fire Accelerator ($50). A compact, portable, and hands-free fire-starting tool, the BBQ Dragon proposes to light and heat your charcoal cookery faster than a chimney without the assistance of lighter fluid. It can also control grill and smoker heat levels, juice up smoldering fires, and scare cats off of countertops.
Turbospoke Bicycle Exhaust System ($19). The Turbospoke system, a battery-free, pedal-powered child's dream, fits onto bicycle wheels 16" and larger to mimic the look and feel and Vrrrroooommmm! of a real motorcycle exhaust pipe.
The Jedi Path: A Manual for Students of the Force ($45). The Vault Edition imparts the wisdom of early Jedi Masters, detailing the history and hierarchy of the Jedi Order, and what Jedi must learn and demonstrate--from Force mastery to lightsaber combat--to "take their place as defenders of the peace in the galaxy."
Crock-Pot BBQ Pit Slow Cooker ($87). A deluxe slow cooker that aims to mimic the effects of a BBQ pit. It holds up to 3 slabs of ribs, 3 racks of chicken parts, or a 12-pound roast, and over the course of 6 to 13 hours, heats them to fall-off-the-bone doneness.
Sun-and-Earth-Powered Globes ($145). These striking pieces of planetary art not only silently rotate and glisten all the livelong day, but they do it without the use of power cords or batteries. MOVA cosmic events for the desktop absorb the energy of the sun and Earth, using the scientific bounty of our universe to drive their movement.
Dremel Multi-Function Butane Torch ($44). Handheld and weighing just 2 pounds, the Dremel Versa Flame can output at variable temperatures and distances for applications such as soldering, pipe fitting, shrinking, and even culinary brazing.
For the Ladies
The Grammarian's Clock ($110). This LED Word Clock illuminates the time in words from its grid, changing every 5 minutes.
Lekue All-in-One Bread Maker ($34). Lekue's flexible bowl-to-bakeware design remains open and spacious for dough assembly, and then folds over and fastens to itself for slipping into an oven or microwave (yes, that's right) at breadification time.
BugZooka Bug Catcher Vacuum ($28). The battery-free BugZooka is a handheld insect vacuum that claims to generate 10 times the suction power of motorized counterparts. It captures wasps, spiders, flies, and other creepy crawlers in a removable tube for safe and easy banishment to the exterior. Or the fire pit.
Deglon Meeting Knife Set ($600). Meeting Knife Set just doesn't do this 4-count of nested slice-and-dicers the same justice of linguistic imagery Russian Doll Knife Set, or Venn Diagram Knife Set would. The knives and their built-in block are made of high quality stainless steel, and include a 3-1/4" paring knife, a 5-1/4" utility knife, an 8" chef's knife, and an 8-3/4" slicer.
IMAK Soothing Eye Pillow ($8). Although the "X"-stitched eyes look like they belong on a voodoo doll, this eye mask promises to soothe tired and puffy eyes, cool the face, and provide total darkness without any pain inflicted by occult practices.