Deck the halls with boughs of holly and deck my right hand with a few drams of single barrel Scotch from the Whisky Advent Calendar. Yeah, like I'll be able to spread that pot of peaty liquid gold over 24 whole days, what with my mama yapping in my ear to help her hang lights and ram the Christmas tree up that poor angel's....
With the most wonderful time of the year upon us, I doubt I need to remind you that alongside the holidays comes holiday spirit! Find some of yours here in our gallery of seasonal decor and festive merchandise. (Note: All items' prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.)
Illuminator Light Projector ($129). Instantly LED a tree or front entryway. The palm-sized device can splay dots in green, blue, or red over 25' x 25' areas with the flick of a switch.
LED Snow Flurry Projection Light ($70). Similar to the Illuminator, the Light Flurries machine turns a fat wad of holiday decorating duties into a single, 5-minute effort. The latter comes in white only, but that's cool because so does snow. At least until some jackass lets his dog take a leak in your yard. The snow effect projector also costs less than the laser Illuminator.
A Christmas Story Leg Lamp ($160). Straight from the Movie Prop Hall of Fame and incredibly fra-gee-lay. This is the full-size caressable leg. You can also decorate your Christmas tree...or bed frame...with this string of mini leg lights ($25).
Yoda Tree Topper ($61). Not sure how this new arrangement is going to fly in heaven. Hypothetical: Who would win in a battle between an army of Yodas with LED light sabers and a squadron of angels with golden-bladed halos blessed by God?
Chewbacca Stocking ($25). Don't worry, they didn't skin him just sheared him for the stockings.
Snow Flurry Snow Machine ($100). It's wintertime. 'Round here, we don't make it rain, we make it snow. 'Tis the season, bitches.
Alex Stevens Ugly Christmas Sweaters ($30). Ugly Christmas Sweater magnate Alex Stevens has an entire line of irreverent and charmingly hideous designs to lift your holiday spirits, and win you some chuckles and pats on the back from friends and co-workers. Choose from the likes of Reindeer Hangover, Stegosaurus Santa Ride, and Santa Mario.
Prank Pack Gift Boxes ($6 - $8). Liven up the holidays--at least for yourself--with Prank Packs, fake gift boxes with intricately detailed photos and explanations of products just bizarre enough to be ridiculous, but just believable enough in enterprising 21st century America that their dumfounded recipients will trip over confused expressions and polite thank yous.
Christmas Vacation Moose Mugs ($30 for 2). Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? No, Clark, Eddie's doing just fine. Nice & toasty drinking the nog and rocking his trooper hat ($32).
Puzzle Pod Gift Wrap Cryptex ($30). Melt your girlfriend's heart with a Christmas proposal, and then make her breathe fire and shoot daggers from her eyes as she tries to crack the customizable code of this gift vault to get to her ring.
Whisky Advent Calendar ($235). Owning one will give the illusion that you are partaking in the holidays whilst simultaneously contributing to your alcohol-induced quest not to remember them.
Sriracha Candy Canes ($8). Get 'em before all of the other masochists looking for 6 inches of mild taste bud torture buy them out.
The Zombie Night Before Christmas ($11). 'Twas the night before Christmas when the kiddies who refused to go to bed, got not coal in their stockings but an organ-rotting virus that made them hunger for human flesh and turned them into the walking dead.
Grow Glow Snow! ($11). Grow Glow Snow! It's not a request, it's an order, son! Get a bowl! Get some water! Watch it expand to 100 times its starting size!
Raunchy Wrapping Paper ($5). So the gift itself will be less of a letdown.
Still feeling ho-ho-hopeless about your decorating duties and holiday spirit? Check out our complete Christmas Gift Guide here.