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Holiday Gift Guide: Christmas Cheer

By: on November 15, 2014
  • Holiday Gift Guide: Christmas Cheer
  • Holiday Gift Guide: Christmas Cheer
  • Holiday Gift Guide: Christmas Cheer
  • Holiday Gift Guide: Christmas Cheer
  • Holiday Gift Guide: Christmas Cheer

Deck the halls with boughs of holly and deck my right hand with a few drams of single barrel Scotch from the Whisky Advent Calendar. Yeah, like I'll be able to spread that pot of peaty liquid gold over 24 whole days, what with my mama yapping in my ear to help her hang lights and ram the Christmas tree up that poor angel's....

With the most wonderful time of the year upon us, I doubt I need to remind you that alongside the holidays comes holiday spirit! Find some of yours here in our gallery of seasonal decor and festive merchandise. (Note: All items' prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.)

Holiday Decorations

Illuminator Light Projector ($129). Instantly LED a tree or front entryway. The palm-sized device can splay dots in green, blue, or red over 25' x 25' areas with the flick of a switch.

LED Snow Flurry Projection Light ($70). Similar to the Illuminator, the Light Flurries machine turns a fat wad of holiday decorating duties into a single, 5-minute effort. The latter comes in white only, but that's cool because so does snow. At least until some jackass lets his dog take a leak in your yard. The snow effect projector also costs less than the laser Illuminator.

A Christmas Story Leg Lamp ($160). Straight from the Movie Prop Hall of Fame and incredibly fra-gee-lay. This is the full-size caressable leg. You can also decorate your Christmas tree...or bed frame...with this string of mini leg lights ($25).

Yoda Tree Topper ($61). Not sure how this new arrangement is going to fly in heaven. Hypothetical: Who would win in a battle between an army of Yodas with LED light sabers and a squadron of angels with golden-bladed halos blessed by God?

Chewbacca Stocking ($25). Don't worry, they didn't skin him just sheared him for the stockings.

Snow Flurry Snow Machine ($100). It's wintertime. 'Round here, we don't make it rain, we make it snow. 'Tis the season, bitches.

Seasonal Swag

Alex Stevens Ugly Christmas Sweaters ($30). Ugly Christmas Sweater magnate Alex Stevens has an entire line of irreverent and charmingly hideous designs to lift your holiday spirits, and win you some chuckles and pats on the back from friends and co-workers. Choose from the likes of Reindeer Hangover, Stegosaurus Santa Ride, and Santa Mario.

Prank Pack Gift Boxes ($6 - $8). Liven up the holidays--at least for yourself--with Prank Packs, fake gift boxes with intricately detailed photos and explanations of products just bizarre enough to be ridiculous, but just believable enough in enterprising 21st century America that their dumfounded recipients will trip over confused expressions and polite thank yous.

Christmas Vacation Moose Mugs ($30 for 2). Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? No, Clark, Eddie's doing just fine. Nice & toasty drinking the nog and rocking his trooper hat ($32).

Puzzle Pod Gift Wrap Cryptex ($30). Melt your girlfriend's heart with a Christmas proposal, and then make her breathe fire and shoot daggers from her eyes as she tries to crack the customizable code of this gift vault to get to her ring.

Whisky Advent Calendar ($235). Owning one will give the illusion that you are partaking in the holidays whilst simultaneously contributing to your alcohol-induced quest not to remember them.

Sriracha Candy Canes ($8). Get 'em before all of the other masochists looking for 6 inches of mild taste bud torture buy them out.

The Zombie Night Before Christmas ($11). 'Twas the night before Christmas when the kiddies who refused to go to bed, got not coal in their stockings but an organ-rotting virus that made them hunger for human flesh and turned them into the walking dead.

Grow Glow Snow! ($11). Grow Glow Snow! It's not a request, it's an order, son! Get a bowl! Get some water! Watch it expand to 100 times its starting size!

Raunchy Wrapping Paper ($5). So the gift itself will be less of a letdown.

Still feeling ho-ho-hopeless about your decorating duties and holiday spirit? Check out our complete Christmas Gift Guide here.

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A Die Hard Christmas

$11.44 from Amazon »

Yippee Ki Yay! A Die Hard Christmas: The Illustrated Holiday Classic is going to be on every kid's man's gift list this year. (Kids probably won't want it. They'll think the John McClane brand of killing and violence...

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The Illuminator - Instant Light Projector

$39.99 - $49.99 from Amazon »

Thousands of decorative lights from the palm of my hand to the branches of my trees, or spans of my walls in minutes. Minutes. Without the hassle of knotted wires. Without the danger of ladders. Without the frustration...

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LED Snow Flurry Projection Light

$71.97 from Amazon »

Oh the trouble Clark Griswold could have saved himself if only he'd gone on Christmas vacation in the 2010s. Nowadays one little green box fitted with one pint-sized disco ball connected to one tiny projector are all...

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Street Fighter Ugly Christmas Sweater

The embodiment of ugly Christmas sweater awesome right down to the KO, KO, KOs running along its upper border. It's Ken v. Ryu...and a snowflake...in this Street Fighter spin on the most heinous of yarn creations (100%...

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Animated Ugly Christmas Sweaters

$54.95 - $64.95 from Amazon »

I see your ugly Shhh!-ing Santa Christmas sweater, and raise you an ugly Shhh!-ing Santa Christmas sweater with animated eyes bouncing lecherously to and fro as if he were watching a naked lady elf tossing relay and entreating...

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Tactical Holiday Stocking

$19.99 from ThinkGeek »

If you thought your tactical novelties would have to be shelved now that Tactical BBQ Apron-wearing season is over, ThinkGeek is happy to inform you that, au contraire, you can still have a Holly MOLLE Christmas with...

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Bill & Ted Ugly Christmas Sweater

$84.99 from Middle of Beyond »

It's the holidays. Be excellent to each other, dudes. I'm using the Bill & Ted Ugly Christmas Sweater to serve as my own helpful reminder...and also to slay all contests when I party on at the 3 Ugly Christmas Sweater...

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Star Shower Laser Christmas Lights

$56 from Amazon »

You can Sparkle Magic the oak tree in your front yard. You can make a Snow Flurry down your exterior siding. Or you can unleash a Star Shower across your entire property. All of these laser-projected holiday lights produce...

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Ugly Christmas Swimsuit

I have one thing to say to all of you who live in Southern California and Miami and Australia. You who will be sweating balls this Christmas instead of freezing your ass off making them out of snow: jerks. The only things...

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Star Wars Ugly Christmas Sweaters

$29.99 - $64.95 from Amazon »

If Star Wars is on the Ugly Christmas Sweater scene now, I think we need to remove the "Ugly" modifier from the term. How about Star Wars Galactically Awesome Christmas Sweaters instead? Particularly the one spotlighting...

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Reindeer Hangover Ugly Christmas Sweater

$29.99 from Amazon »

Listen. The only reason I'm showing you a barfing reindeer ugly Christmas sweater on November 6th is that when I waited for another month to show it to you last year it sold out before I had the opportunity. So just swap...

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Secret Santa Gift Guide

In most cases, Secret Santa participation merely perpetuates the exchange of crap. Reindeer doilies, Dilbert mugs, giant jars of Brach's assorted hard candies, nothing that will stick around more than 24 hours before...