The Appleholic's Apple Peeler

By: on January 08, 2013
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True apple addicts don't have time to slough off the forbidden fruit's skin one strip at a time with a handheld peeler or their fingernails. And while other crank peelers technically get the job done expediently, their clunky, heavy metal presentation, tendency to remove half of the apple's flesh along with its skin, and creepy resemblance to a torture device from a Kafka novel make their acquisition and practical use somewhat undesirable. Pie makers, cider brewers, and those with a bushel-a-day problem will find Starfrit's Apple Pro-Peeler efficient and precise, plus far less likely to leave them with parting images of impalement. Also, it's way cheaper.

Now I'm not addicted to apples, but after watching Starfrit's demo video, I feel I could become addicted to peeling them. Look at how fast and smooth the skin comes off! And look at how shiny the apple looks afterwards! I bet if Eve had had a Pro-Peeler, she'd never have been ejected from the garden--why stop to take a bite when there's still more to peel?

Pro-Peelers are made of nylon and have a stainless steel blade, an integrated spike holder, and 4 suction-grip feet to avert at least one kitchen disaster. They promise to remove only the skin of the fruit, eliminating waste, and leaving behind pristine white globes of Pink Ladys and Granny Smiths. Yeah, I prefer the former too.

So...I was going to let this go, but after watching the Starfrit video about 15 times, I can't do it. I just can't do it. The informercial-esque clip opens with a voice over setting the following scene: "When peeling apples feels like mootin' climbing...." Stop! Stop right there! Mootin' climbing? What the Paul McCartney's second former wife's prosthetic leg is a mootin'? Is this a joke I don't get? Is it a completely jacked Canadian or Minnesotan pronunciation of the word "mountain"? Because, naturally, when I heard "mootin'" I thought "mutton", and when I heard "climbing" I thought, "Some old sheep is gettin' a back door surprise tonight."

And then I thought, "I feel like eating an apple."

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