Kitchen

InstantVeg Spiralizer

Sold Out from Amazon »

Well I guess I better get my mama this InstantVeg Spiralizer for Christmas if I want her to keep making me curly shoestring french fries and zucchini spaghetti on my low-carb days (i.e., every 17th Sunday). See I got...

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Lock

$6.64 from Ben & Jerry »

Three things. One: I subscribe to the unwavering dogma that ice cream is mankind's greatest culinary invention. Two: I don't share food. Three: Avengers and iProducts be damned. Ben & Jerry's pint lock is the most anticipated...

Food Huggers

$14 - $19 from Food Huggers »

Haha, so long Ziploc bag press 'n' seal tracks that don't frikkin' press 'n' seal! I've got rubbers to keep my leftover produce safe now! OK, technically 100% BPA-free, FDA grade silicone, but the point is Food Huggers...

Bacon Basket Pan

$14.95 from Bacon Basket »

Is a bowl-shaped baking dish designed explicitly to mold bacon into baskets for transporting eggs and BBQ pulled pork to my mouth necessary? I don't know, are pants necessary? Necessity may be one, but she is not the...

Auto-Measure Spice Carousel

$35.74 from Amazon »

When my friend Cornelius pulls his breaded raviolis out of the deep fryer on Sunday I am going to recommend he season them with a click quarter teaspoon of oregano and a click, click half teaspoon of basil from my auto-measure...

App-Controlled Crock-Pot Slow Cooker

$112.49 from Amazon »

Big Brothering and doing home things when you're not at home now extends to the kitchen with this collaboration between the Kleenex of slow cookers, Crock-Pot, and the June Cleaver of home automation, Belkin. The Crock-Pot...

Zombie Cutting Boards

$35 - $50 from Kickstarter »

San Diego-based woodworker Dave Stencil has decided to bring zombies to the kitchen. To "make quality cutting boards that showcase your love for braaaaiiiins...and well prepared meals."...

Fondue Mugs

Sold Out from Amazon »

Forget dipping bread and fruit, I'm just going to melt and drink entire cups of Velveeta and Bacon Chocolate Bars with my Fondue Mug set. Geez, this is handy. Melting that stuff in the microwave makes it all lumpy and...

Sushi Bazooka

$25.40 from Strapya World »

On the eve of the Zombie/Mayan/Raining Fires of Hell Apocalypse, Strapya World suggests humans band together, hunker down...and kick off the end of days with a sushi revolution! Men, women, children with developed fine...

Muffin Tops Cupcake Molds

$12.99 from Perpetual Kid »

I love how, along with depicting the unsavory image of a fat person spilling out of his jeans in a way that still makes me want to take a big bite out of his moist and caky excess fat, these muffin top molds also stay...

Cookie Monster Mug

$27 from Etsy »

Designer Samantha Ulrich calls this her Googly Eyed Monster Mug, I guess due to Sesame Street's having a corner on the market of using the words "Cookie" and "Monster" consecutively. Which, on the one hand, is kind of...

DeLonghi Perfecto Indoor Grill

$55.82 from Amazon »

Last winter I was all like, Mama, come on. It's only just below freezing. Get on out to the grill and make me...us...some BBQ ribs. But then a few days later she got pneumonia and I felt sort of bad. So this year I got...

Nibble Cake Pan

$19.99 from ThinkGeek »

Unless you're a complete tool, it's pretty hard to F up a cake mix. However, if you're attempting to bake a cake from scratch in an effort to show the apple of your eye how much you care/should get laid with an introductory...

Star Wars Stacking Mugs

$28.95 from Amazon »

I call not drinking out of Luke Skywalker's crotch! Star Wars Stacking Mugs. Divided into thirds both vertically and horizontally the trio features the uppers, privates, and legs of Luke, Han Solo, and a random Stormtrooper....

TowlHub USB Paper Towel Holder

$59.99 from Amazon »

As if it weren't amazing enough that there are paper towels so strong that a single quilted sheet can mop up an entire glass of spilt milk someone's crying over. Now these paper towels' holders can charge up to 4 of my...

Power Mitt Oven Glove

$39 from Power Mitt »

Amidst all this talk of 2014 being the year of wearable technology, Pete Hottelet's Power Mitt reminds me that the real year of wearable technology was 1989. Even though it's kind of the bastard child of Nintendo on account...

Game of Thrones Sigil Cookie Cutters

$5.50 - $23 from Etsy »

Honey-spiced locusts from A Feast of Ice and Fire's Essos chapter may be a more authentic dessert to serve at your next Game of Thrones viewing party, but...ew. That sounds disgusting. Aren't locusts bugs? People from...

Time Bomb Kitchen Timer

$10.24 from Amazon »

They could have done so much more when they decided to turn a ticking time bomb into a kitchen timer. I think rather than twisting the center people should be able to pull the fuse to set it. And then with each passing...

Ceramic Knives

$56 - $112 from Edge of Belgravia »

It's cool how one color option for these ceramic knives is Zombie-Slaying Green, so I can pretend I'm hacking up the flesh and bones of the undead each time I try to slice an onion without crying like the doctor just...

3-in-1 Avocado Slicer

$9.95 from Amazon »

Who doesn't love avocados? Besides people who hate avocados? No one! And one tool all avocado lovers should have is three tools! In one! OXO's 3-in-1 avocado slicer slits, pits, slashes, and scoops fleshy green about-to-be-guacamole...

Triple-Basket Deep Fryer

$59.99 from Amazon »

Double up on the fish & chips and nuggets with fries, or cook one big vat of extra crispy fried chicken with Secura's triple-basket deep fryer. The electric countertop model contains a 1700-watt immersion element said...

Zipstrip Herb Stripper

$7.99 from Amazon »

I question this Zipstrip's ability to zippily strip cilantro stalks, which is pretty much the only (culinary) herb I'm aware of that doesn't make me want to sneeze and vomit simultaneously, but if you like rosemary, thyme...

Coffee & a Smoke Cup

$40.98 - $45.63 from Shapeways »

The effects of the weekend call for a thick shot of Death Wish Coffee and a long drag of a Marlboro Light. It's almost like Solo e Sola knows that my Saturday night culminated in the crushing of a raw egg in my right...

What the F*@# Should I Make for Dinner?

$11.74 from Amazon »

Making dinner. Anymore it's either taxing, convoluted, frustrating, or comes straight from a box/can/Ramen pouch. Why, when you walk into the kitchen and lament, What the F*@# should I make for dinner?, can't there be...

Creature Cups

$9.29 - $19.99 from Amazon »

[Cue voice of James Earl Jones.] Rising menacingly from the depths of this cup of chamomile sleepytime tea with a squeeze of lemon...THE KRAKEN! Muahahahaha!...

Polar Bear Ice Tray

$20 from black + blum »

Not only is a polar bear ice cube tray adorable and perfect for assuaging the injuries of children who hurt themselves doing something stupid that you told them not to, but the design itself is also highly utilitarian...

Snot-a-Mug Egg Separator

$18.95 from Amazon »

People from Maine sure know how to make cooking fun. These earthenware Snot-a-Mug egg separators are made by northeast coast artisans to disassociate whites from yolks such that they whimsically mimic a gruesome bodily...

Hand Gun Egg Fryer Mold

$7.59 from Amazon »

Mmm, from dead fetus to sharp shooter. I'm going to take a shot at loading the Hand Gun Egg Fryer Mold into the Rule of Thirds, as described by my 9th grade English teacher. He said that a third of the people we meet...

Cheesus Christ Cheese Grater

$19.39 from Amazon »

Now that we've got Thanksgiving out of the way, it's time to deck the halls, fire up the "Jingle Bells" sing-a-longs, celebrate Jesus, and eat cheese. Cheesus Christ, a cheese grater that--like many folks' Sunday rituals...

Clongs - Click-Lock Sit-Up Tongs

$24.95 from Amazon »

Since it's difficult for me even to pour a bowl of cereal without making a mess I'm not sure how much of a difference in cleanliness Clongs will make in my life, but I do appreciate their intent and nifty V-dip. And with...

Death Star Cutting Board

$21.95 from Amazon »

And I thought it couldn't get any better than R2-D2 measuring cups. Well, really, R2-D2 measuring cups are better than a Death Star cutting board, if for no other reason than their deconstruct/reconstruct Russian doll...

Periodic Table Cutting Boards

$45 from Etsy »

From chemistry class I remember something about diatomic elements and noble gases, but mostly I remember that my teacher wore a tie-dyed lab coat and I could always see this one girl's lacy bras when she would bend over...

VIA All-in-One Cooker

The latest in shoebox living, Buse Ustun of Ankara, Turkey created VIA particularly for young adult couples cohabitating in tiny apartments with limited kitchen space. The compact, modular cooker incorporates all major...

V Toaster & Knife

I don't really need a V-shaped toaster and accompanying knife to facilitate PB&J assembly and consumption--my mama makes mine. Crunchy Peter Pan, seedless strawberry jam, two slices of pumpernickel (shut up, it's delicious)...

Lionel Richie Crooning Spoon Rest

Sold Out from Etsy »

Lionel Richie is one of those weird celebrities like Demi Moore and Kate Winselt who kind of starts looking better as he gets older. See: Lionel Richie circa 1983. And: Lionel Richie now. His songs, of course, have always...

Yonanas Healthy Ice Cream Maker

$37.95 from Amazon »

I almost started crying when I saw the Yonanas maker of healthy ice cream. It's what I imagine laying eyes upon my first child for the first time will feel like, except where the ice cream maker evokes awe and undiluted...

Potato Chip Cutter

$217.95 from Amazon »

The potatoes spilling out of this ribbon fry cutter look delicious. For $100 I would eat them raw. I might also eat them raw if I were sure no one was watching. Easy to load, easy to retract and reload, I know once I...

The Ex Knifeholder

$159 from Amazon »

You can't stab your ex for real. Well, you can, and some do, but our jails are really getting crowded. So use this instead. It has the additional benefit of keeping your knife situation tidy. It also comes with 5 new...

VW Camper Van Toaster

$72.25 from Camper Van Gift »

Whether it's a tent, a bunk bed, or an actual motor vehicle...that can't go faster than 50...it seems the VW Camper Van has achieved an iconic status that will never wane. But what I want to know is, can the VW Camper...

Good Grips Mango Splitter

$13.99 from Amazon »

OXO says, "There's nothing as luscious as a ripe mango." OXO obviously has never seen Kate Upton's rack. Or Kelly Brook's. Or Christina Hendricks'. However, I do agree that mangoes are in the luscious family. The luscious...

Two Slice Toaster And Egg Poacher

$41.08 from Amazon »

To the dismay of chickens everywhere, we've been brow-beaten with the idea that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And, while that is certainly debatable, it's definitely in the top three. Unfortunately...

F-Bomb Housewares

$3.99 - $19.99 from Cafe Press »

Zach Golden's cookbook What the F*@# Should I Make for Dinner has spawned a culinary F-bomb phenomenon. Now the word "Fuck" is being inserted with reckless abandon into otherwise perfunctory statements about grocery runs...

Steak Saws

$15.37 from Amazon »

Steak Saws? Now that's a little cynical, don't you think? Just because you've had to get the entirety of your body weight behind carving bites off of every steak your wife/girlfriend/mama has served to this point in life...

Breville Crispy Crust Pizza Maker

$199.95 from Amazon »

Breville says it will do for pizza lovers what cooking meth does for ailing chemistry teachers: bring home the dough. The Crispy Crust Stone Baked Pizza Maker aims to deliver brick oven pie quality without the bricks....

Blend and Cook Soup Maker

$149 from Amazon »

The Dump & Punch. That's a better name than Blend and Cook for Cuisinart's soup-making blender. Because if their literature is to be trusted, all I'd need do to enjoy a vat of steaming cream of tomato is dump in some...

Corner Counter Saver

$159.95 from Amazon »

John Boos designed the corner cutting board/counter space saver from solid maple and recommends that you add it to your "kitchen arsenal". Please raise your hand if you have a kitchen arsenal. Please raise your hand if...

Ravioli Rolling Pin

$23.41 from Amazon »

And maybe when I'm not making ravioli I can use this rolling pin on the knots in my back and my tightly wound IT band. The beechwood ravioli rolling pin delivers a strong sense of self-satisfaction to its rollers as it...

LEGO Men Ice Cube Tray

Sold Out from Amazon »

LEGO Minifigure ice cubes and chocolates: cool. But how about LEGO Minifigure pads of butter? LEGO Minifigure Jell-O shots? LEGO Minifigure frozen Pedialyte for sick kiddos? The possibilities for transcending all previous...

Rice Cube Square Sushi Maker

$19.94 from Amazon »

Point 1: Crafting traditional sushi rolls requires the finesse and fine motor skills of a surgeon. Point 2: Compact 3D squares of food look way cooler and more Willy Wonka magical than squat cylinders of it. Ergo: Bring...

SpillNot No-Spill Mug Holder

$17.95 from Amazon »

Cancer is still a problem, but some damn genius has finally solved the problem of spilling coffee all over the place all of the time. It seems like your arm would get tired having to constantly spin this thing around...

Microwave Omelette Maker

$12.51 from Amazon »

I wasn't that impressed with this Lekue microwave omelette maker until I watched the video. Now I am sufficiently impressed. Whomever filmed that thing should receive the informercial Oscar for cinematography. The omelette...

Domo Toaster

$35.29 from Amazon »

Domo started out as a Japanese television network mascot. Then he began starring in skits during station breaks. Then he got made into an English-language manga series for the US and Canada, and then he got made into...

Self-Stirring Microwave Bowl

By: Quirky »

Like stackable soap, AutoStir self-stirring microwave dish is a rather elegant solution to an age-old perturbance--in this case, the uneven distribution of heat during nuking. How many times have you seared off a few...

The Appleholic's Apple Peeler

$10.49 from Amazon »

True apple addicts don't have time to slough off the forbidden fruit's skin one strip at a time with a handheld peeler or their fingernails. And while other crank peelers technically get the job done expediently, their...

Chef Stack Pancake Machine

$3,500 from Chef Stack »

Now this is a pancake machine Henry Ford would appreciate. It's almost akin to something you'd see Homer lying down in front of with his mouth open wide as the Chef Stack Pancake Machine pumps endless pancakes into his...

Makin Bacon Microwave Rack

$12.99 from Amazon »

This idea of hanging strips of pork candy on the Makin' Bacon microwave rack seems preferable to my grandma's method of pounding cooked pieces between an entire roll of paper towels. No speck of grease goes unabsorbed!...

Tosa Kajiyamura Knives

Discontinued

A trio of Japanese knives by Tosa Kajiyamura for all the chefs and sharp object enthusiasts out there. Sold separately for $85 apiece, the three blades enjoy a rich history dating back to the early Edo period in 17th...

Want vs. Need Glass

$30 from »

Ain't nothing like a dose of psychosocial commentary with the morning OJ. According to this dogmatic little glass, I can't always get what I want (obviously, or else the Stones would have stopped touring 20 years ago)...

Portal 2 Companion Cube Ice Tray

$36.87 from Amazon »

Companion Cubes. Companion Ice Cubes. A Captain Obvious merchandising exploit that kind of manages not to sacrifice coolness in spite of it. Even those unfamiliar with the Portal universe might gravitate towards this...

Good Grips 3-in-1 Egg Separator

$4.95 from Amazon »

I am the grandaddy master of the universe at separating eggs. If I do say so myself. I spent several hours learning how to perform this act of culinary prowess in 5th grade and...it's like riding a bike. I've never looked...

The Snacking Dead: A Parody in a Cookbook

$16.07 from Amazon »

I'm not sure whose poor planning skills decided The Snacking Dead: A Parody in a Cookbook should be released after the October 13th Season 4 opener of The Walking Dead, thus eliminating all of its potential profits from...

Aerating Wine Glass

$21.95 from Home Wet Bar »

This self-aerator eliminates the need to decant or let your wine rest after corking it, and the included wine glass eliminates the need to chug it straight from the bottle. Pour your cellar's best burgundy or zin into...

Dish Whiskey

$16 from archer »

I'm not sure if a soap that smells of barrel-aged, charcoal-filtered whiskey will inspire me to do the dishes more often, but it will probably inspire me to to do that tie-dye lava milk experiment catalyzed by dish soap...

Avocado Cuber

$16.95 from Williams Sonoma »

Can I get one of those avocados along with the cuber? The ones I pick out always have a grisly tinge and surprise-mid-bite mushy brown spots. Or they're not ripe at all and taste like a bar of soap. Yeah, Mom, I know...

Pure Black Kitchen Knife

$100.46 from Amazon »

All black and 8.5 inches from tip to tang... once you use this black instrument, you'll never go back to another. My wife has been begging me for one of these. I'm hesitant to oblige her for many reasons......

Snap-On Can Strainer

$5.10 from Amazon »

No jokes, no sarcasm, this snap-on can strainer is just a good idea, plan and simple. Do you know how sick I am of getting tuna juice all up in my cuticles when I squeeze out a can for lunch? A colander? Ha! The idea...