Kitchen

One-Egg Fry Pan

$8.99 from Amazon »

It would be better if it were in the shape of the toast I'm going to pile it on, and I also doubt my ability to flip an egg within such tight confines without losing part of it to my burner, but I still appreciate the...

Breville Crispy Crust Pizza Maker

$184.99 from Amazon »

Breville says it will do for pizza lovers what cooking meth does for ailing chemistry teachers: bring home the dough. The Crispy Crust Stone Baked Pizza Maker aims to deliver brick oven pie quality without the bricks....

Cookie Prints Cookie Cutters

$5.99 - $17.99 from Etsy »

To all the girls compiling notes on what kind of cookies to bake me for Valentine's Day, let me make this easy: iced sugar or gingerbread even though it's not Christmas anymore in the shape of one of the following Cookie...

Auto-Measure Spice Carousel

$27.21 from Amazon »

When my friend Cornelius pulls his breaded raviolis out of the deep fryer on Sunday I am going to recommend he season them with a click quarter teaspoon of oregano and a click, click half teaspoon of basil from my auto-measure...

Triple-Basket Deep Fryer

$59.99 from Amazon »

Double up on the fish & chips and nuggets with fries, or cook one big vat of extra crispy fried chicken with Secura's triple-basket deep fryer. The electric countertop model contains a 1700-watt immersion element said...

Food Huggers

$14 - $19 from Food Huggers »

Haha, so long Ziploc bag press 'n' seal tracks that don't frikkin' press 'n' seal! I've got rubbers to keep my leftover produce safe now! OK, technically 100% BPA-free, FDA grade silicone, but the point is Food Huggers...

Lemon Shark Juicer

$9 from Amazon »

A lemon shark is a real thing! It looks like this! Do you think it's called a lemon shark because it prefers lemons to human limbs or because it is particularly sour? Wikipedia says...wamp, wamp. Neither. It's just yellowish...

Microwave Omelette Maker

$11.76 from Amazon »

I wasn't that impressed with this Lekue microwave omelette maker until I watched the video. Now I am sufficiently impressed. Whomever filmed that thing should receive the informercial Oscar for cinematography. The omelette...

Ravioli Rolling Pin

$24.99 from Amazon »

And maybe when I'm not making ravioli I can use this rolling pin on the knots in my back and my tightly wound IT band. The beechwood ravioli rolling pin delivers a strong sense of self-satisfaction to its rollers as it...

Naughty Cookie Cutters

$29.49 from Firebox.com »

These are disgusting. A perversion of gingerbread men, and a perversion of the spirit of Christmas!...

3-in-1 Avocado Slicer

$9.95 from Amazon »

Who doesn't love avocados? Besides people who hate avocados? No one! And one tool all avocado lovers should have is three tools! In one! OXO's 3-in-1 avocado slicer slits, pits, slashes, and scoops fleshy green about-to-be-guacamole...

Stirio - Automatic Pot Stirrer

$68 from Unikia »

Life hacking innovator Unikia adds the Stirio to its online showroom of tools that will expedite and elevate the filling of my belly. We previously saw the Compleat FoodSkin flexible lunchbox, a simple trick for keeping...

VW Camper Van Toaster

$72.25 from Camper Van Gift »

Whether it's a tent, a bunk bed, or an actual motor vehicle...that can't go faster than 50...it seems the VW Camper Van has achieved an iconic status that will never wane. But what I want to know is, can the VW Camper...

Snap-On Can Strainer

$5.10 from Amazon »

No jokes, no sarcasm, this snap-on can strainer is just a good idea, plan and simple. Do you know how sick I am of getting tuna juice all up in my cuticles when I squeeze out a can for lunch? A colander? Ha! The idea...

Rotimatic Indian Bread Maker

$599 - $999 from Rotimatic »

I'm still not even sure what the hell roti is. I thought Indian bread was either naan (mmmmm, chewy) or papadums (mmmmm, crunchy). What's this third formation of dough throwing a wrench into my narrow culinary view of...

Countertop Dishwasher

$221.99 from Amazon »

Hmmm, does my desire not to wash dishes by hand supersede my desire to microwave Hot Pockets? It's not even a rhetorical question. Even though SPT's countertop dishwasher says it will fit beneath most kitchen cabinetry...

Belgian Waffle & Omelet Maker

$126.85 from Amazon »

This gift from the heavens cooks a Belgian waffle and an omelet simultaneously. Concurrently. At the same fucking time. Do I even need to say triple-decker waffle omelet sandwich? Do I need to say anything else at all?...

Silver Dollar Waffle Griddle

$27.22 from Amazon »

Waffle egg sandwich with bacon and cheddar. Waffle ice cream sandwich with Brownie Heath Bar Crunch and Mint Chocolate Chip. Waffle projectile with wells full of mustard and Sriracha. So many possibilities now possible...

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Digital Spoon Scale

Sold Out from Amazon »

This digital spoon scale enables measurement by weight as well as measurement by volume. That means in addition to knowing from a caloric standpoint how many pounds I'll gain over time when I transport tablespoonfuls...

Ceramic Knives

$56 - $112 from Edge of Belgravia »

It's cool how one color option for these ceramic knives is Zombie-Slaying Green, so I can pretend I'm hacking up the flesh and bones of the undead each time I try to slice an onion without crying like the doctor just...

Perfect Pancake Pan

$11 from Amazon »

I don't know if the Perfect Pancake Pan really cooks perfect pancakes as advertised, but if it does I would like to eat 8 of its delectably fluffy jack-flappers right now. Sumbitches look gooood....

Dish Whiskey

$16 from archer »

I'm not sure if a soap that smells of barrel-aged, charcoal-filtered whiskey will inspire me to do the dishes more often, but it will probably inspire me to to do that tie-dye lava milk experiment catalyzed by dish soap...

Nibble Cake Pan

$19.99 from ThinkGeek »

Unless you're a complete tool, it's pretty hard to F up a cake mix. However, if you're attempting to bake a cake from scratch in an effort to show the apple of your eye how much you care/should get laid with an introductory...

Get in the Kitchen Bit@hes Cookbooks & Rubs

$7.99 - $14.95 from Bit@h Cooks »

I could never match skills, and for once am not even going to try to match wits, with Jason Bailin. Bailin is a man who endeavors to transplant other men from Chinese takeout vestibules to the kitchen by way of tough...

Gandalf vs. Saruman Salt & Pepper Shakers

$18.50 from Amazon »

A set of Gandalf vs. Saruman salt & pepper shakers solidifies it: salt is evil, pepper is good. Makes sense. Salt can curse us with high blood pressure resulting in an increased risk of heart disease and stroke. The worst...

Bacon Basket Pan

$14.95 from Bacon Basket »

Is a bowl-shaped baking dish designed explicitly to mold bacon into baskets for transporting eggs and BBQ pulled pork to my mouth necessary? I don't know, are pants necessary? Necessity may be one, but she is not the...

Muffin Tops Cupcake Molds

$12.99 from Perpetual Kid »

I love how, along with depicting the unsavory image of a fat person spilling out of his jeans in a way that still makes me want to take a big bite out of his moist and caky excess fat, these muffin top molds also stay...

The Snacking Dead: A Parody in a Cookbook

$13.64 from Amazon »

I'm not sure whose poor planning skills decided The Snacking Dead: A Parody in a Cookbook should be released after the October 13th Season 4 opener of The Walking Dead, thus eliminating all of its potential profits from...

Yonanas Healthy Ice Cream Maker

$39 from Amazon »

I almost started crying when I saw the Yonanas maker of healthy ice cream. It's what I imagine laying eyes upon my first child for the first time will feel like, except where the ice cream maker evokes awe and undiluted...

Modernist Cuisine Baking Steel

$99 from Baking Steel »

The Modernist Cuisine Baking Steel, a heat-sucking slab of metal for home ovens, stovetops, and grills, deems itself virtually indestructible and swears it will never shatter or crack. Funny, because I guarantee the exact...

Zero Gravity Magnetic Spice Rack

$34.95 from Amazon »

Get ready for ZERO!...GRAVITY!...SPICES! The cinnamon that used to consume 1 square inch in your cupboard? Now it hangs mightily in mid-air. The oregano? The thyme? The herbes de Provence? All haul out their death grip...

Juicy Salif Citrus Squeezer

$49 - $100 from Amazon »

Oh holy arachnid! I'm not going to need a set of Samurai sword kitchen knives to exact retribution on that SOB onion, I'm going to need them to save myself from the Alessi Juicy Salif citrus-squeezing alien! And by "citrus-squeezing"...

5-in-1 Griddler

$94.03 from Amazon »

Anyone who names all of their kids "George" obviously has one-track sensibilities and a one-note personality. He might be able to push Foreman Grills as a convenient tabletop producer of tasty sandwiches, but he could...

Samurai Kitchen Knife Set

$61.25 from Gizoo »

Onion! You bastard! Raw atop my chalupa you give me the breath of a dragon-sized chihuahua that just puked up a can of tuna fish. Dicing is too good for the likes of you. Prepare to be hacked to bits with my Samurai sword...

Throwzini 6-Piece Knife Set with Block

Sold Out from Amazon »

Citizens first met the Wheel of Death when the spinning, human-laced target debuted in 1938, and 75 years later, it still represents an exhilarating feat of precision and certainty whose use is likely to get at least...

What the F*@# Should I Make for Dinner?

$11.97 from Amazon »

Making dinner. Anymore it's either taxing, convoluted, frustrating, or comes straight from a box/can/Ramen pouch. Why, when you walk into the kitchen and lament, What the F*@# should I make for dinner?, can't there be...

Dripping Blood Cutting Board

$26.11 from mzube »

Now kitchen countertops can look like a bloody mess whether you've cut yourself or used them to butcher a half side of beef or not. Great for Halloween, great for an otherwise ho-hum Monday night, great for getting a...

Portal 2 Companion Cube Ice Tray

$36.89 from Amazon »

Companion Cubes. Companion Ice Cubes. A Captain Obvious merchandising exploit that kind of manages not to sacrifice coolness in spite of it. Even those unfamiliar with the Portal universe might gravitate towards this...

CeramiPro Phantom Black Knives

$14.95 - $59.95 from CeramiPro »

The way it usually goes with knives is that they either cost a lot or they suck. (Note: both varieties seem to be equally capable of gashing through my finger such that I require stitches and a tetanus shot.) CeramiPro's...

Rice Cube Square Sushi Maker

$19.95 from Amazon »

Point 1: Crafting traditional sushi rolls requires the finesse and fine motor skills of a surgeon. Point 2: Compact 3D squares of food look way cooler and more Willy Wonka magical than squat cylinders of it. Ergo: Bring...

SteakStones

$106.47 - $152.13 from Steakstones »

SteakStones are really just a way for people who are lazy or lousy cooks to host a dinner party without going to too much trouble or F'ing everything up. That being said, SteakStones still look awesomely rad and radly...

Creature Cups

$9.29 - $19.99 from Amazon »

[Cue voice of James Earl Jones.] Rising menacingly from the depths of this cup of chamomile sleepytime tea with a squeeze of lemon...THE KRAKEN! Muahahahaha!...

Retro Series Hot Dog Roller

$46.48 from Amazon »

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union...okay, enough preamble. It's America's DOB. The big...what's 2013 minus 1776? The big 237. That age when countries really start to notice their...

PowerChef Tabletop Grill

Sold Out from Amazon »

This electric grill sits on the tabletop. Which means it is going to reduce the amount of time it takes for babyback ribs brushed with KC Masterpiece and teriyaki shrimp kebabs to transfer from its cooking surface to...

C U Next Tuesday Mug

$14.95 from Amazon »

Oh the C word. My friends Constantine, Bartholomew, and I all agree it's pretty much the worst in the English language. Definitely the most heinous mud you can sling at someone. Which makes this C U Next Tuesday, or UNT...

Empanada Maker

$181.59 from Amazon »

One time I went to Chile and while others gaped at the glaciers of Patagonia and marveled at the volcanos of the Lake District, I ate empanadas. While they trekked the rolling green hills of fourth-generation farms and...

Slice a Recipe Cookbook to Improve Knife Skills

One of the first things you learn at Carulla Cooking School in Bogota, Colombia is how to use a knife. That's after you learn one of the first things you learn in Bogota, Colombia, which is how to use a gun (and where...

Kuro Cube - Charcoal Fridge Deodorizer

$25 from GNR 8 »

Although my refrigerator is only one in a long and distinguished list of areas around my house that reek, tackling the remnant scents of curdled milk and decomposed lettuce with a Kuro Cube is probably a decent place...

Bialetti Stovetop Percolator

$50.85 from Amazon »

Percolator is just an elitist way of saying thing that forces liquid into one end of a solid, such as coffee or tea, and out the other as a way of steeping it. But Bialetti probably felt it sounded more sophisticated...

TARDIS Fridge Skin Kit

$185 from Glass Sculpture »

Yikes, $185 for the TARDIS fridge skin kit. But it's customized to fit your specific cooler's make and model, so at least you know it will look as sick in your own kitchen as it does in the one in the photo. And if any...

Snot-a-Mug Egg Separator

Sold Out from Amazon »

People from Maine sure know how to make cooking fun. These earthenware Snot-a-Mug egg separators are made by northeast coast artisans to disassociate whites from yolks such that they whimsically mimic a gruesome bodily...

Cookie Monster Mug

$27 from Etsy »

Designer Samantha Ulrich calls this her Googly Eyed Monster Mug, I guess due to Sesame Street's having a corner on the market of using the words "Cookie" and "Monster" consecutively. Which, on the one hand, is kind of...

Crispy Crust Pizza Maker

$149.95 from Williams Sonoma »

Williams Sonoma predicts Breville's compact countertop crispy crust pizza maker will change my life. Now, far be it from me to argue with the world's #1 kitchen store magnate about life-altering experiences, but given...

Cast Iron Pirate Pancake Griddle

$93 - $113 from Kickstarter »

Mmm, pirate pancakes. Booty to pad your booty. Yeah I know. That was lame. Cut me some slack, though. You don't know what I was up to last night. No. No it didn't involve Diablo III and a 24-pack of Duff Beer....

Corner Counter Saver

$165.95 from Amazon »

John Boos designed the corner cutting board/counter space saver from solid maple and recommends that you add it to your "kitchen arsenal". Please raise your hand if you have a kitchen arsenal. Please raise your hand if...

Meat Shredders

$14.95 from Williams Sonoma »

Nevermind the meat shredders in the photos, I think I'd pay $14.95 just for a bite of that meat. What is it, pulled pork? Yeah, it's gotta be pork. Nothing but a pig could look so succulent in shredded form. Excuse me...

Bananza Banana Slicer

$8.30 from Amazon »

Chef'n decided one banana slicer more popular for its witty Amazon reviews than the function it serves wasn't enough for the world. Or maybe they were worried Hutzler's model was on the verge of becoming a monopoly. Or...

The Fat Magnet

$9.74 from Amazon »

I know a lot of fat magnets. I bet you do too. Most of them look more like an ass in need of a run around the block than a reimagined dreidel though. But this Fat Magnet, the dreidel kind, is actually here to help the...

Potato Chip Cutter

$224.65 from Amazon »

The potatoes spilling out of this ribbon fry cutter look delicious. For $100 I would eat them raw. I might also eat them raw if I were sure no one was watching. Easy to load, easy to retract and reload, I know once I...

Electric Quesadilla Maker

$19.99 from Amazon »

It's not that quesadillas are hard to make on the stovetop or in the oven, it's that one typically craves a quesadilla when one is not fit to operate the stovetop or the oven. With minimal risk of administering second...

Domo Toaster

$33.40 from Amazon »

Domo started out as a Japanese television network mascot. Then he began starring in skits during station breaks. Then he got made into an English-language manga series for the US and Canada, and then he got made into...

The Ham Dogger

$8.63 from Amazon »

My friend Dominic is an electrical engineer who used to work for this company developing a chip to implant in the brains of epileptics that would help predict when they were going to have seizures, and if I had one of...

Periodic Table Cutting Boards

$45 from Etsy »

From chemistry class I remember something about diatomic elements and noble gases, but mostly I remember that my teacher wore a tie-dyed lab coat and I could always see this one girl's lacy bras when she would bend over...

Game of Thrones Sigil Cookie Cutters

$5.50 - $23 from Etsy »

Honey-spiced locusts from A Feast of Ice and Fire's Essos chapter may be a more authentic dessert to serve at your next Game of Thrones viewing party, but...ew. That sounds disgusting. Aren't locusts bugs? People from...

Polar Bear Ice Tray

$20 from black + blum »

Not only is a polar bear ice cube tray adorable and perfect for assuaging the injuries of children who hurt themselves doing something stupid that you told them not to, but the design itself is also highly utilitarian...

Makin Bacon Microwave Rack

$12.99 from Amazon »

This idea of hanging strips of pork candy on the Makin' Bacon microwave rack seems preferable to my grandma's method of pounding cooked pieces between an entire roll of paper towels. No speck of grease goes unabsorbed!...