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Santaur Ornament

By: on December 05, 2014
$7.50
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Looks like the reindeer are out of a job. Santaur can fly his own damn sleigh, what with this new quad of furry legs and a pile of Greek mythology backing him now. Also new to the Santa Claus table: guns and a 6-pack. Dude finally looks ready to trade in the 5-year-old lap sitters for the 35-year-old MILF lap siters. I hear he's hung like a horse too, ladies.

Santaur, in the running for Most F'd Up Christmas Tree Ornament of 2014, stands 6" tall and is made of glass. Due to the Dr. Frankenstein procedures he has undergone, this Claus can also stand on its own, as your holiday dinner centerpiece, in addition to dangling from the evergreen.

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Santa Jumpsuit

[Insert Sit on Santa's Lap Joke Here.]...

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Secret Santa Gift Guide

In most cases, Secret Santa participation merely perpetuates the exchange of crap. Reindeer doilies, Dilbert mugs, giant jars of Brach's assorted hard candies, nothing that will stick around more than 24 hours before...

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Land Shark Sculpture

$180 from Uncommon Goods »

Shark Week might excite, amaze, and terrify for 7 days, but the Land Shark lawn ornament will do it all. year. long. Tucson Artist Chris Crooks smiths his Great Whites of the back yard by hand from 16-gauge cold rolled...

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Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

$8.93 from Amazon »

They say this Charlie Brown Christmas Tree is a nice reminder that the holidays are all about love, but I say it's an even nicer way to eliminate the time, hassle, and mess it takes to buy and put up a real tree. What...

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Life-Size Animated Talking Reindeer

$5,400 from Frontgate »

The idea of Dasher, a life-size reindeer that talks and moves, is decent, but, uh...did they have to give him the voice of Ross Matthews? MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Let's hang pink and purple stockings! At least that's...

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Ug It Up for Santa: Top 10 Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Ahhhh, nothing screams, "Merry Christmas!" like synthetic fabrics, tacky embroidery, seizure-inducing patterns, and colors insulting to nature. Here are my picks for most awesomely uggiest of the ug, the Top 10 Ugly Christmas...

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Outdoor Boulder Cushions

$510 from Bellissimo »

Ronel Jordaan and her estrogen-driven staff hand spin these near optical illusions from 100% Merino wool. The strikingly realistic woolen mammoths epitomize haute minimalist design, with the unexpected perk of being plush...

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Second Skin Santa Bodysuit

Sold Out from Amazon »

If your kids are afraid of Santa the jolly bearded fat man, just dress up as Santa the faceless creeper in the second skin bodysuit and show them what real terror is. Ho, ho, ho, an ocelot ate my face! Now I spread Christmas...

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Yoda Xmas Tree Topper

$59.95 from NeatoShop.com »

Not sure how this new arrangement is going to fly in heaven. Hypothetical: Who would win in a battle between an army of Yodas with LED light sabers and a squadron of angels with golden-bladed halos blessed by God?...

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Santa Beard Beanie

$45 from Beard Beanie »

Ho, ho ho, yo. It's a kitschy hipster beanie hipster kitsched up a little more with the addition of a festive Santa Claus red knit hat and white beard. I've seen quite a few of these making the Web rounds this season...

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'Tis the Season for Suicide Ornaments

$56 from Equaldist »

My nickname is Mr. Brightside, but I get that it takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. So cynics unite! And relish skateboard artist Todd Francis' "'Tis the Season for Suicide" ornament series. Yep, for every merry...