A self-help guide to dealing with the enormous issue I face first thing in the morning every single day of my life and it's packaged as whimsical wall art that will add immeasurable character to my bathroom? How to Pee with Morning Wood, you could be the greatest gift I'll ever acquire. Right next to my huge penis.
The How to Pee with Morning Wood poster is a scrolling semi-gloss print available in sizes ranging from 4" x 24" to 10" x 60". At times when the sun, your junk, and your patience are all up together, it will serve as your #1 Guru, helpfully presenting 9 different illustrated options for hitting your mark with balls-on accuracy even while cursed with a hose that won't bend. Stop wasting your time with cold showers and photos of pregnant women. Give your stiffy instant relief with one of the following methods:
- The Wait. What? How'd that make it on there? Unacceptable. Must be the baseline example of what not to do.
- The Frog. Straddle toilet on balls of feet, knees bent, palms on floor. Now we're getting somewhere. However, appears to require a certain amount of hip and spinal flexibility those who are a little older or a little fatter might not be able to muster.
- The Lunge. Take a knee, boys. Just like pee-wee football, but with a boner primed for successful urination in place of the play reviews and inspirational speech.
- The Tube. As I said, your hose won't bend. But that doesn't mean you can't recruit the services of one that can.
- The Blow Dryer. Another external tool to the rescue. You'll have the best luck with a 357 Magnum model.
- The Portal. Best idea ever. But testing it out runs the risk of whizzing on the wall while discovering the How to Pee with Morning Wood creators are just F'ing with us on this one.
- The Gymnast. Erm. Anyone remember that Seinfeld episode about Good Naked and Bad Naked? The Gymnast definitely falls into the latter category.
- The Handstand. Look, Mama, one hand! Wait, what am I saying?! Don't look, Mama! Get the hell out of here!
- The Superman. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a...solid stream of piss! Ahhhhh.
Muchas danke to Laughing Squid.