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Giant Grizzly Bear Hide

By: on March 26, 2013
Giant Grizzly Bear Hide
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Hmmm, which contributes more to my general state of dumbstruck: the giant grizzly bear hide or the couch it's sitting on? Whomever bought that couch must have had to travel back to 1974 to get it. I didn't realize the visual spectrum contained so many gradations of the hues Mustard and Vomit. And the couch is just our bench player here. I hardly know where to begin with the superstar. I guess by saying that I understand some of you may be outraged that we are putting the dead remains of a majestic beast killed for the pleasure and profit of Man on display. And while I normally do not advocate bear hunting, or really animal hunting of any kind unless it involves gunning down cats and Pugs because both of those species are assholes, I've made an exception here because this bear looks like it was born retarded, so even if it weren't murdered for its pelt, the laws of natural selection probably would not have let it live much longer anyway. At least in rug form it will keep its human owners warm and cover up that godawful couch.

Griz's skin measures 72" from nose tip to tail end, and 68" from claw to claw. For those who didn't score so high on the spatial intelligence portion of your Worth to Society exam, that's pretty big. Like, imagine Dikembe Mutombo standing with his arms in iron cross, but with his elbows bent about 45 degrees because his wingspan is actually 78". By the way, I picked Dikembe Mutombo for this example because he stars in an outstanding Geico commercial that's been airing during the NCAA tournament, the highlight of which is the Nuggets legend blocking an unsuspecting Asian kid's attempt to toss a box of cereal into his grocery cart. The other best March Madness commercial was for Bud Light and featured Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski and the "Yes I am" man.

Oh yeah, the grizzly bear hide is fake. Gotcha!