21

Christopher Walken Taxidermy

By: on February 15, 2013
Discontinued

I can't think of a better way to greet my guests, guard my house, and make myself feel perpetually on the brink of getting the shit kicked out of me than the mounted head of Christopher Walken. The most disturbing former Broadway actor ever once said, "I like to go to work, and also, I don't have any kids. I don't have any hobbies. I don't like to travel. So going to work is kind of it." So I hope he enjoys his new job as a decapitated head living above my fireplace. At least I know there aren't any kids (potential bastards notwithstanding) out there who will miss him. Hollywood and Saturday Night Live will sure miss him though. They've probably made more money off of his cowbell line than every word that hack Tom Hanks has ever muttered during one of his hosting gigs.

In honor of his turn at taxidermy, here are a few of Walken's best movie quotes:

  • From Pulp Fiction: "The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any of the slopes were gonna get their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you."
  • From The Deer Hunter: "Did you hear about the happy Roman? He was G-L-A-D-I-A-T-O-R!"
  • From King of New York: "I thought about you every time I jerked off, dickhead."
  • From Joe Dirt: "You're talking to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron."

Walken taxidermy is hand-sculpted by Rocco Tartamella in Casteline and measures 9-1/2" long x 6-1/2" wide. He arrives in an off-white casting, and presumably can be painted in rainbow colors to match his sunny disposition.

Check it out

Taxidermy Animal Drones

When I first read about, but hadn't yet seen, Copter Company's taxidermy animal drones I though they just sounded kinda goofy. Then I got a look at the Orvillecopter here. A spread-eagle taxidermied quad-cat-ter flying...

Check it out

Who Tall Are You? Mirror

Discontinued

On the one hand, we look at people like Robert DeNiro and Johnny Depp and envy their posh celebrity lives. But on the other, we look at the Who Tall Are You? Mirror and wonder how the H-E double hockey sticks they get...

Buy Now

Crap Taxidermy - Stuffing Gone Wrong

$6.46 from Amazon »

Kat Su has poured the best (and by that I mean strangest and most perverse) of her Tumblr crappytaxidermy.com into a coffee table book sure to make your coffee table the least popular gathering place in town. Crap Taxidermy...

Check it out

Dapper Celebrity Soldier Prints

$24.95 - $55.95 from Society 6 »

Obviously the only one of these celebrities who really sat for his French Republican Guard...or whatever...portrait in the 19th century is Chuck Norris because he's immortal and easily over 200 years old. The rest are...

Check it out

Handbook for the Recently Deceased

$29.95 from Etsy »

This Handbook for the Recently Deceased contains 220 blank pages. I don't know if that's better or worse than Adam and Barbara Maitland's gibberish-filled version. Perhaps better, as at least buyers can fill this one...

Check it out

Mouse Taxidermy Kit

$49.69 from Firebox.com »

I hate to throw out a perfectly good dead mouse. It just seems like an anti-climactic payoff for the money I spend on traps and cheese. I'm glad to hear the people of London agree. According to Firebox, mouse taxidermy...

Buy Now

The Princess Diarist

$16.22 from Amazon »

Buns off to the late Carrie Fisher, who could have settled for the acclaim, money, and minion loyalty her star-making role as Princess Leia earned her almost 40 years ago, but instead chose to distinguish herself further...

Check it out

Beetlejuice Terrarium

Discontinued

According to the Handbook for the Recently Deceased, the Beetlejuice Terrarium is an accurately-depicted scale model of the Maitland-Deetz estate, replete with fence posts, dirt driveway, the foreboding, Burton-esque...

Buy Now

The Big Bad Book of Bill Murray

$14.55 from Amazon »

How many actors have not only become icons for multiple roles they've played but also for playing the role of themselves, and also for simply being themselves? And how many have continued working, remained coveted and...

Buy Now

Director's Clapperboard Digital Alarm Clock

$69.96 from Amazon »

Wednesday morning, take...how many Wednesdays are in a year? How long have I been alive? Let's say Wednesday morning, take 1800. Ahhh, for those in the industry I'll bet the only sound sweeter than someone shouting out...

Check it out

LEGO Taxidermy Deer Kit

$28 from David Cole »

Unlike the Grizzly Robotic Utility Vehicle, this nugget of LEGO taxidermy would be way cooler if it were bigger. When I first saw it I thought it was a life-size LEGO deer head and I was like, "Yahtzee! Cornelius is gonna...

Check it out

Bill Solo T Shirt

Imagine if you will the genius of one William Murray playing Han Solo instead of that old hangdog expression you're used to from Harrison Ford. Maybe Star Wars could have finally become the comedy it aspired to be. Maybe...