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Mr. T Strong Man Toilet Paper Holder

By: on August 21, 2013
$26
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Add a pot-bellied weightlifter to the long and distinguished list of accessories available to facilitate man's wiping of his ass. Mr T heaves overhead a barbell stacked with toilet paper both to inspire us while on the john, and save us from embarrassing brown spots once we get off. Even if you've already made the switch to Shittens as your preferred method of de-soiling, Mr T would be happy just to hang out as a bathroom buddy on the countertop or windowsill. He'd probably even prefer it, as I overheard him complaining to the plunger the other day about how people always unravel from only one roll at a time, or occasionally empty and remove a roll entirely, which leaves him uncomfortably unbalanced. He said it's totally F'd the symmetry his right and left delts and upper traps.

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MYO Telekinetic Armband

$199.99 from Amazon »

Well, telekinetic is only part of the story. Is telemusculokinetic a word too? Maybe that's redundant. Remote control muscles? Yeah, let's go with RC muscles. MYO armbands transform muscles--specifically the arm, or as...

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Electric Head Massager

$165 from Amazon »

I want to know, you want to know, so we may as well just ask: does the electric head massager give good head? And if so, how good? What kind of good? Does it just find its grip and squeeze, or is there some steady, calculated...

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Kettle Gryp - Turn Dumbbells Into Kettlebells

$34.95 from Amazon »

Kettle Gryps get things swinging at the gym. In the hotel fitness center. In your living r- Whoa! Son of a goblet squat, Zanzibar! She-Ra: Princess of Power, can you just keep the cat in the bedroom for, like, 20 minutes...

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Star Wars Fitness Equipment

$64.95 - $199.95 from Onnit »

If you weren't sweating the Dark Side before, one round with Onnit's Star Wars fitness equipment, and I guarantee you'll start. From kettlebell swings to hot yoga, Russian twists to Turkish getups, Onnit is injecting...

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FrictionLabs Secret Stuff Chalk Cream

$19 from Amazon »

That slippery grip? Chalk it up to sweaty hands. To rain and humidity. To oily sunscreen. Then chalk it up from finger to wrist to fix it. FrictionLabs says their Secret Stuff Chalk Cream is the best liquid chalk on the...

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Muscle-Enhancing Shirt

$48.50 from FunkyBod »

Money can squeeze the fat in, and now money can carve the muscle out. Which means there are exactly 0 reasons left for me to exercise. What? Avoiding heart disease and diabetes? Psshhh! Preventable, life-threatening afflictions...

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Fat Gripz Arm Builders

$38.50 from Amazon »

Obviously the best thing to do if you want to be as strong and jacked as humanly possible is take a lot of steroids. But since steroids are expensive and mostly illegal and might make you talk like Mickey Mouse, an alternative...

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PongTu Disposable Sticker Toilet Plunger

$12.88 from Amazon »

To truly get how the PongTu Disposable Sticker Toilet Plunger works, you've got to watch the video. Granted, it's not the best quality, and if you're like me you'll get a little caught up on, How many times is that dude...

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TheraGun Muscle Massager

Sold Out from Amazon »

The TheraGun muscle massager might be the non-human massager to end all massagers. In fact, I'd bet a crisp Abe Lincoln it could give most human proffesionals a run for their money too. Tension and pain relief, increased...

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Naked 3D Fitness Scanner

$499 from Naked »

All you metric-driven, body-conscious visual learners out there, it's time to get Naked. And anyone else intrigued by the idea of using regular 3D body scans to track health and fitness, you might want to give this full-length...

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Short Sleeve Weighted Training Shirt

$249.99 from Amazon »

Here's a way to make yourself way less comfortable, but way more badass while working out. The TITIN Force is a complete weighted compression system all tucked into a short sleeve shirt. It utilizes a 3-part hyper gravity...

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Sit & Decompress - The Ultimate Back Stretcher

$49.99 - $74.99 from Amazon »

Sex swing for your health! Naw, it's not a sex swing. I mean not officially. What you use it for is entirely up to you though. What Sit & Decompress developed their dangling doorway harness for is your spine. They call...