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Roo Balls Kangaroo Scrotum Bottle Openers

By: on January 24, 2015
Roo Balls Kangaroo Scrotum Bottle Openers
$29.95 - $32.95
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Want to be a true baller? Then grab that Triple IPA and crack it open with the scrotum of a Red Kangaroo. Or an Eastern Grey. Roo Balls turns (humanely and legally acquired*) castrated kangaroo bits into beer and wine bottle openers.

Supported by boxer briefs and the slogan "Grab a pair!" Roo Balls is the first company to gain clearance (and probably the only ever to ask) to peddle authentic kanga-sacks as barware in the US. Their 2 styles of bottle opener feature the pairs of a pair of Australian marsupial stars, the Red Kangaroo (Macropus rufus) and the Eastern Grey Kangaroo (Macropus giganteus). Both taxidermied nutsacks are Vagisoft and, well, awkwardly pleasing to the touch. I mean, you can't look these sets of furry balls and unknow that they're sets of furry balls, but if you could...for just a moment...you might find it extremely soothing to cup, cradle, and stroke them. I mean, I don't. At all. But you might.

Big Red Bottle Openers incorporate the Red Kangaroo's balls. This species is the largest of all kangaroos, with full, light fur that varies from longer and slightly curly to a more trim coat. Roo Balls has informed me that buyers are able to request "wild" or "roo scaped" nether regions in the Notes section of their Big Red check-out form. Eastern Grey Bottle Openers feature the smaller and more common of the two kangaroos. Fur on these berries is sparse and darker in color, with a higher likelihood of bald patches and the occasional prominent scar. In other words, the ballsier set of balls.

Roo Balls also uses the Eastern Grey scrotum as a base for their corkscrew wine bottle opener.

*All Roo Balls scrotums are sourced as by-products of the kangaroo meat industry in Australia. The Australian National Parks and Wildlife Service regulates and monitors animal acquisition and use. Roo Balls has also obtained export/import permits from the Australian and US governments to sell the bottle openers in the United States.