Zombie Hammer Survival Tools

By: on December 13, 2013
Zombie Hammer Survival Tools
$79.95 - $139.95
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"Zombie Hammer survival tools are designed to last longer than cockroaches." Longer than cockroaches! Now that's a sell. This knuckle dustered cache of apocalyptic weapons must have a collective immune system of steel! Hold on, let me...yep, verified! Steel! All Zombie Hammer survival tools are made of American steel. In America. By Americans. Zombies better check themselves, 'cause I'm about to wreck themselves. Hand me one of those bad boys.

So...let me get this straight: it's one finger per hole on the grip, swing the pointy side, and don't let let go? Right. OK.

Like I said, ladies, Mr. President, you're in good hands. Zombies, prepare to get hammered!

Zombie Hammer--which, for the record, deters the use of their products on anything that is alive--currently smiths 7 different weapons of zombie destruction and dismemberment. They range in appearance, function, and covetousness from F'ing Sick to No F'ing Way. The OZH, or Original Zombie Hammer, got the armory going, and was designed to crush bone in accordance with the natural arc of its swinger's arm. It carries its weight at the outermost edge, positioned to mirror the point of impact, so the bulk and inertia of the weapon handles the true grunt work of every blow.

Subsequent Zombie Hammer additions include:

  • The Nail Biter. It's the OZH with its head flipped so the tool both looks and swings like a hammer.
  • The Brain Saw. Self explanatory.
  • The Traumahawk. Self explanatory.
  • The Piece Maker. [Golly I love these names! If Cornelius and I ever break up as BFFs I'm giving the Zombie Hammer guys first dibs on taking his place.] Kind of a fat serrated blade.
  • The Street Cleaver. For use on zombified livestock, parts of which may in fact still be edible after cooking and a good scrub down with Windex.
  • The H.A.K. Huge. Ass. Knife. 18" long, hot rolled 3/16" steel through and through.

Muchas danke to Josiah E. for the Dude Product Tip.