Weapons

Echo1 M134 Airsoft Machine Gun

$3,899.99 from Airsplat »

390 FPS, 21-1/2" long barrel, 13-1/2" short barrel, 1,700-round magazine capacity...I don't think I'd even shoot my friend Cornelius in the ass with one of these things to try to get on Tosh.0. The Echo1 M134 MiniGun...

Firearm-Mounted Axe Heads

$110 - $120 from Melee Mods »

Since The Walking Dead started again, I've been thinking I need a new zombie-decimating weapon for use in my daydreams about stuffing them with bullets and hacking off their heads. Melee Mods' Tact-Axe and Gatchet should...

Falcon Slingbows

$135 - $300.95 from Falcon Slingbows »

Rattlin' Randy Riffenburgh owns the dual titles of Falcon Slingbow Creator and Falcon Slingbow Sniper. He developed the patent-pending, arrow-shooting slingshot for hunting, fishing, and target shooting. And he reigns...

Big Bore Hunting Blowgun

$19.99 from Amazon »

This is a Cold Steel Big Bore Hunting Blowgun. It is 4' long with a 3mm barrel and target-style mouthpiece for firing .625 magnum darts. No cheap materials or shoddy assembly here either. Made of polymer, rubber, and...

Morph Fire Paintball Gun Converter

$159.99 - $175.99 from Morph Fire »

This isn't a toy: it's power incarnate. That's how the guys at Morph Fire feel about their 656 converter packs, which turn paintball guns into 600 fps, 6mm BB guns. Coincidentally, it's also how I feel about my pitching...

HALO V 3X - 32" Switchblade

$9,500 from Blade HQ »

Better known as the Gargantuan Beast, Marfione Customs' HALO V 3X is a 32" out the front knife begging to battle Bigfoot and become the next addition to your Microtech collection. As indicated, the 3X is 3 times the size...

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Grizzly 8.5" Magfed Shotgun

$411 from Canada Ammo »

No one has written a Wikipedia article on Dominion Arms' Grizzly 8.5 magfed shotgun yet, and no one has given me a Dominion Arms Grizzly 8.5 mag fed shotgun yet, so all I can really say about it is that from the very...

Buy Tighe Dual Blade Titanium Knife

$1k from Blade HQ »

This dual-bladed evolution of bladesmith Brian Tighe's Nirk Tighe won Most Innovative Custom Design at the 2012 BLADE Show. Now what I wonder is if the Buy Tighe knife is really so outstanding that it's worth a cool grand...

The World's First Smart Rifle

$22,500 - $27,500 from TrackingPoint »

Taking top honors in the category of Yo That's Crazy and Moderately Disturbing but I Guess It Was Gonna Happen Sometime: TrackingPoint's PGF. Precision. Guided. Firearm. It's fighter-jet-style, lock-and-launch technology...

Zombie Hammer Survival Tools

$79.95 - $139.95 from Zombie Hammer »

"Zombie Hammer survival tools are designed to last longer than cockroaches." Longer than cockroaches! Now that's a sell. This knuckle dustered cache of apocalyptic weapons must have a collective immune system of steel!...

Decimator Staff Lightsaber

Discontinued

I wish Saberforge would stop churning out new custom designs faster than I can squirrel away enough money from helping old ladies with groceries and skimming off the top of the church collection basket to buy them all....

Benthic Knife

Five seconds into a look through Triangle Krav Maga's Website and Facebook photo stream and two things become abundantly clear: these cats do not F around; and I would like an application to become one of them. After...

Rubber Band Gatling Gun

$999.99 from Amazon »

The Junior Devastator is an 80-shot rubber band gatling gun that "sprays rubber bands like a hose sprays water." Two points on that. 1) I wonder what Daddy Devastator looks like. 2) The JD is the third, and probably the...

Minimalist Pocket Knife

Sold Out from Amazon »

When I need to cut line or slice through nylon...or, more likely, since I don't really do outdoor activities or know how to safely wield a knife, when I need to expediently cleave open the box containing my new copy of...

The Gun Box - RFID Safe

$279 - $475 from The Gun Box »

Gun Box has determined that your hand is the only thing that should stand between you and your gun. So buy a Gun Box, and not only will you get a weapon safe that opens exclusively in response to your personal RFID chip...

Coonan Triple Threat Apocalyptic Kit

Discontinued

When I think of Coonan, I think first of .357 Magnums. But a close and immediate second is zombie and vampire slaying. And now I'm wondering if the firearms manufacturer and I have a psychic connection. I'm wondering...

Rubber Band Machine Gun

$59.95 from XYZbot »

In the grand spirit of rubber band guns--and according to Rubber Band Machine Gun creator XYZbot, there is indeed a grand spirit and subculture of rubber band guns in Japan--we present your favorite organization, binding...

Ontario ASEK - Aircrew Survival Egress Knife

$115.52 from Amazon »

Following WWII, the US Army Aviation Branch sought to upgrade their soldiers' Aircrew Survival Egress Knives, or ASEKs. Required specs included: the ability to cut through both aircraft bodies and acrylic/glass windows;...

.68 Caliber Paintball Pistol

$219 - $229.99 from Amazon »

Tippmann calls their TiPX a "true military-style paintball pistol", which is cool, but also surprises me because I have always been under the impression that the military uses guns that fire real bullets. Compact, lightweight...

Shark Tooth Weapons

$115 - $335 from Etsy »

Land shark! Or at least the scariest part of the shark now available to tear into human flesh on land. Dane Kealoha's shark tooth weapons style themselves after traditional blades and blunt implements with walloping power...

Airsoft Tornado Impact Grenade

$90.50 - $99.99 from Amazon »

Pull the pin and let the propane do the rest. When Airsoft's Tornado Impact Grenades detonate, they scatter over 200 plastic 6mm pellets in all 3 dimensions under which your enemies might try to take cover. This means...

Triple Barrel Shotgun

$1,629 from Chiappa Firearms »

I don't know how to shoot a gun, or really even how to hold a gun without soiling my pants, but I bet if someone put one gun in my hands and another to my head and demanded I use the former to fire at a watermelon dangling...

Skull Finger Sap

$55 from D3 Protection »

Sap is an interesting word because it can connote both a sorry, pathetic loser and an object of grit and power that will F your S up. Here we will talk about the second version of sap because, in honor of summer's official...

Zombie Tools

$189.95 - $574.95 from Zombie Tools »

Am I tired of zombies? Mmm...not really. Am I tired of ominous-looking, exceptionally hand-smithed swords and knives and machetes with blades sharp enough to slice through 24 cans of PBR in one blow (and a few tries)?...

SAR12 Paintball Sniper Rifle

Excuse me, sirs of Carmatech Engineering, but are you sure this so-called paintball sniper rifle shoots only balls of paint, and not balls of, like, lead? Oh, is that so? Yeah, OK, that makes sense. The SAR12 Sniper shoots...

Handmade Damascus Steel Daggers

$75 - $1,200 from Etsy »

DCIllusion hand forge and finesse their blades from damascus steel, their handles from the likes of bone, horns, and brass, and their designs from the combined imaginations of the world's best LARPers. Each of the two...

M4 180lb Tactical Crossbow

Sold Out from Amazon »

Stealth. Stamina. Sniper sight. And that's just the M4 Tactical Crossbow itself. Like, before taking into account the litany of powerful, valiant, not-to-be-F'd-with characteristics Cornelius and I will bring to the table...

Shock & Awe Zombie Killer Knife

$16.06 from Amazon »

If you missed out on the Chain Link Zombie Slayer Axe, console...and arm...and shock & awe yourself with this sick little zombie killing knife. Combining the functionality of a kitchen cleaver and the intimidating aesthetics...

Chain Link Zombie Slayer Axe

Discontinued

Blacksmith Stephen Heeney designed and welded this chain link axe himself. He does not recommend using it to chop wood. He recommends using it to hack the ever loving viral entrails and decaying brain matter out of zombies....

Unbreakable Slugger Umbrella

$119 - $199.95 from Amazon »

Look at that dude standin' on his umbrella! Aw snap, he just wailed on an 80-pound heavy bag with it. Holy crap, now he used it to hack up a watermelon! That's sufficient enough evidence for me to believe the Unbreakable...

Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk

$30.86 from Amazon »

This is what I have to say about the Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk: sometimes, God does man a favor. Such as when He allows him to conceive and actualize pasties. Two nights in a row now, I've attended functions that randomly...

Brite Strike Tactical Balls

$39.99 from Amazon »

Disorienting, blinding, and giving people seizures all serve as excellent forms of distraction during attempts at self-defense and ploys to make off with the $80 giant peanut butter cup cake. Brite Strike's Tactical Balls...

The Peacemaker - Nightstick Stun Gun

Sold Out from Amazon »

Peacemaker sounds noble. Civil. The Ned Stark approach. Which also connotes decapitation of he who bears the peace. When we're discussing a nightstick charged with 6,000,000 volts of blood-buzzing electricity, Peaceforcer...

Carbon Fiber Daggers

$65 - $85 from Carbon Fiber Gear »

The Escort series of carbon fiber daggers is not meant for cutting. It's meant for stabbing. That statement did not even stem from my powers of deduction, but directly from the manufacturer's literature. Aerospace grade...

Grenade Folding Knife

$8.09 from Amazon »

The extent of Amazon's grenade knife description: "Looks like a grenade." Hmmm...sold! I'm such an easy target for advertisers. Don Draper could probably sell me a pile of gorilla shit. He could probably sell me a ticket...

Custom Made Lightsabers

$129.99 - $499 from Etsy »

Be advised: Although Phillip Isherwood's custom crafted lightsabers blaze LED spectral force fields of green, red, or blue and arrive with 36" long polycarbonate blades designed for full speed, full contact dueling, he...

Bleeding Zombie Clown Target

$89.95 from Amazon »

The original Tactical Bleeding Zombie Target provides hours of strategic and graphic training for ZDay vigilantes, but until now, shooting practice accessories did little for those who hate both zombies and clowns. Which...

ZDay Blades & Bludgeons

$75 - $945 from Etsy »

In the words of the great Missy Elliott's lyrical masterpiece "Ching-A-Ling", "This is serious maaannnn!" Etsy vendor ZDay Survivor's extensive collection of hand-chiseled, zombie-eradicating blades and bludgeons don't...

Baseball Bat Flashlight

$21.66 - $77.10 from Amazon »

A swing and a miss no more. Not with 400 Lumens of LED light pouring from the tip of your baseball bat. Available in compact, but business-takin'-care-of 15-1/2", and say-goodbye-to-the-bones-in-your-face 23-1/2" models*...

Multi-Action Rubber Band Shotgun

Sold Out from Amazon »

My girlfriend says there's a laser treatment for your face that feels like you're repeatedly getting shot with a fully-extended rubber band. Which sounds terrible to me, and not really that much fun for either the recipient...

Manticuda Knife

$275 from Hard Point »

In life, it's important to possess three things with a pistol grip: a pistol; a hairdryer; and a Manticuda knife. Designed for ease of access and supreme thrusting power, the steel Manticuda's fixed blade and 90-degree...

Sap Cap - Weaponized Baseball Hat

Sold Out from Amazon »

Unassuming. Low-profile. Comfortable. Able to shatter wrist bones. Just the combination of qualities I've been looking for in a baseball hat. The Sap Cap takes traditional headwear to the covert weapon level with its...

Mace Pepper Spray Gun

$35 from Amazon »

Good news, Ralphie Parker. The whole point of the Mace Pepper Gun is to shoot an eye out. Using patented Bag-in-a-Can technology--ooh, that sounds...the opposite of intimidating--the pistol's system enables loaded cartridges...

Self Defense Shoelace Inserts

$14.44 from Amazon »

Fury's Tactical Kuba-Kickz is a lightweight plastic, spiked insert that fits between the weave of shoelaces and serves as a--how do you say?--balls-on accurate, devastatingly effective, though non-lethal self defense...

Crovel Tactical Shovel

$109.99 from GearUp »

"Crovel", like "spork", is a portmanteau word. It combines "Shovel" and "Crap! I'm gonna get impaled, sawed, and scooped all at once!" GearUp's latest in a respectable line of survival tools, the Crovel Tactical weighs...

Railroad Spike Knives

Discontinued

Blacksmith Jeremy Duke has four things to say about his Railroad Spike Knives. They are 1) forged for our pleasure and 2) predominantly novelty items, but 3) can be used to F someone up as a weapon, although he makes...

Portable Survival Rifle

$290 - $350 from Henry Repeating Arms »

"Don't leave civilization without one." It's the motto of the US Survival AR-7, a semi-automatic portable rifle that weighs a mere 3-1/2 pounds and measures in at 16-1/2" long when broken down and stowed in its waterproof...

Yellow Jacket - iPhone Stun Gun Case

$39 - $74.95 from Yellow Jacket »

In an act of retaliation against its relegation to the uncomfortably jarring vibrate setting, the iPhone has summoned the Yellow Jacket, and plans to return the favor. In the form of a body-rocking 650,000 volts. The...