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Weapons

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Sunday, July 27, 2014
$1,400 from SilencerCo »

I think most sportsmen would agree that hunting and skeet shooting are fun, but going deaf is not. And while earmuffs and plugs can assist with eardrum preservation, they can also inhibit the detection of other critical sounds....

Friday, January 10, 2014
$411 from Canada Ammo »

No one has written a Wikipedia article on Dominion Arms' Grizzly 8.5 magfed shotgun yet, and no one has given me a Dominion Arms Grizzly 8.5 mag fed shotgun yet, so all I can really say about it is that from the very first...

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Here's a 445NM Infinity Blue Laser Blaster by Tony Starks. I don't know if that's his real name or not, but if so now we know that having just one letter more than Iron Man makes you Laser Man. The trapezoidal-rhomboidal-pieced blaster with its shooting indigo beam looks kind of like Portal meets the rails of a hospital bed. It can do all of everyone's favorite laser tricks, such as popping balloons...

Sunday, December 1, 2013
$850 from Etsy »

I wish Saberforge would stop churning out new custom designs faster than I can squirrel away enough money from helping old ladies with groceries and skimming off the top of the church collection basket to buy them all. This...

Sunday, March 18, 2012
$4,400 - $4,950 from Arsenal Firearms »

The AF2011-A1 Double Barrel Pistol is a first on two counts. It's the first ever double barrel semiautomatic pistol manufactured for sale (not available yet, but on deck for Fall 2012). And, after getting a load of the "Twenty...

Friday, December 13, 2013
$79.95 - $139.95 from Zombie Hammer »

"Zombie Hammer survival tools are designed to last longer than cockroaches." Longer than cockroaches! Now that's a sell. This knuckle dustered cache of apocalyptic weapons must have a collective immune system of steel! Hold on, let me...yep, verified! Steel! All Zombie Hammer survival tools are made of American steel. In America. By Americans. Zombies better check themselves, 'cause I'm about to...

Sunday, December 15, 2013
$22,500 - $27,500 from TrackingPoint »

Taking top honors in the category of Yo That's Crazy and Moderately Disturbing but I Guess It Was Gonna Happen Sometime: TrackingPoint's PGF. Precision. Guided. Firearm. It's fighter-jet-style, lock-and-launch technology stuffed...

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Five seconds into a look through Triangle Krav Maga's Website and Facebook photo stream and two things become abundantly clear: these cats do not F around; and I would like an application to become one of them. After all...

Thursday, February 23, 2012
$305.63 from Amazon »

Are you prepared to fight for the survival and integrity of family, friends, and the human race in apocalyptic combat with the ambulatory dead? In other words, do you want to buy a 7-piece set of gut-ripping knives and sick...

Sunday, August 19, 2012

"Don't leave civilization without one." It's the motto of the US Survival AR-7, a semi-automatic portable rifle that weighs a mere 3-1/2 pounds and measures in at 16-1/2" long when broken down and stowed in its waterproof...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Monday, December 24, 2012
$129.99 - $499 from Amazon »

Be advised: Although Phillip Isherwood's custom crafted lightsabers blaze LED spectral force fields of green, red, or blue and arrive with 36" long polycarbonate blades designed for full speed, full contact dueling, he wants...

Friday, May 23, 2014
$35 from Vigilant Gear »

NukoTools' Fatboy NukoHead provides 3/8" of non-metallic double-knuckle impact for maximal Don't F with me effect. And since it looks like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas, you may not even need to make...

Sunday, June 30, 2013
$1,629 from Chiappa Firearms »

I don't know how to shoot a gun, or really even how to hold a gun without soiling my pants, but I bet if someone put one gun in my hands and another to my head and demanded I use the former to fire at a watermelon dangling...

Sunday, May 13, 2012
$1,850 from Etsy »

You look at the replica M41A Pulse Rifle from Aliens, its fully adjustable metal stock and removable magazine, and wonder, Is it real? It looks real. It's the right shape. It's...huge...definitely the right size. It moves...

Wednesday, February 19, 2014
$3,899.99 from Airsplat »

390 FPS, 21-1/2" long barrel, 13-1/2" short barrel, 1,700-round magazine capacity...I don't think I'd even shoot my friend Cornelius in the ass with one of these things to try to get on Tosh.0. The Echo1 M134 MiniGun is an...

Wednesday, February 26, 2014
By: Armatix

Looks like James Bond and Data from The Goonies are finally making good on that collaboration they've been talking about. What we have here is a smartwatch-controlled pistol. A gun that will fire only if it is within range...

Thursday, January 30, 2014
$135 - $300.95 from Falcon Slingbows »

Rattlin' Randy Riffenburgh owns the dual titles of Falcon Slingbow Creator and Falcon Slingbow Sniper. He developed the patent-pending, arrow-shooting slingshot for hunting, fishing, and target shooting. And he reigns supreme...

Tuesday, February 11, 2014
$110 - $120 from Melee Mods »

Since The Walking Dead started again, I've been thinking I need a new zombie-decimating weapon for use in my daydreams about stuffing them with bullets and hacking off their heads. Melee Mods' Tact-Axe and Gatchet should do...

Monday, May 27, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

Stealth. Stamina. Sniper sight. And that's just the M4 Tactical Crossbow itself. Like, before taking into account the litany of powerful, valiant, not-to-be-F'd-with characteristics Cornelius and I will bring to the table...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012
$11.15 from Amazon »

Unassuming. Low-profile. Comfortable. Able to shatter wrist bones. Just the combination of qualities I've been looking for in a baseball hat. The Sap Cap takes traditional headwear to the covert weapon level with its pellet-filled...

Sunday, January 12, 2014
$9,500 from Blade HQ »

Better known as the Gargantuan Beast, Marfione Customs' HALO V 3X is a 32" out the front knife begging to battle Bigfoot and become the next addition to your Microtech collection. As indicated, the 3X is 3 times the size of...

Thursday, March 8, 2012
Sold Out from Amazon »

If you're looking to stab someone in the back, knife them in the heart, or just royally screw them over, Microtech's MCT1057 Jagdkommando fixed blade knife is the definitive way to do it. A version of the manufacturer's Marfione...

Tuesday, August 6, 2013
$90.50 - $99.99 from Amazon »

Pull the pin and let the propane do the rest. When Airsoft's Tornado Impact Grenades detonate, they scatter over 200 plastic 6mm pellets in all 3 dimensions under which your enemies might try to take cover. This means that...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011
$34 from Amazon »

This, unbelievably, is exactly what the name suggests, a mini desktop cannon that fires standard BBs. And, it's pretty damn cool. You really need to watch the video to see it in action. I'm certain this will be used for nefarious...

Sunday, March 2, 2014
$110 from Amazon »

Maybe you'd rather your 6-pack attack come from the real one--the M-32 multiple grenade launcher Mach Machowicz once demoed on Future Weapons--but you'll probably get yourself into a lot less trouble with the po and your mom...

Monday, July 16, 2012
$23,999 from Optics Planet »

OK, zombiologists, conspiracy theorists, slaves to sci-fi, and keepers of the Boy Scout motto, it's time to put your $24,000 where your mouth is. OpticsPlanet has assembled a stunning and formidable sprawl of zombie apocalypse...

Friday, April 6, 2012
$705 from Serbu Firearms »

The Super Shorty Shotgun is based on a Mossberg Maverick 12-gauge, and, at an additional cost, is also available in models Mossberg 500, Remington 870, and Lil' Kim. Factory-fabricated with a pistol grip, the Super Shorty...

Monday, May 5, 2014
Sold Out from Amazon »

Here's a different take on the Bat-Signal. In the sense that the person flashing it is definitely not the person who needs help. A hand-crafted self defense and EDC tool, the bat slips over fired-up knuckles and thwarts (or...

Friday, January 17, 2014
$159.99 - $175.99 from Morph Fire »

This isn't a toy: it's power incarnate. That's how the guys at Morph Fire feel about their 656 converter packs, which turn paintball guns into 600 fps, 6mm BB guns. Coincidentally, it's also how I feel about my pitching arm...

Saturday, January 28, 2012
$33.17 from Amazon »

When it comes to delivery method, punching someone in the face has 3 tiers of awesome: 1) Bare fist; 2) Fist coated in brass knuckles; 3) Fist coated in brass knuckles juiced up to deliver 950,000 volts of blue lightning upon...

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Excuse me, sirs of Carmatech Engineering, but are you sure this so-called paintball sniper rifle shoots only balls of paint, and not balls of, like, lead? Oh, is that so? Yeah, OK, that makes sense. The SAR12 Sniper shoots...

Friday, June 14, 2013
$189.95 - $574.95 from Zombie Tools »

Am I tired of zombies? Mmm...not really. Am I tired of ominous-looking, exceptionally hand-smithed swords and knives and machetes with blades sharp enough to slice through 24 cans of PBR in one blow (and a few tries)? Definitely...

Tuesday, October 15, 2013
$180 - $475 from The Gun Box »

Gun Box has determined that your hand is the only thing that should stand between you and your gun. So buy a Gun Box, and not only will you get a weapon safe that opens exclusively in response to your personal RFID chip, but...

Sunday, February 24, 2013
$42.78 from Amazon »

Disorienting, blinding, and giving people seizures all serve as excellent forms of distraction during attempts at self-defense and ploys to make off with the $80 giant peanut butter cup cake. Brite Strike's Tactical Balls...

Sunday, October 13, 2013
$39.95 from Coonan »

When I think of Coonan, I think first of .357 Magnums. But a close and immediate second is zombie and vampire slaying. And now I'm wondering if the firearms manufacturer and I have a psychic connection. I'm wondering if they...

Thursday, January 23, 2014
$23.69 from Amazon »

This is a Cold Steel Big Bore Hunting Blowgun. It is 4' long with a 3mm barrel and target-style mouthpiece for firing .625 magnum darts. No cheap materials or shoddy assembly here either. Made of polymer, rubber, and aluminum...

Monday, February 4, 2013
$65 - $85 from Carbon Fiber Gear »

The Escort series of carbon fiber daggers is not meant for cutting. It's meant for stabbing. That statement did not even stem from my powers of deduction, but directly from the manufacturer's literature. Aerospace grade woven...

Saturday, April 13, 2013
Discontinued

Blacksmith Stephen Heeney designed and welded this chain link axe himself. He does not recommend using it to chop wood. He recommends using it to hack the ever loving viral entrails and decaying brain matter out of zombies....

Wednesday, February 13, 2013
$25.95 from Amazon »

Peacemaker sounds noble. Civil. The Ned Stark approach. Which also connotes decapitation of he who bears the peace. When we're discussing a nightstick charged with 6,000,000 volts of blood-buzzing electricity, Peaceforcer...

Thursday, March 13, 2014
$99 - $249 from Pro-Defense »

Designed originally for law enforcement and military use, Pro-Defense calls their F4 Tactical rail-mounted pepper spray the non-lethal alternative. Which I take to mean getting hit by a solid stream of it is still going to...

Sunday, March 10, 2013
$32 from Amazon »

This is what I have to say about the Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk: sometimes, God does man a favor. Such as when He allows him to conceive and actualize pasties. Two nights in a row now, I've attended functions that randomly...

Saturday, April 26, 2014
$43.28 from Amazon »

This Otis tactical pouch reminds me of that classic TV trope. A teenage boy awkwardly heads to the front door to pick up a teenage girl for their first date, and when he walks in the house there sits her dad. Cleaning his...

Tuesday, November 20, 2012
$75 - $945 from Etsy »

In the words of the great Missy Elliott's lyrical masterpiece "Ching-A-Ling", "This is serious maaannnn!" Etsy vendor ZDay Survivor's extensive collection of hand-chiseled, zombie-eradicating blades and bludgeons don't just...

Tuesday, April 23, 2013
$16.99 from Amazon »

If you missed out on the Chain Link Zombie Slayer Axe, console...and arm...and shock & awe yourself with this sick little zombie killing knife. Combining the functionality of a kitchen cleaver and the intimidating aesthetics...

Sunday, November 17, 2013
$318.97 from Amazon »

The Junior Devastator is an 80-shot rubber band gatling gun that "sprays rubber bands like a hose sprays water." Two points on that. 1) I wonder what Daddy Devastator looks like. 2) The JD is the third, and probably the most...

Friday, October 4, 2013
$59.95 from XYZbot »

In the grand spirit of rubber band guns--and according to Rubber Band Machine Gun creator XYZbot, there is indeed a grand spirit and subculture of rubber band guns in Japan--we present your favorite organization, binding...

Saturday, February 4, 2012
$5.75 from Amazon »

Add some extra spice to your knuckle sandwich. On a typical day, Brutus the Bulldog simply tricks out the keys to your Honda Civic. But on the day you leave the Civic at home, and get jumped walking home from the bar, Brutus'...

Sunday, August 11, 2013
$219 - $229.99 from Amazon »

Tippmann calls their TiPX a "true military-style paintball pistol", which is cool, but also surprises me because I have always been under the impression that the military uses guns that fire real bullets. Compact, lightweight...

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

As we prepare to honor the USA with a day of drinking beer, eating potato salad, dinking around with bottle rockets, and setting fire to the sky, the Four-Barrel Underwater Dart Gun would like to remind us we should also raise...

Monday, April 30, 2012

Ornery watermelons, prepare to meet your fate. Tactical tinkerer, and Laser Glove creator, Patrick Priebe's Blade Driver crossbow launches whirling buzz saws at all deserving targets, but especially those that are mealy, not...

Friday, December 23, 2011
$89.95 from Zombie Industries »

Target practice with human targets seems so cruel (although practical since most of the time it's other people that are getting shot). Why not practice drilling holes in things that are already dead and will probably at some...

Thursday, October 11, 2012
$9.54 from Amazon »

Fury's Tactical Kuba-Kickz is a lightweight plastic, spiked insert that fits between the weave of shoelaces and serves as a--how do you say?--balls-on accurate, devastatingly effective, though non-lethal self defense tool....

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

when preparing for the inevitable zombie apocalypse the present has no rival in terms of when to prepare. Look people, they're coming. And if you wanna survive, you're gonna need some ammo capable of killing zombies. Thankfully...

Tuesday, July 24, 2012
$99 from Yellow Jacket »

In an act of retaliation against its relegation to the uncomfortably jarring vibrate setting, the iPhone has summoned the Yellow Jacket, and plans to return the favor. In the form of a body-rocking 650,000 volts. The Yellow...

Thursday, September 20, 2012
Discontinued

Blacksmith Jeremy Duke has four things to say about his Railroad Spike Knives. They are 1) forged for our pleasure and 2) predominantly novelty items, but 3) can be used to F someone up as a weapon, although he makes them...

Saturday, June 22, 2013
$55 from D3 Protection »

Sap is an interesting word because it can connote both a sorry, pathetic loser and an object of grit and power that will F your S up. Here we will talk about the second version of sap because, in honor of summer's official...

Wednesday, December 18, 2013
$1k from Blade HQ »

This dual-bladed evolution of bladesmith Brian Tighe's Nirk Tighe won Most Innovative Custom Design at the 2012 BLADE Show. Now what I wonder is if the Buy Tighe knife is really so outstanding that it's worth a cool grand...

Wednesday, September 4, 2013
$116.18 from Amazon »

Following WWII, the US Army Aviation Branch sought to upgrade their soldiers' Aircrew Survival Egress Knives, or ASEKs. Required specs included: the ability to cut through both aircraft bodies and acrylic/glass windows; designs...

Friday, August 26, 2011
Sold Out from Amazon »

The real question is... can you wear one of these out in public? These are sharp, flexible and the perfect finishing touch to a catwoman outfit. Or they'd be great for slicing up intruders that break in your apartment at night...

Sunday, June 2, 2013
$75 - $1,200 from Etsy »

DCIllusion hand forge and finesse their blades from damascus steel, their handles from the likes of bone, horns, and brass, and their designs from the combined imaginations of the world's best LARPers. Each of the two dozen...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Discontinued

One thing that sucks about using a crowbar to beat someone up in a dark alley is the dark alley part. How are you supposed to tell if it's really connecting with the intended's face and other vital organs, or just delivering...

Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sold Out from Amazon »

Although Agent BloodRayne used a similar arm blade to exterminate vampires, this non-digitized replica is made of stainless steel, not silver, so it will be of little assistance in your mission to annihilate Edward Cullen...

Thursday, February 2, 2012
$270 from Valyrian Steel »

Though it ultimately couldn't keep Ned Stark's head affixed to his body, the Valyrian steel sword Ice did serve his majesty of Winterfell well. And, should you be one of the lucky keepers of the North to grasp the formidable...

Sunday, November 11, 2012
$21.66 - $77.10 from Amazon »

A swing and a miss no more. Not with 400 Lumens of LED light pouring from the tip of your baseball bat. Available in compact, but business-takin'-care-of 15-1/2", and say-goodbye-to-the-bones-in-your-face 23-1/2" models*...

Sunday, August 11, 2013
$115 - $335 from Etsy »

Land shark! Or at least the scariest part of the shark now available to tear into human flesh on land. Dane Kealoha's shark tooth weapons style themselves after traditional blades and blunt implements with walloping power...

Wednesday, October 16, 2013
$48.72 from Amazon »

When I need to cut line or slice through nylon...or, more likely, since I don't really do outdoor activities or know how to safely wield a knife, when I need to expediently cleave open the box containing my new copy of Hyrule...

Sunday, September 25, 2011
Sold Out from Amazon »

Perfect for the aspiring ninja or make believe superhero, these will have you scaling trees in your backyard in no time. Made from pure black stainless steel. Just be careful you don't hurt yourself. Being a ninja is a tough...

Monday, April 8, 2013
$119 - $199.95 from Amazon »

Look at that dude standin' on his umbrella! Aw snap, he just wailed on an 80-pound heavy bag with it. Holy crap, now he used it to hack up a watermelon! That's sufficient enough evidence for me to believe the Unbreakable Umbrella...