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The Dog Treadmill

By: on June 19, 2013
$999
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I don't understand why the dog needs a treadmill. 1) Can't its human owner just take it outside to run around, or 2) can't it just use the treadmill its human owner already has? Oh wait, now that I've written it down it all becomes clear. Both of the above scenarios presume the human owner makes getting off his or her own fat ass a regular practice. I don't know about you, but in my case that would not be happening. Do you know how awful running on some digitized Precor POS is? Almost as awful as running on grass or pavement. So dog, meet your new exercise buddy: the Dog Treadmill. It's cool if you pretend it's a lady Yorkie and hump it when you're done working out.

This DogTread accommodates pooches weighing up to 30 pounds, which in my experience are those most likely to get fat and slovenly. Like my ex-girlfriend's big fat fattie Westie, who always got the indignant, "He's not fat, he's big boned!" treatment from her when I pointed it out. Its programmable speed ranges from 0 to 5 mph and the tread surface incline is adjustable.

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No More Woof - Dog to Human Translator

$65 - $400 from No More Woof »

From the Nordic Society of Invention and Discovery--yes, that's a real society, not one made up by Wes Anderson--comes No More Woof, a device that lifts up the latest technology in micro computing and EEG, and plops it...

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Shed Defender Dog Onesie

$39.99 - $61.99 from Amazon »

Will zipping your dog into a Shed Defender make him look like a canine fool? Sure. But no more so than putting him in pet samurai armor or an AT-AT costume for your personal viewing pleasure. And while the latter have...

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Water Walker Underwater Treadmill

You know those dreams you have where you're trying to run towards or away from something, but you just...can't...make...your feet...move? It's like running through quicksand, or setting concrete, or...on an underwater...

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Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)

$59.99 - $99.99 from Amazon »

It's the one body part P90X neglects. But before you reach for a Viagra to long-and-strongify your johnson, the Private Gym would like its shot at ripping your penis to shr-...uh.... Maybe I'll go with a different idiomatic...

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Bas Rutten O2 Trainer

$49.95 from Amazon »

Who wants to wheeze like a fat asthmatic chasing down the ice cream man? I do! I do! Temporarily anyway. MMA master and onetime UFC Heavyweight Champion Bas Rutten developed his O2 Trainer to build strength in a part...

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King Bed with Doggie Insert

Discontinued

Jason Barton made a king bed with enough room for the King of the Bed. Which means you'll be sleeping on a cut piece of memory foam stuck in the 23" insert tacked onto its side....

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Samurai Pet Armor for Cats & Dogs

Don't let that samurai-armored Shiba Inu's smile fool you. The dog is ready for feudal Japan levels of combat. See his samurai sword? Hiding there in his mouth? If I were you I'd armor up, find a weapon, and brace yourself....

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Your Pet's Nose Ring

$284.99 from Etsy »

I'm all for loving your pet...and your pet's nose. But your pet's nose as a ring? Even if the sweet pup or kitty has moved on to taller trees and bigger litter boxes, I'm not sure wearing a sterling silver cast of their...

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Star Wars Fitness Equipment

$64.95 - $199.95 from Onnit »

If you weren't sweating the Dark Side before, one round with Onnit's Star Wars fitness equipment, and I guarantee you'll start. From kettlebell swings to hot yoga, Russian twists to Turkish getups, Onnit is injecting...

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The Dude Dog Sweater

$49 - $59 from Pendleton »

If The Dude were a dog, there's no question this Pendleton sweater is what he'd wear. But. What kind dog would he be while wearing it? St. Bernard? Shar-Pei? Scruffy hound dog?...

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iFetch Automatic Ball Launcher

$114.99 from Amazon »

iFetch isn't the first automatic ball launcher for dogs, but it's about half the cost of the Go Dog Go, and I am more partial to iFetch's video of the dancing Boston Terrier than I am to Go Dog Go's of the spastic Puggle....

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Rodeo Boy Exercise Machine

The Rodeo Boy exercise machine adds some Japanese elegance, more mechanical bull aesthetics, and 6 speeds of body-rockin' power to the Rodeo Core fitness trainer we saw here a couple years ago. I'm not sure how effective...