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Zombie Back Scratcher

By: on August 20, 2012
$24.95
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I see NeatoShop's Zombie Back Scratcher, and I ruminate on how a brokerage of this persuasion of itch annihilation might go down. I have come up with the following:

Zombie: Grrrawwrrr! Brains! Rrrawwwrrr!

Me: Noooo! I'm too young to have my brains eaten! I haven't even...hey, those are some sharp, jaundiced-looking fingernails you got there. Would you mind just giving me a quick scratch...

Zombie: Grrrawwwrrr!

Me: Yeah, I know you're hungry or whatever, but it's that spot right between my shoulder blades that I can't quite reach, and it's driving me nuts. Like, I can't even focus on getting mauled right now, so can you just...or here, how about this? I'm gonna use my Abe Lincoln Felling Axe, and just hack your freakin' arm off...

Whoosh! Whack! [Arm falls to floor. Zombie is agitated, compelling me also to remove his head and a few other body parts that detach easily before procured the arm.]

Me: Ahhh! That's the spot. Sigh. Yeah. That's good stuff.

Zombie Back Scratchers mark the world's premier means of assuaging pesky itches with limbs of the undead. Their glorious detailing and unique hand painted designs--no two are exactly alike--also make them sweet additions to Halloween decor. Measurements are 3" W x 15" L x 2" D.

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