By: on June 02, 2013
$39 - $127
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Broquets are cornucopias of real man stuff sent to real men...plus women who don't want no stinkin' roses, and would rather have a vat of hot sauce that puts hair on their chest than a box of chocolates that puts pounds on their ass. Over a dozen themed Broquet compilations arrive wrapped in functional packaging ranging from cigar boxes and gear bags to fish nets reclaimed from the coast of Louisiana. Sample Broquet grab bags include:

The Woodsman, Chopping Tools.

  • Gerber Gator Combo Axe, a 16" hatchet with forged steel blade, plus a 10" saw enclosed in the handle.
  • Wells Lamont pigskin and denim gloves.
  • Kodiak log carrier.
  • 50 feet of 1/4" nylon rope.
  • $78

The All-Nighter, Hangover First-Aid Kit.

  • DrinkWel (4 packs), the multi-vitamin for drinkers.
  • Mercy. A solution that restores the body's glutathione, an amino acid that helps men to look women in the eye instead of the chest.
  • Pedialyte powder pack. Broquet bros say, "Strong enough for a baby, made for a man."
  • E-Boost (2 pack) to start the morning-after festivities.
  • Blowfish (2 pack), a fizzing morning-after tablet.
  • Instant Cold Pack. Crack open, apply to area most visibly throbbing.
  • Scope. On the off-chance you're sharing a bed with someone who doesn't want to roll over to Maker's-Manhattan-with-a-side-of-Beefy-Crunch-Burrito breath.
  • Niche for Men (2 pack) body wipes. In case you wake up in a dumpster and, you know, smell like a dumpster.
  • Bloody Mary mix. Let the fun begin again!
  • $39.

The Kentucky Straight, a Bourbon Confectionery.

  • Wondermade Bourbon Marshmallows. Laden with real liquor. Just like the chick I saw pass out on the hood of a Subaru in a failed attempt to cross the street last night.
  • Raaka Cask-aged Bourbon Chocolate. OK, so much for Broquet's putting the kibosh on chocolate.
  • Dude, Sweet Bourbon Chocolate Sauce, made with Breckenridge Distillery bourbon. Add to cocktails, ice cream, or chug straight from the bottle. OK, so much for putting the kibosh on added ass poundage.
  • Fat Toad Salted Bourbon Caramel Sauce, infused with Kentucky straight bourbon.
  • Olive & Sinclair Bourbon Nib Brittle.
  • $56.
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Swivel Vision Athletic Training Goggles

$29.99 from Amazon »

I don't know how well Swivel Vision Athletic Training Goggles are at focusing and training athletic vision, but I do know that if the learning curve of wearing them involves getting nailed in the face with a fastball...

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The World's First Smart Rifle

$22,500 - $27,500 from TrackingPoint »

Taking top honors in the category of Yo That's Crazy and Moderately Disturbing but I Guess It Was Gonna Happen Sometime: TrackingPoint's PGF. Precision. Guided. Firearm. It's fighter-jet-style, lock-and-launch technology...

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M4 180lb Tactical Crossbow

Sold Out from Amazon »

Stealth. Stamina. Sniper sight. And that's just the M4 Tactical Crossbow itself. Like, before taking into account the litany of powerful, valiant, not-to-be-F'd-with characteristics Cornelius and I will bring to the table...

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Wasp Gas Injection Knife

$499.95 from Wasp »

And a watermelon takes it in the gut again. Like so many other weapons demos we've seen around here (Gotcha Cap, Throwing Card Knives), the effects of the Wasp air injection knife have been exacted upon a watermelon....

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ACME Crates

$150 - $495 from Acme »

I know ACME Crates look like ammo cans filled with manly items of EDC and EDB (Everyday Battle!) but what they really are is...no, wait. That's exactly what they are. ACME Crates are curated collections of tools you might...

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The TAC-SAC Rail Accessory

$39.99 from Tac Sac »

Last time me and my friend Cornelius played paintball he kept getting nailed and hiding and whining like a little goat until finally everyone was like, Dude, you need to grow a pair! And he was all, Dude! It's not me...

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Crosman Pioneer Airbow

$849 from Crosman »

If you're a big game hunter living in Arizona*, you are Crosman Golden. It's the only state in the US where there's a season for pursuing just about every species of big game on the Crosman docket with the company's forthcoming...

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Falcon Slingbows

$135 - $300.95 from Falcon Slingbows »

Rattlin' Randy Riffenburgh owns the dual titles of Falcon Slingbow Creator and Falcon Slingbow Sniper. He developed the patent-pending, arrow-shooting slingshot for hunting, fishing, and target shooting. And he reigns...

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How to Live with a Huge Penis

$11.66 from Amazon »

Puberty was a really uncomfortable and difficult time for me. To the point that my mama went out and hired a shrink. At the end of the second session though he put his pen down and said, "Son, you really don't need me....

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QALO Wedding Rings for Athletes

$19.99 from Amazon »

QALO, you win. Best line I've read all month: "After getting married we realized what a nuisance wearing our traditional wedding band was." I know, right? Suddenly women at after-work happy hour are turning down your...

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Earwax Candle Kit

$7.89 from Amazon »

Here comes the Earwax Candle Kit just when you thought you couldn't find the perfect gift for your mom. I don't know about yours but I know my mama loves candles, and also hates waste, and based on the number of used...

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Laser Slingshot

$99 from Amazon »

If you're looking for more than a ping! from your slingshot, check out this golden wonder from Assolar*. At a hefty 30+ ounces, this hunting tool comes equipped with a battery-powered laser sight that beams right and...