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Bacon Condoms

By: on March 30, 2013
  • Bacon Condoms
  • Bacon Condoms
$9.99
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Bill Gates, you put out an open call. You asked for the "next generation" in condoms. A design that will revolutionize safe sex practices by making the peen sheaths more desirable to wear. Men and birth control in third world countries are particularly considerations. You will award the ideas deemed most applicable and practical $100,000 in grant money for research and production.

Bacon condoms, Bill. Problem solved.

What man worldwide wouldn't want to wrap his prized meat in his favorite meat? And, suffice it to say, in countries where food is sparse or chowing on pigs is forbidden, no woman is going to turn down the opportunity to cozy up to a hunk of pork candy either. Add scent and flavor to the visual feast with J&D's Bacon Lube and The Gates Foundation will not only have a condom "that significantly preserves or enhances pleasure, in order to improve uptake and regular use," it will find itself with a different kind of population problem: human extinction. No one's ever going to want to have the sex without the bacon. 10 years, I'd say. The amount of time we have before persuading humans to procreate is going to be more difficult than getting panda bears to hump.

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Galactic Cap Just-the-Tip Condom

$5 - $100 from Galactic Cap »

"The Galactic Cap is a condom men will want to wear and their partners will love. A better alternative, it will increase condom use and promote healthier sex." Want to wear? Partners will love? Well. Considering this...

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Bimek SLV - The Sperm Switch (NSFW)

By: Bimek »

Condoms or Dr. Snip. It's slim pickin's for dudes in the contraception department. And condoms are kinda lame due to the whole desensitization thing. And a vasectomy is kinda lame due to the whole sterilization thing....

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i.Con Smart Condom Penis Tracker

British Condoms' i.Con isn't the first sexual fitness tracker to make the rounds in the UK--back in 2014 Bondara teased, but then never released the SexFit. At printing, i.Con was doing the same. Teasing your eager overachiever...

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Shibari Lube Launcher

$6.99 from Amazon »

The Shinbari Lube Launcher. XL. In blue. That's seven-and-a-half inches of long and strong silicone jelly (or even, according to one reviewer, organic coconut oil) reservoir ready to facilitate pleasure and alleviate...

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Bacon Express Crispy Bacon Grill

$29.99 from Amazon »

Whole wheat in the toaster, bacon in the...other toaster, a yank of the iceberg, a slice of the tomato, and mmmm. BLTeee-licious. Without turning on the stove or getting popped in the eye with a grease BB....

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Go F Yourself Condom Card

$9.99 - $12.99 from FunnyCondoms.com »

I can think of many people to whom I'd like to send a Go F Yourself card (complete with packaged condom for carrying out the act!) but one dude stands out like a glowing beacon bobbing amidst the sea of the rest. How...

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Poundtown Condom

In case there was any confusion, Poundtown Condom vendor Say It with a Condom specifies this particular latex shroud is for "anyone who's a Poundtown regular, or is coming for the first time." Haha, get it? There are...

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Tactical Bacon

$29.03 from Amazon »

I don't really like to shoot to kill--less due to the ethics of felling a majestic beast than the fact that blood and rigor mortis make me squeamish--but I think if given the choice between taking down a deer or taking...

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Bacon Flavored Lube

$11.99 from Bacon Salt »

When we, collectively as Americans, stumble onto something that catches on with the unintelligent majority, we immediately begin the process of running it into the ground. See: The Kardashians, Myspace and... bacon flavored...

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I Will Not Be Your Father Condom

Nice. A condom to carry my message to all the unborn children in the world. Attention would-be zygotes! I WILL NOT BE YOUR FATHER!...

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Bacons of the World Sampler

I would call Belcampo's Bacons of the World quarterly sampler pork crack, but in this case, I think it would allude to an entirely different--yet still likely very tasty--part of the pig, rather than the addictive, euphoria-inducing...

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SOS Boxer Briefs with Condom Pocket

Nothing tells your date, I was pretty sure I'd get lucky tonight, like a sexy pair of boxer briefs. With a built-in condom pocket. Hidden with great metaphor behind a lifesaver stitched to the right thigh. Ah, the only...