Don't take your passion for Iron Maiden, U2, the Biebs, reciting Shakespearean monologues, or telling friends and family, "I love you, man" to the grave, let it live for eternity in a cacophony of death! Once again, human ingenuity cock blocks nature, denying its flow of ashes to ashes, and bringing forth instead: ashes to vinyl records. And Vinyly presses cremated human remains into a set of keepsake vinyl records filled with the deceased's choice of anything from defining music to moving oratory.
Presuming the future dead are making their own And Vinyly purchase prior to the Big Day, each record will hold 24 minutes (12 minutes per side) of pre-selected audio. Favorite songs, last wills and testaments, your own burped rendition of "Amazing Grace". Or, to be particularly morbid and eerie, complete silence, less the simple pops and crackles of your ashes. And Vinyly's basic cremation ash vinyl record package [oh, the words this business has afforded me the opportunity to string together] includes a set of up to 30 records, as well as black record labels and covers with "R.I.V." (Rest in Vinyl, yo!) and the deceased's dates of birth and death printed on them in white lettering.
For additional fees, you can crank others' memories of yourself up to 11 with a multitude of extras. For example, another $390 for each 3-minute template lays a background track to vocal recordings for added drama and panache. Choose from ambient, classical, electro, haunting, celebration, reggae, rock, or punk instrumentals. For $6,275 more, James Hague of the National Portrait Gallery will fashion the deceased's mug on canvas out of acrylic and (even more!) cremated ash. Future meeters of death will then receive the original portrait, while And Vinyly later plasters high-quality prints on his or her purchased record covers. And fame seekers, here's your chance to achieve posthumous stardom: a Travel the World bonus will see that your ashes-turned-records are "distributed through reputable vinyl stores worldwide." There is no price quote for that one. Perhaps actual costs are dependent on one's definition of "reputable".
Anyone else have thoughts on this sort of everlasting, $4,700 memento? I mean, I think what And Vinyly is doing is a decent alternative to getting dumped in a box or tossed off the side of a boat, but I have to say, dying is kind of a racket. I thought it was just casket and funeral service prices that cost ungodly gobs of cash, but this new wave of bucket-kicker sendoffs that would seem to be more efficient, environmentally friendly, and, well, cheaper, appear to be in the same game of capitalizing on death and grief as the Big Bad Mortuaries. Cremation Ash Diamonds, Cremation Ash Fireworks Displays, and now Cremation Ash Vinyl Records are kind of making me wonder how, if I can't even afford to replace the bumper I might have ripped off the back of my car during an act of haste, I'm ever going to afford a means of being remembered.
On the bright side...no, actually, that's all I got.