16

Custom Cremation Ash Vinyl Records

By: on July 01, 2012
$4,700
Check It Out

Don't take your passion for Iron Maiden, U2, the Biebs, reciting Shakespearean monologues, or telling friends and family, "I love you, man" to the grave, let it live for eternity in a cacophony of death! Once again, human ingenuity cock blocks nature, denying its flow of ashes to ashes, and bringing forth instead: ashes to vinyl records. And Vinyly presses cremated human remains into a set of keepsake vinyl records filled with the deceased's choice of anything from defining music to moving oratory.

Presuming the future dead are making their own And Vinyly purchase prior to the Big Day, each record will hold 24 minutes (12 minutes per side) of pre-selected audio. Favorite songs, last wills and testaments, your own burped rendition of "Amazing Grace". Or, to be particularly morbid and eerie, complete silence, less the simple pops and crackles of your ashes. And Vinyly's basic cremation ash vinyl record package [oh, the words this business has afforded me the opportunity to string together] includes a set of up to 30 records, as well as black record labels and covers with "R.I.V." (Rest in Vinyl, yo!) and the deceased's dates of birth and death printed on them in white lettering.

For additional fees, you can crank others' memories of yourself up to 11 with a multitude of extras. For example, another $390 for each 3-minute template lays a background track to vocal recordings for added drama and panache. Choose from ambient, classical, electro, haunting, celebration, reggae, rock, or punk instrumentals. For $6,275 more, James Hague of the National Portrait Gallery will fashion the deceased's mug on canvas out of acrylic and (even more!) cremated ash. Future meeters of death will then receive the original portrait, while And Vinyly later plasters high-quality prints on his or her purchased record covers. And fame seekers, here's your chance to achieve posthumous stardom: a Travel the World bonus will see that your ashes-turned-records are "distributed through reputable vinyl stores worldwide." There is no price quote for that one. Perhaps actual costs are dependent on one's definition of "reputable".

Anyone else have thoughts on this sort of everlasting, $4,700 memento? I mean, I think what And Vinyly is doing is a decent alternative to getting dumped in a box or tossed off the side of a boat, but I have to say, dying is kind of a racket. I thought it was just casket and funeral service prices that cost ungodly gobs of cash, but this new wave of bucket-kicker sendoffs that would seem to be more efficient, environmentally friendly, and, well, cheaper, appear to be in the same game of capitalizing on death and grief as the Big Bad Mortuaries. Cremation Ash Diamonds, Cremation Ash Fireworks Displays, and now Cremation Ash Vinyl Records are kind of making me wonder how, if I can't even afford to replace the bumper I might have ripped off the back of my car during an act of haste, I'm ever going to afford a means of being remembered.

On the bright side...no, actually, that's all I got.

Check it out

Personalized Custom Coloring Books

$32.50 - $145.99 from Colored Moments »

If you're crafty, you can probably make a personalized custom coloring book of your wedding, your trip to Italy, or your best Instagrammed food photos all by yourself with a few flicks of some Photoshop filters and some...

Check it out

Nanoform Sapphire Eternal Storage Disk

$284 - $632 from Fahrenheit 2451 »

Sapphire isn't just a name Fahrenheit 2451 gave their Nanoform storage disk because they thought it looked dreamy photographed against that shade of blue background. Rather, the Nanoform disk itself is made from 2 thin...

Buy Now

Fear the Reaper Inflatable Costume

Sold Out from Amazon »

The Ghost of Christmas Future heard you're being a Scrooge about dressing up, so he's coming early this year to spook you into the Halloween spirit. Also, he's tired of getting stuck with crappy homemade iced reindeer...

Check it out

Treeincarnation: From Ashes to Spiritree

$225 from The Spiritree »

Hello, children. In today's lesson we will learn about death and gardening. First, meet Walter. Walter is dead. That's why he fits so easily inside this urn. Now meet the Spiritree. The Spiritree is also an urn, but it...

Check it out

Cremation Ash Diamonds

$3,499 from LifeGem »

From ashes to ashes...to bedazzled ashes. Gone are the days of keeping the deceased in our hearts. In their place? Keeping the deceased around our fingers, atop our wrists, or dangling from our necks. LifeGem diamonds...

Check it out

Floating Record Vertical Turntable

$349 from Gramovox »

Whether you pride yourself on your extensive vinyl collection, have a particularly snazzy record you want to show off, or just think a vertical turntable would look sweet in your media room, Gramovox's Floating Record...

Check it out

Handbook for the Recently Deceased

$29.95 from Etsy »

This Handbook for the Recently Deceased contains 220 blank pages. I don't know if that's better or worse than Adam and Barbara Maitland's gibberish-filled version. Perhaps better, as at least buyers can fill this one...

Buy Now

SanDisk Ultra Fit 128GB USB 3.0 Flash Drive

$48.90 from Amazon »

Big performance in a tiny package. This USB 3.0 flash drive from SanDisk can write up to 10 times faster than USB 2.0 drives. That means transferring things like full-length films is possible in less than 40 seconds...

Buy Now

The Geek Box Wooden Puzzle

Sold Out from Amazon »

Need a gift for a geek? This one has all the necessary elements--eggheady challenge, fidget-friendly finger work, comes in a gift box, hey, it's even called The Geek Box. A set of 6 wooden puzzles that should be a no-brainer...

Buy Now

Duo Deck Vinyl/Cassette Player & MP3 Converter

$72.60 from Amazon »

The Duo Deck is your portable purveyor of the sounds of classic vinyl and the mix tapes filled with love songs you wrote for Samantha Nester in the 9th grade, which she threw back at you through your open Toyota Tercel...

Check it out

The Most Accurate Watch in the World

$199.99 from Watchismo »

While seemingly morbid and in poor taste at first glance, The Accurate--a Mr. Jones Watch--intends to serve as a reminder of our fleeting seconds, minutes, and hours on earth. Its dial and rim are even mirrored so that...

Check it out

Handmade Boomboxes

$99 - $999 from DomeCandy »

What's this? A circa 1968 suitcase and a set of Sony speakers turned into a portable stereo? Aw, Granny, good job! You made a ghetto blaster! And I thought our Merle Haggard Mondays and Tupac Tuesdays couldn't get any...