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Giant Lobster Hand Claws

By: on September 22, 2013
  • Giant Lobster Hand Claws
  • Giant Lobster Hand Claws
  • Giant Lobster Hand Claws
$34.95
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I believe all children with no existing physical or mental impairments who think they're hot little shits should be required to wear these giant lobster claws on their hands for a day to learn how it feels to be different and handicapped and unable to text or post hourly Facebook status updates.

I myself will don the claws to playfully pinch ladies' noses before launching into a swooning rendition of "Under the Sea", which I anticipate will award me license to request phone numbers, and possibly playfully pinch other body parts.

What, Cornelius? No, Sebastian wasn't a Rastafarian crab, he was a Rastafarian lobster. Dude, no he...I'll bet you...alright, get the Blu-Ray.

As Halloween approaches, those who dread devising a costume can relax. You are now just two claws away from reincarnations as lobster mutants. The latex pieces measure 14-1/2" long, and fit most adult hands. Research suggests sporting a pair makes the wearer 50 times more awesome.

WARNING: Beware of intermingling with fat people and butter with giant lobster claws affixed.

Muchas danke to Laughing Squid.

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Sexy TRON Outfit

Discontinued

Wise shoppers know that when buying a gift, you should choose something for the recipient that you would never choose to buy for yourself. In that vein, this smokin' hot, 12-gauge clear plastic TRON corset lined with...

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Fear Mongering: The 10 Scariest Halloween Masks

The fear factor of these scary Halloween masks lies somewhere between disturbing and spine-chilling. Between nightmares for the night and nightmares for the month. Between Ugh, what is that? and CAN. NOT. UN. SEE. I'm...

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Arkham Harley Quinn Costume

Discontinued

Cartoons and reality have met, merged, and are now calling out to your carn(iv)al sensibilities. Sinister, hard-edged, Brooklyn-tongued Harley Quinn makes the likes of animated wet dreams Jessica Rabbit and Holli Wood...

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Wolverine Style Hand Claw Dagger

Sold Out from Amazon »

What the WTF Amazon? You're in the weapons trade now? These costume-y looking hand claws have real blades of razor-sharp, 8.75-inch, 440C stainless steel, which make them exponentially and disturbingly more portentous...

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Muscle Suits

$735 - $3,499 from Flex Design Costumes »

The body builders at Flex Design Costumes might be the only body builders on earth who can guarantee they'll jack up, carve out, and rip your muscles to shreds with absolutely no effort on your part beyond telling them...

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TRON: Legacy Siren Gem Bodysuit

$2k from Dame Fatale »

Sadly, this bodysuit covers more skin than the TRON corset, but since it's made out of stretch fabric instead of 12-gauge plastic, it does allow for increased mobility during re-enactments of the movie's action sequences...

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The Darth Knight

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You love Batman, but you're a loyal Star Wars fanboy. Halloween is coming up and you have a difficult decision to make. Can you betray Darth Vader for your new crush on the Dark Knight? Good news. You won't have to. Mash...

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Animatronic Shark Costume

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Seabob, an animatronic shark costume visual effects designers VFXLAB recently took for a test swim in the San Bernardino Doubletree Hotel pool, is many things. Funny, a good prank, and a way for my friend Cornelius to...

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TigerLady Self-Defense Claw

$29 from TigerLady »

Remember that old Secret deodorant commercial? Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? I'd put TigerLady in that same category. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman...to slash, gouge, and rip apart any...

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Prosthetic Dragon Spikes

$375 from Etsy »

Is there a word for when something is equal parts disturbing and smokin' hot? That's what I'd like to call the image of this lady wearing Dragon Spikes. Their mutant effect is remarkable, somewhere between mythical miracle...

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3D Printed Cat Armor

Now that the dog is Kevlared, spiked, and pokey bristled to the hilt with a CoyoteVest, it's time to turn your attention to armoring the cat. True, you've had the leather Cat Battle Armor option for a couple of years...

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Wild Knight Dog Armor

$367 from Etsy »

Your canine ca-knight in shining armor has arrived! With one caveat: Lebovskiart, the Bulgarian designer of the shining armor, reports that his dog "does not like very much these strange clothes." But for him at least...