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The Kitchen Safe - Time-Lock Vice Guard

By: on June 12, 2013
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David Krippendorf invented the Kitchen Safe first to help himself avert caving to unhealthy snack cravings. Usage of the 3-1/2 quart timed lock box soon evolved into housing TV and video game controllers, cigarettes and liquor, even overused credit cards (<--- that one's not going to help me as my steel trap memory knows the number by heart). For those truly suffering from compromised willpower, the Kitchen Safe David Krippendorf has to offer you might be borderline genius. Give it a year, though, and the name David Krippendorf might also be the newest addition to American expletives.

David Krippendorf, I want my cookies!

I swear to David Krippendorf if I don't get one puff of a cig someone is going to get hurt!

Hey! Stay in your own lane, you David Krippendorf!

Allegedly the first of its kind, the Kitchen Safe locks up food, gadgets, toys, and other vices for a user-set amount of time. To activate, place the bag of Barbara's Peanut Butter Puffins in the safe prior to going out on Saturday night. Close the lid, set the timer for the number of hours you think you'll be intoxicated, and then depress the big "lock 'er up" button. The safe will be impenetrable by anything but a BASH sledgehammer or a crazed pregnant lady until the timer ticks down to 0.

The Kitchen Safe seeks crowd funding on Kickstarter for a full production run of both clear and white versions of the habit-thwarters through July 20, 2013. Container timers allow for settings of 1 minute to 10 days, and function on 2, AA batteries, which have a 6-month usable life under normal use. I guess that means I'll need to replace mine every couple of weeks as my new hobby is about to become locking up my friend Cornelius' contact lenses and car keys and Sure Fuck cologne and last roll of toilet paper.

Muchas danke to The Awesomer.

December 2013 Update: The Kitchen Safe exceeded its crowdfunding goal and is now available for direct purchase--follow the link below.