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Rift Recon Red Team Kit

By: on December 06, 2013
Rift Recon Red Team Kit
$1,199.99
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Rift Recon terms themselves Physical Security Specialists. They explain what that is in about 500 words of fancy and circumlocutory jargon, the essence of which I'm pretty sure means they cater to high-class Shady McShadersons. Then again, I just saw a Pomeranian wearing a sweater and damn sunglasses, so I'm a little shaken up right now, and probably experiencing a lapse in reading comprehension skills. However, if Rift Recon indeed services wealthy Shady Macs, and you yourself are a wealthy Shady Mac, you may be interested in having a look at their Red Team Pro Kit.

In the same clandestine way they speak of themselves, Rift Recon describes the Red Team Pro Kit: "For all things physical assessments, you need this kit." Physical assessments. I'd like to think that means playing doctor. But it really means lock-picking, key cloning, maneuvering around alarms and sensors, and generally getting up to no good. Things I definitely do not condone.

For you.

I myself might try them out for research purposes.

And despite being a butter-fingered clod who perpetually screws things up, Rift Recon says I can try the Red Team Kit out because it has something for every level of spy and sneak, from beginner to seasoned professional. It also contains tools they say are not typically available to civilian customers, and all kits come with an illustrated dossier detailing the characteristics, uses, and how-tos for every tool contained within. Some examples of these implements include:

FOR BYPASSING

  • A complete set of tools to loid open latches
  • Under-the-door lever tool
  • Handcuff shim
  • "Knife" tools for padlocks and wafer locks
  • Air wedge
  • Push-to-exit bar tool

FOR MANIPULATING

  • Lockpick set
  • The famous Bogota rakes
  • Covert 2-piece rake set
  • Bump key set
  • Bump Hammer
  • Locksmith shims
  • 7&8 Pin Tubular Pick
  • Plug Spinner

FOR ADAPTING

  • Tactical bag with a pocket for every tool
  • Wire
  • Multitool
  • A variety of tapes for all of your sticky needs
  • Dental Floss
  • Shrum tool
  • Lubricant
  • Paracord

FOR CLONING

  • Everything needed to clone a key on-the-spot
  • Elevator/Fire key set
  • Handcuff key
  • A variety of badge covers and types of lanyards w/ RFID badge

FOR EVADING

  • File folder
  • Hand warmers
  • A variety of unique magnets
  • Copper wire

FOR RECON

  • Pencil/Pen
  • Waterproof notebook
  • Passive LAN tap
  • Lighted USB endoscope
  • Clipboard with storage
  • Headlamp with white and red LEDs
  • Textured, powder-free latex gloves

Wow. That's a ton of heady stuff. Breaking & entering seems like kind of a lot of work. And although the thought of Halle Berry and I both having complete sets of keys and full access to her Beverly Hills home sounds nice, I think the only items in Rift Recon's Red Team Kit I'd feel comfortable handling are the dental floss and the latex gloves. And only the gloves if they don't have that powdery crap inside them. That stuff gives me the willies.

Furthermore, I went to do some Christmas list making yesterday and ran into the mall Santa on his smoke break, so I took the opportunity to tell him about all the things I want this year. He suggested I consider about the proverb, "'Tis better to give than to receive." And while I thought that was a little out of line, and reported him to his supervisor for saying it, I do acknowledge Mall Santa's point. In this case, it means no matter how stealthy and swell picking someone's locks, disarming their alarm system, and chilling on their TempurPedic behind their back would be, it is not very giving or in accordance with the spirit of Christmas.

So instead of getting a Red Team Kit and learning to be a master spy, I think I'm going to finish that basket and pulley system I started making out of pantyhose for my mama so she can deliver my food from the kitchen to my bedroom without having to go up and down the stairs so many times a day.