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Electric Head Massager

By: on November 15, 2017
$165
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I want to know, you want to know, so we may as well just ask: does the electric head massager give good head? And if so, how good? What kind of good? Does it just find its grip and squeeze, or is there some steady, calculated movement thrown in there too?

Well, according to its pimp seller, the "massage hamlet" aims to replicate real human hands with a combination of air at pressure points, controlled vibration, and a side of heat. The head massager has 4 different programs for relaxation and pain relief: deep massage; vibration; heat only; and music. Use one at a time, or any mashup of all 4.

The helmet has an adjustable diameter for various head sizes, and includes a remote control for cycling through massage functions.

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Baby Head Masks

$450 - $500 from Hyperflesh »

People who think babies are angelic and precious, I see your Gerber models, and raise you these three baby head masks. No, make that these three enormous, bulbous, horrifying, spawn-of-Chucky baby head masks. Landon Meier...

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MYO Telekinetic Armband

$199.99 from Amazon »

Well, telekinetic is only part of the story. Is telemusculokinetic a word too? Maybe that's redundant. Remote control muscles? Yeah, let's go with RC muscles. MYO armbands transform muscles--specifically the arm, or as...

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Zerobody Anti-Gravity Bed

The Zerobody is a sensory deprivation float tank that removes the one major P in the A side effect of floating: getting wet. (True, drowning is kind of a pain too, but most of these tanks have only about a foot of water...

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Muzo - Personal Zone Creator & Noise Blocker

$159 from indiegogo »

Muzo uses anti-vibration technology to turn the world off. (Makes sense, given the number of other devices that use pro-vibration technology to turn the world on--VibeRider, anyone?) At approximately the size and shape...

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The Bird's Nest Bed

The Bird's Nest Bed can accommodate up to 16 people at once. Take note swingers, Mormons, women undergoing IVF treatments, and the Duggar family! The giant basin of comfort was brainstormed and brought to life by O*GE...

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Neck Carriage Titanium Palm Cap Stick

$35.95 from Amazon »

Ti Rod Tactical's Titanium Palm Cap Stick might be the most strangely versatile piece of EDC you can hang around your neck. The 5" long x 0.44" in diameter piece is made of an aerospace grade 5 titanium rod, surrounded...

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Waves MFS Physio-Tactical Pocket Stick

Sold Out from Amazon »

Designer Rainer Wenning calls his Waves MFS a "physio-tactical" palm stick, which might be the best bit of pretentious, made-up terminology I've ever heard. Because what "physio-tactical" basically means is that after...

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The Softub

$3,595 - $5,195 from Softub »

Indoors, outdoors, on a dock in the middle of the river with a thatch roof on top. The Softub is the kind of hot tub that goes where and does what you tell it to. Without lip and without draining your wallet....

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Muscle-Enhancing Shirt

$48.50 from FunkyBod »

Money can squeeze the fat in, and now money can carve the muscle out. Which means there are exactly 0 reasons left for me to exercise. What? Avoiding heart disease and diabetes? Psshhh! Preventable, life-threatening afflictions...

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Elysium Weightless Chair

The Elysium Chair is the result of an equation defining posture and gravitational force. I think that's the math geek way of saying it's reeeeeeeal comfortable. So comfortable, it will simulate weightlessness when you...

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Fat Gripz Arm Builders

$38.50 from Amazon »

Obviously the best thing to do if you want to be as strong and jacked as humanly possible is take a lot of steroids. But since steroids are expensive and mostly illegal and might make you talk like Mickey Mouse, an alternative...

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20-Pound Chocolate Lionel Richie Head

$833.19 from Firebox.com »

I didn't think there could be anything better than having a hot chick sculpt an enormous model of my head out of clay, but...Hello! Chocolate beats mud any day. Lionel Richie. You lucky bastard....