Novelty

Breast Milk Lollipops

$10 from Lollyphile »

Oh, would that they were made of real breast milk...that would be F'ing sick. But in the grand spirit of edible items simply modeled after choice body parts*, the Lollyphile's Breast Milk Lollipops don't contain actual...

Edible Anus Chocolates

$34.50 from Edible Anus »

Several years ago, Willy Wonka sat down with the UK's most distinguished chocolatiers to lay down the next big release in artisan chocolate. He tried many of their stunning and revolutionary manipulations of the finest...

Caffeinated Baking Sugar

$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

Here is what's going to happen when I give Cornelius pot brownies made with Jacked Up caffeinated baking sugar: first he will say he doesn't feel anything. This will continue for 11 to 17 minutes. Then he will jump out...

23K Gold Chocolate Bacon

$39.99 from Baconery »

And you thought there was only one way to eat, and then shit, gold. The Baconery's slightly more affordable, 23-karat version of the edible precious metal might even trump Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K.'s pills, as it adds...

MacAweenie & Cheese

$7.99 from Amazon »

Penis pasta, penis pasta, penis pasta! Cornelius just made me say it 3 times fast. I found that it wasn't very difficult, but he found it very funny because everyone in the Apple store looked at me like I'm the type of...

Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce

$9.22 from Amazon »

Not only is this item called Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce, but it's sold by a vendor named Professor Phardtpounders. How tacky and immature. I want some. Specifically, I want a concoction of Scotch bonnet peppers, mustard...

Freeze Dried Meat

$38.19 - $288.99 from Amazon »

Japanese earwax magnifiers, freeze dried meat, Today's Special is: weirdness. Now someone take that mannequin's hat off so he'll stop yammering about sharing and being nice to people. Honeyville Rancher's Cut carnivorous...

Cow Wow Cereal Milk

Sold Out from Amazon »

I never cared much for the milk left at the bottom of the cereal bowl. But I spooned it up anyway because my grandma told me that if I didn't I would get osteoporosis. (I am very happy to report that after years of taking...

Dark Chocolate Sriracha Bunny

Sold Out from Amazon »

At first I thought the Dark Chocolate Sriracha Easter Bunny was just the latest addition to our rooster sauce pop culture craze, but further rumination made me realize its true application is as a training tool for children....

SEXCEREAL

$19.57 - $107.85 from Sexcereal »

SEXCEREAL is the most ingenius display of product spinning and effective branding I've seen since I was 18 months old and my mama transformed spoonfuls of pureed peas into airplanes. Actually, it's even better because...

Minecraft Marshmallow Creeps

$4.99 from ThinkGeek »

The little bit of good news I have for you today is that we are only 16 days away from spring and 27 days away from Easter*, which means Peep eating season is upon us! Even better tidings for Minecraft die-hards: Marshmallow...

Tactical Bacon

$22.06 from Amazon »

I don't really like to shoot to kill--less due to the ethics of felling a majestic beast than the fact that blood and rigor mortis make me squeamish--but I think if given the choice between taking down a deer or taking...

Death Star Lollipops

Sold Out from Etsy »

Death Star Lollipops. An excellent concept. And might I suggest throwing some Pop Rocks in there too during a suck session so they actually explode in your mouth....

Velopresso - Espresso Cart Trike

Put the pedal to the...grinder. The Velopresso, an espresso cart-bicycle (well, tricycle, really) hybrid, takes the concept of generating power through manual labor and removes the practical joke punchline typically associated...

Sh*t Gold Pills

$425 from CITIZEN:Citizen »

It may still stink, but ingest a couple of these 24K capsules, and your shit will look as handsome as a pile of gold. Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K. (Ju$t Another Rich Kid) created the Gold Pills as part of their INDULGENCE...

Instant Regret Hot Chili Peanut Butter

$11.29 from Firebox.com »

Hot to the power of hot meets one of the most devastating allergens on the planet. If Instant Regret Peanut Butter doesn't drive you into an immediate convulsive fit, followed by a semi-conscious state of catatonia, Firebox...

Pickle & Bacon Candy Canes

$6.95 - $11.94 from Amazon »

Pickle and bacon candy canes. A good start, indeed, but now we need flavors hamburger, ketchup, and cheddar. And maybe bun, though if the former requests were met, I would be willing to break my Christmas sticks into...

Fifty Shades of Bacon Cookbook

$11.68 from Amazon »

The definitive building block of food porn now has its own erotic cookbook. Fifty Shades of Bacon, about damn time. Right, ladies? 'Cause I know once you satiate your carnally voyeuristic instincts reading Fifty Shades...

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Star Wars Chocolates

$15 from Etsy »

Mmm, handmade Star Wars chocolates. The best thing to come out of the Galactic Republic since the Intergalactic Identity Management Agency cleared Planet Earth for passports. Nikki Belleperche's Force-injecting variety...

Liquor-Laden Marshmallows

$7.50 from Wondermade »

The marshmallows are termed "Wondermade" because they're purportedly derived from "100% sweet, magic air." Very nice. However, as much as I like things that are sweet and magic, if I am to dole out $7.50 for them, they...

26-Pound Gummy Python

$149.99 from Vat 19 »

Oh look, a snake that can kill you without biting, constricting, or even being alive. At 84" long, 26.9 pounds, and a staggering 36,720 calories, the Gummy Python will inflict anything from hyperglycemia to ruptured intestines...

DIY Sriracha

Nothing like a little homemade flames-of-hell-spouting rooster sauce to take the edge off Thanksgiving with the fam. Granted, buying a bottle of Sriracha will only run you around $5, and cooking it up yourself will probably...

Ice Straws

$9.63 from Amazon »

Ice straws are what I will give children to drink hot chocolate with so I don't have to hear them whine and cry about how it's too hot and they burnt their tongue and waaa, waaa, waaa, I want a hug. I often want a hug...

Ketchup Salt

Sold Out from Amazon »

Obviously, I like putting ketchup on burgers and fries. I also kind of like putting ketchup on eggs. And potato chips. Probably I would enjoy it on a Caesar salad as well if it weren't so runny. Oh, why hello Ketchup...

Worm Tequila Salt

$14.59 from Firebox.com »

This salt is not suitable for vegetarians. Because it contains worrrrrmsss. Real (used to be) live worms. Sal de Gusano, or Worm Salt sees your claims of authenticity in margarita and tequila shooting endeavors, and raises...

Edible Cocktail Cups

$150 from Loliware »

Pop Quiz, hot shot: What makes the nearly flawless Manhattan even better? A: An edible cup made of bitters. And drinking it without letting the bus drop below 50 mph, of course. Loliware's edible cocktail glasses up the...

Solar System Suckers

$17.50 from Etsy »

The scientific community may have dogged Pluto, but these Solar System Suckers are paying the little outcast the homage he deserves. My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas, plus the Sun, all hold a place in...

LED Lightsaber Ice Pop Maker

$34.99 from ThinkGeek »

I don't like the accusatory look on Princess Leia's face as she stands there, one hand on her hip, thrusting a Darth Vader LED-lit Lightsaber ice pop towards me and seemingly saying, "I thought it would be bigger." But...

Habanero Honey Badger BBQ Sauce

Discontinued

This ain't no Pooh Bear honey. Fortified with freshly chopped habanero peppers, the meaty smoke of a hot grill, and a subtle dose of bee nectar, Honey Badger BBQ Sauce will grab you by the nuts, make you lick the sun...

The World's Strongest Coffee

$19.99 from Amazon »

Great. Something to make the guy in the cube next to me even more hyperactive and annoying. I wonder how fast he'll be able to recite all the state capitols after chugging 32 ounces of the world's strongest coffee. Death...

Tower of Sour Candy Urine Samples

We're ampin' up for the Summer 2012 Olympics. Which means the Olympic athletes are ampin' up for their drug tests. So in the spirit of US dominance, and the hope that none of our dominating athletes get busted for doping...

Skillet Bacon Jam

$9.99 from Amazon »

Know what sucks about a bacon cheeseburger? OK, besides nothing. What sucks is when you sink your teeth into its crispy-juicy tag team of flesh, and the bacon doesn't break cleanly. When an entire, mayonnaise-laden strip...

Homemade Chewing Gum Kit

$12.19 from Amazon »

When I was little, my dad forbade me from chewing watermelon Bubblicious because he said it smelled like vomit. At the time, I was devastated. Watermelon was my favorite flavor of gum, and I had finally achieved the milestone...

Sriracha Lollipops

$10 from Lollyphile »

Yes, it's the rooster sauce hardened, domed out, and mounted on a stick. Sriracha Lollipops: where cocks become balls. Online 'pop shop Lollyphile has turned everyone's favorite liquid fire into a lickable creation that...

blk. - Black Bottled Water

$47.76 from Amazon »

We wondered too, but the answer is no. blk. black bottled water is not part of an SNL skit la black caulk or Colon Blow. It's a real artesian spring water from aquifers in Canada's Sandiland Forest Reserve. And it takes...

Odafree - Fecal & Gas Odor Pills

$15 from Odafree »

Odafree is an over-the-counter supplement ingested to combat odors associated with the excretion of feces and flatulence. Without the euphemisms? It's a daily pill that claims to remove the stench of hot death from shit...

Chocolate Covered Jalapenos

Chocolate Covered Jalapenos: for that delectable combination of sweet, and hotter than balls. Fresh, straight-up jalapenos, or a rainbow assortment of sweet peppers, are dipped in taste buds' choice of dark chocolate...

Human Skull Chocolates

Suck it, chocolate bunnies! This Easter all the cool kiddies want chocolate craniums cast from real human skulls! OK, so how many comments of outrage am I going to get when I point out that partaking in a piece of dark...

Edible Chocolate Scrabble Letters

Sold Out from Etsy »

Now when, at the height of an intense Scrabble match, you get stuck with both of the GD Zs, instead of driving yourself insane trying to remember if "ze" and "oz" are approved words, you can simply eat the offending letters...

Sugar Cube Skulls

$16 from Etsy »

Behold The Biggest Loser's latest ploy to equate sugar with poison. Big fat fatties of the world, you must face your saccharine skeletons in the closet, your demonic empty calories, and defy them in favor of healthier...

Bacon Frosting

$6.49 from Amazon »

It's been two weeks since we last spotlighted a historically unlikely, but--given the current state of global madness--now entirely predictable food staple flavored with bacon. Bust out the red velvet sponge and cream...

Zombie Wedding Cake Topper

$75 from Etsy »

Every groom-to-be gets cold feet at some point, and this zombie wedding cake topper brilliantly summarizes both the worst and best case scenarios that could play out when that happens. Worst Case Scenario: Your feet are...

Bacon Soda

Sold Out from Amazon »

At this point, the bacon craze has reached a state of lunacy that renders bacon soda somewhat expected. Pedestrian, even. Still, there are smoky, greasy meat flavors, and then there are CARBONATED smoky, greasy meat flavors....

Alcohol-Infused Whipped Cream

In the true spirit of the holiday season, here comes a little gift that will make you even more fat and drunk. Whipped Lightning turbocharges ordinary canned whipped cream with 36.5 proof grain alcohol and 12 mostly-tasty-sounding...

Han Solo Carbonite Chocolate Bar

$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

What took them so long? Although I'd prefer an Augustus Gloop drowning in chocolate bar, Han Solo's plight lends itself nicely to aiding in the fattening of America as well. Jabba The Hutt, although posing no long term...

Edible Spray Paint

Edible spray paint. The answer to the prayers of all those hoodlums and gang members with dreams of pastry chef stardom. And check out the demo photos. This year, Martha Stewart, your mother-in-law, and their brined...

Bad Jew BBQ Sauce

$5.98 from Bad Jew BBQ »

If there's one thing that Jews know, it's not barbecue sauce. Nonetheless, we've been given their best effort. Hey, at least it's kosher right? No word on whether or not the sauce bottle "tips" well for easy pouring....

Delicious Bacon Candy

$7.75 from Amazon »

Nothing burps like bacon... candy. I think this might not be as good for popping into your mouth one after another as sneak attacking an unsuspecting friend by giving him piece casually and seeing what genuine surprise...