A Geek's Gift Guide of Gadgets, Gear and Novelties    * Updated daily

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Saturday, April 19, 2014

F-Cup Cookies sound like they would be a joke, and they probably are, but for all women with concave chesticular regions and, more importantly, for all the men who have to fondle them, I sure as 2 seconds of motorboating Kelly...

Tuesday, June 4, 2013
$34.50 from Edible Anus »

Several years ago, Willy Wonka sat down with the UK's most distinguished chocolatiers to lay down the next big release in artisan chocolate. He tried many of their stunning and revolutionary manipulations of the finest Belgian...

Thursday, January 10, 2013
$425 from CITIZEN:Citizen »

It may still stink, but ingest a couple of these 24K capsules, and your shit will look as handsome as a pile of gold. Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K. (Ju$t Another Rich Kid) created the Gold Pills as part of their INDULGENCE line, and as a bit of swallowable commentary on society's obsession with wealth and consumption. Just down one of the gold leaf-filled tubes (preferably with a shot of espresso and...

Friday, May 16, 2014
$25.19 from Firebox.com »

I smell sex and...candy here. It's our favorite form of ancient raunch cacao-ified into a box of Kama Sutra chocolates. Now everyone can give 8 slabs of tasty sex positions to their favorite horndog, or the pillar of reserve...

Sunday, March 17, 2013
$19.57 - $107.85 from Sexcereal »

SEXCEREAL is the most ingenius display of product spinning and effective branding I've seen since I was 18 months old and my mama transformed spoonfuls of pureed peas into airplanes. Actually, it's even better because it also...

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Two guesses as to which United State Mirth Provisions' cold-pressed coffee infused with locally-grown cannabis extract comes from. Hint: it's not Colorado....

Tuesday, July 15, 2014
$51.95 from Firebox.com »

To this day I shudder every time I hear "American Girl" because it reminds me of being creeped the F out by Silence of the Lambs in my most formative years. Hannibal Lecter wasn't even so bad. It was that Buffalo Bill dude...

Saturday, September 27, 2014
$14 from MixedMade »

I'm not sure I can wrap my head around the implications--the glorious, glorious implications--of what essentially amounts to the honey bear being left alone with the Sriracha rooster in a kitchen cabinet for too long. Bees...

Saturday, May 24, 2014
$1,499.99 from Costco »

And I thought a Costco-sized can of baked beans was big. The stock-up store's contributions to hunger management have always been supersized, so it should come as no surprise that their idea of an emergency preparedness food...

Sunday, June 1, 2014
$11.79 from Energy Shisha »

While drinking coffee in public isn't forbidden...yet...with the recent boom in vaporizer popularity, it's not surprising that caffeine has hopped inside the barrel too. Energy Shisha is an electronic vapor pen that outputs...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012
$149.99 from Vat 19 »

Oh look, a snake that can kill you without biting, constricting, or even being alive. At 84" long, 26.9 pounds, and a staggering 36,720 calories, the Gummy Python will inflict anything from hyperglycemia to ruptured intestines...

Saturday, March 17, 2012
$40 from Amazon »

We wondered too, but the answer is no. blk. black bottled water is not part of an SNL skit la black caulk or Colon Blow. It's a real artesian spring water from aquifers in Canada's Sandiland Forest Reserve. And it takes...

Friday, July 27, 2012
$19.99 from Amazon »

Great. Something to make the guy in the cube next to me even more hyperactive and annoying. I wonder how fast he'll be able to recite all the state capitols after chugging 32 ounces of the world's strongest coffee. Death Wish...

Thursday, December 5, 2013

I would call Belcampo's Bacons of the World quarterly sampler pork crack, but in this case, I think it would allude to an entirely different--yet still likely very tasty--part of the pig, rather than the addictive, euphoria-inducing...

Monday, February 25, 2013
$26.23 from Amazon »

I don't really like to shoot to kill--less due to the ethics of felling a majestic beast than the fact that blood and rigor mortis make me squeamish--but I think if given the choice between taking down a deer or taking down...

Friday, November 4, 2011
$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

What took them so long? Although I'd prefer an Augustus Gloop drowning in chocolate bar, Han Solo's plight lends itself nicely to aiding in the fattening of America as well. Jabba The Hutt, although posing no long term threat...

Tuesday, December 24, 2013
$12 - $144 from Skoshbox »

Listen up, 11th hour shoppers, plus anyone else who loves candy, surprises, and/or the delicacies of Japan (the edible, not the human ones): Skoshbox, a deliverer of monthly, fresh-off-the-boat candies and snacks from the...

Sunday, July 20, 2014
$14.95 from Amazon »

Another concoction from Drinkwel, makers of the multi-vitamin for drinkers, LyteShow seeks to expand its audience with this highly concentrated, rapid rehydration electrolyte formula. Don't worry, that doesn't mean hardcore...

Friday, February 21, 2014
$13.95 from Amazon »

Canned Dragon Meat. It's like Canned Unicorn Meat, but from a slain dragon instead of a slain unicorn. It probably tastes a lot tougher, maybe a little charred, but since slaying a dragon is considered heroic and grounds for...

Saturday, August 31, 2013
$32.22 from Firehouse Pantry »

Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if one day I don't want the Kraft Mac & Cheese my mama or Bob Evans serves me. Like, what if I want Kraft mini wieners* & cheese or Kraft Jet-Puffed Jumbo Mallows & cheese? Or, screw all this...

Monday, September 16, 2013
$16.42 from Amazon »

Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants and...

Friday, January 13, 2012
$75 from Etsy »

Every groom-to-be gets cold feet at some point, and this zombie wedding cake topper brilliantly summarizes both the worst and best case scenarios that could play out when that happens. Worst Case Scenario: Your feet are so...

Thursday, August 8, 2013
$65 - $680 from Soylent »

Nary a week goes by that I don't hear about how my friend DeAndre just wishes they made a dog food for humans. Something containing all necessary nutrients, adequate calories, and appropriate protein:carb:fat ratios that requires...

Sunday, May 25, 2014
$16.81 from Firebox.com »

Mmmm, nothing cures a hangover like more carbs and alcohol. Though Birra Spalmabile, or Spreadable Beer, contains no actual alcohol, it does contain 40% beer--Atla Quota Greta, to be precise. Sounds Italian. And while the...

Monday, March 4, 2013
$4.99 from ThinkGeek »

The little bit of good news I have for you today is that we are only 16 days away from spring and 27 days away from Easter*, which means Peep eating season is upon us! Even better tidings for Minecraft die-hards: Marshmallow...

Sunday, September 29, 2013
$14.08 from Amazon »

In this case, I think that inserting an eyedropper as a serving utensil for One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce isn't more than just a kitschy packaging ploy. Reviews of the habanero- and scotch bonnet-infused mouth incinerator...

Thursday, January 30, 2014
$10.99 from Amazon »

My ad campaign for this product would be Paleo Wraps: they definitely taste way better than paper. To say the coconut carb substitutes are delicious, or even good, is tough though. They're not bad. And they're not tasteless....

Monday, February 17, 2014

Under normal circumstances, my tongue wouldn't be the first place I'd pick to be spanked. But seeing as Tonguespank Spices are coating their lashings in flavors like Garlic Grappa and Scorpion Bourbon, I guess I'd be OK with...

Saturday, May 3, 2014
$23.97 from Amazon »

Boy do I love cheese. Even though sometimes it gives me gas so sulfurically heinous my mama asks if I'm running a pulp mill in my ass. I just feel like if the choice is pizza & pain or no pizza & a life of sadness, the gagging...

Sunday, March 16, 2014
$30 from Sosu Sauces »

I told them this is what would happen if they let the roosters near the tomatoes. The cocks just can't keep it to themselves. And now we have this bastard child. This atrocious, humiliating...awesome-sounding, mouthwatering...

Sunday, July 7, 2013
$11.99 - $19.99 from Ember »

Not that we should be rewarded for irresponsibly drinking to excess such that we need preventative steps to hangovers, but...Ember kind of rewards us for irresponsibly drinking to excess by way of serving as a preventative...

Tuesday, December 17, 2013
$7.61 from Amazon »

I hear Pasta Boobs pair best with cream-based sauces. I hear Pasta Boobs should be cooked al dente if you want them to stay firm. I hear if you serve Pasta Boobs to kids under 3, they'll only gnaw on the tips. I hear...eh...

Monday, December 3, 2012
$11.68 from Amazon »

The definitive building block of food porn now has its own erotic cookbook. Fifty Shades of Bacon, about damn time. Right, ladies? 'Cause I know once you satiate your carnally voyeuristic instincts reading Fifty Shades of...

Thursday, November 7, 2013
$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

Is it too early to be talking about candy canes? Most likely. But I join the Targets and Macy's (Macy'ses?) of the world in shoving Christmas down your throat immediately after Halloween only because I care about you. I care...

Saturday, May 25, 2013
$39.99 from Baconery »

And you thought there was only one way to eat, and then shit, gold. The Baconery's slightly more affordable, 23-karat version of the edible precious metal might even trump Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K.'s pills, as it adds two additional...

Tuesday, April 8, 2014
$9.99 from ThinkGeek »

The Chocolate Zombie Bunny is what happens when you make an April Fool's Joke that sends all the little zombies into a frenzy of Easter basket demands, and then off on a killing spree when they discover the punchline. That...

Thursday, February 20, 2014
Sold Out from Amazon »

Jade Monk's demonic-looking Japanese spirit animals would like to offer you a "tremendously refreshing" pouch of powder containing 7 cups of green tea nutrients and enough caffeine to turbocharge your mind and body for up...

Saturday, June 8, 2013
$17.80 from Amazon »

Gators and ostrich and bears, oh my...dayum! Giving bacon gift boxes and Broquets a possible run for their money this Father's Day: Buffalo Bob's Wild Game Jerky. The sampler pack....

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Wedding cakes have been topped with zombies. Video game junkies. Your own face. But have you ever seen one topped with an infinite web of sugar spun in 3 out of 3 dimensions? The Sugar Lab will custom make 3D printed sugar...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012
$15.81 from Amazon »

Know what sucks about a bacon cheeseburger? OK, besides nothing. What sucks is when you sink your teeth into its crispy-juicy tag team of flesh, and the bacon doesn't break cleanly. When an entire, mayonnaise-laden strip slides...

Friday, August 26, 2011

Mmmm... Delicious banana flavored scorpion vodka. I've been dying for some of this stuff. Equally as refreshing after a long run as when you wake up in a shallow dirt grave across the Mexican border. Nothing takes the sting...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012
$4.95 from Amazon »

At this point, the bacon craze has reached a state of lunacy that renders bacon soda somewhat expected. Pedestrian, even. Still, there are smoky, greasy meat flavors, and then there are CARBONATED smoky, greasy meat flavors....

Saturday, March 23, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

At first I thought the Dark Chocolate Sriracha Easter Bunny was just the latest addition to our rooster sauce pop culture craze, but further rumination made me realize its true application is as a training tool for children....

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Suck it, chocolate bunnies! This Easter all the cool kiddies want chocolate craniums cast from real human skulls! OK, so how many comments of outrage am I going to get when I point out that partaking in a piece of dark chocolate...

Friday, August 2, 2013
$44.95 from Amazon »

Why do we have so many shit-themed items around here? Steaming turd cakes to send anonymously to exes. Pills that turn your defecation adventures golden. Rich, delectable chocolates lovingly molded into the shape of assholes....

Sunday, November 4, 2012
$8.99 from Amazon »

Ice straws are what I will give children to drink hot chocolate with so I don't have to hear them whine and cry about how it's too hot and they burnt their tongue and waaa, waaa, waaa, I want a hug. I often want a hug too...

Thursday, May 23, 2013
$7.39 from Amazon »

Penis pasta, penis pasta, penis pasta! Cornelius just made me say it 3 times fast. I found that it wasn't very difficult, but he found it very funny because everyone in the Apple store looked at me like I'm the type of person...

Thursday, November 29, 2012
$13 from Etsy »

Mmm, handmade Star Wars chocolates. The best thing to come out of the Galactic Republic since the Intergalactic Identity Management Agency cleared Planet Earth for passports. Nikki Belleperche's Force-injecting variety pack...

Thursday, August 2, 2012
$18.99 - $36 from Amazon »

This ain't no Pooh Bear honey. Fortified with freshly chopped habanero peppers, the meaty smoke of a hot grill, and a subtle dose of bee nectar, Honey Badger BBQ Sauce will grab you by the nuts, make you lick the sun, and...

Thursday, April 25, 2013
$12.82 from Amazon »

Not only is this item called Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce, but it's sold by a vendor named Professor Phardtpounders. How tacky and immature. I want some. Specifically, I want a concoction of Scotch bonnet peppers, mustard, modified...

Thursday, June 6, 2013
$10 from Lollyphile »

Oh, would that they were made of real breast milk...that would be F'ing sick. But in the grand spirit of edible items simply modeled after choice body parts*, the Lollyphile's Breast Milk Lollipops don't contain actual breast...

Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

Well here's one way to appease vegetarians, gluten intolerants, lousy cooks, people with a dish washing aversion, and Orville Redenbacher this Thanksgiving. King of POP has condensed an entire Turkey Day feast into 9 tubs...

Thursday, July 18, 2013
$25.95 from Amazon »

You already stand at the kitchen counter eating spoonfuls of peanut butter straight out of the jar anyway, so why not make the guilty pleasure even more enjoyable with PB Crave's addition of the ingredients you might pile...

Sunday, March 11, 2012
$15 from Odafree »

Odafree is an over-the-counter supplement ingested to combat odors associated with the excretion of feces and flatulence. Without the euphemisms? It's a daily pill that claims to remove the stench of hot death from shit and...

Tuesday, October 8, 2013
$8.99 - $36 from Get Up and Go »

Get Up and Go baked goods advertise their delivery of caffeine without the coffee. Having consumed several...in the past 11 minutes...I would advertise that, even better, they jack up my motivation and focus without the puckered...

Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

Suzanne says her Ghost Jelly is perfect for your favorite hotty. I think it's perfect for my friend Cornelius' toast, which I will butter and jelly up for him out of kindness, and inform him is smeared with orange marmalade...

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Edible spray paint. The answer to the prayers of all those hoodlums and gang members with dreams of pastry chef stardom. And check out the demo photos. This year, Martha Stewart, your mother-in-law, and their brined, deep-fried...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Nothing like a little homemade flames-of-hell-spouting rooster sauce to take the edge off Thanksgiving with the fam. Granted, buying a bottle of Sriracha will only run you around $5, and cooking it up yourself will probably...

Monday, July 8, 2013
$9.25 from Amazon »

Carbonated sugar. Also known as Popping Sugar. Also known as the shit they use to make Pop Rocks! F stingy, tablespoonful servings for 99 cents, how's about a whole vat of candied mouth explosions? And a mere packet of Pop...

Friday, April 12, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

I never cared much for the milk left at the bottom of the cereal bowl. But I spooned it up anyway because my grandma told me that if I didn't I would get osteoporosis. (I am very happy to report that after years of taking...

Wednesday, April 25, 2012
$10 from Lollyphile »

Yes, it's the rooster sauce hardened, domed out, and mounted on a stick. Sriracha Lollipops: where cocks become balls. Online 'pop shop Lollyphile has turned everyone's favorite liquid fire into a lickable creation that will...

Monday, October 8, 2012
$7.24 from Amazon »

Obviously, I like putting ketchup on burgers and fries. I also kind of like putting ketchup on eggs. And potato chips. Probably I would enjoy it on a Caesar salad as well if it weren't so runny. Oh, why hello Ketchup Salt...

Monday, February 18, 2013
Sold Out from Etsy »

Death Star Lollipops. An excellent concept. And might I suggest throwing some Pop Rocks in there too during a suck session so they actually explode in your mouth....

Sunday, November 25, 2012
$7.50 from Wondermade »

The marshmallows are termed "Wondermade" because they're purportedly derived from "100% sweet, magic air." Very nice. However, as much as I like things that are sweet and magic, if I am to dole out $7.50 for them, they better...

Thursday, September 8, 2011
$12.50 from Blast Caffeine »

This stuff is scary. It takes 125 energy drinks to match the caffeine in 1 Blast caffeine. So, if you're finally ready to get off the couch and go outside, this stuff might help. Or, it might kill you. Either way, it's gonna...

Monday, April 22, 2013
$38.19 - $288.99 from Amazon »

Japanese earwax magnifiers, freeze dried meat, Today's Special is: weirdness. Now someone take that mannequin's hat off so he'll stop yammering about sharing and being nice to people. Honeyville Rancher's Cut carnivorous delicacies...

Monday, August 29, 2011
$14.95 from Amazon »

The future is here. These amazing miracle berries are eaten before meals to make the meals taste better. "How?" you ask. By making sour and bitter foods taste sweet. I have tried these and they do work. Don't believe me? Take...

Saturday, June 1, 2013
$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

Here is what's going to happen when I give Cornelius pot brownies made with Jacked Up caffeinated baking sugar: first he will say he doesn't feel anything. This will continue for 11 to 17 minutes. Then he will jump out of...