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Fuego Box Craft Hot Sauce Club

Light up some taste buds right alongside the Christmas tree or Menorah with a Fuego Box craft hot sauce club subscription for your favorite spice fiend. Dad or Gramps can't take the heat? No problem. Fuego has a Mellow...

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Ranch Dressing Fountain

$110 from Flavour Gallery »

Hidden Valley began pouring on the Ranch dressing in fountain form last March, but I think it's much better suited for Thanksgiving, and the holiday season as a whole. What better gift for your party guests than an 18"...

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Pumpkin Spice Spray-On Spice

$9.99 from Amazon »

I've been waiting to show you this can of Pumpkin Spice Spray-On Spice. Waiting for the season of PSL, and Pumpkin Spice everything else, to arrive. My coffee run this morning confirmed it has. Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Pumpkin...

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Zach's Sprayable Wing Sauce

I had the best grilled chicken wings I ever ate on Super Bowl Sunday in Charleston, SC this year. Then the next day I got grilled chicken wings at a different spot and they became the best chicken wings I ever ate. Charleston...

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Dry Brew Coffee Chews

$17.99 from Amazon »

Dry Brew Coffee Chews are for those of us who can't tear ourselves away from the computer--or the Xbox--long enough to get our 3:00 cups o' pick-me-up. And those, such as runners and bikers, who don't have the space or...

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CLR CFF Clear Coffee

$7.50 - $19 from CLR CFF »

For some coffee clears the mind, but for none does coffee clear the teeth. CLR CFF, perhaps inspired by 1992 and Pepsi's other face-palm moment, and certainly in an effort to pump your body with the physical effects of...

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Cereal Motel Adult Cereals

$12.50 from Cereal Motel »

Cereal Motel has a slightly different take on "adult" cereal than Fiber One and unfrosted Mini Wheats do. It's a take I like a whole, whole lot more than whole grains and improved bowel movements. Cereal Motel makes "deliciously...

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Edible Chocolate Candles

$9.99 from Vat 19 »

Edible Chocolate Candles are for when some little guy...or some little guy's Auntie She-Ra's boyfriend...gets a little too zealous about diving into the double chocolate with chocolate fudge and chocolate cookie crumbles...

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Dried Japanese Blowfish Fins

Fugu is what they call blowfish or pufferfish in Japan. It's also the name they use for the dish licensed chefs make from the adorable Dizzy Gillespie of the sea. And that's licensed not just as chefs, but specifically...

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Know Brainer - The Thinker's Coffee Creamer

$18 from Amazon »

Know Brainer hops on the food trend train--you know, paleo locomotive pulling ketogenic, intermittent fasting, Whole 30, and gluten-free boxcars--to bring us this "thinker's" coffee creamer. The individual, portion-controlled...

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20 Pounds of Japanese Wagyu Beef Filet Mignons

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One look at these Japanese Wagyu beef filet mignons--their decadent marbling, their popped-cherry rosiness--and you're like, F you, dude! Why would you show me the most delicious meat on earth? There goes my New Year's...

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Beef Jerky Flower Bouquets

Men, say it with diamonds. With chocolate truffles. With roses. Ladies, say it with beef. Jerky. In the shape of flowers for good measure. Because even though nothing will tell your man's belly how you feel more than...

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Exotic Predator Jerky Gift Pack

$39.99 from Amazon »

Now this is the kind of snake bite I'll take any day: the one where I'm on the delivering end, and the python recipient is covered in teriyaki sauce, kissed with brown sugar, and dried with a touch of liquid smoke. The...

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Edible Dehydrated Zebra Tarantula

$24.99 from Amazon »

What's that you're eating? Antelope jerky? Pssshh! Amateur. Real men, men with balls as big as their 3 p.m. snack cravings, eat dehydrated zebra tarantulas. Straight from the can....

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Paqui Carolina Reaper Madness Chip

Sold Out from Paqui »

Betcha can't eat just one. Maybe not even one bite. Paqui says its Carolina Reaper Madness Chip is made with the hottest chile pepper on earth, and possibly in all the circles of hell. It's so hot they package them in...

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Russian Space Food

$58.99 from Amazon »

Tubes of Russian Space Food. Hmmm, those don't look suspicious at all. You know, it's not really a question of how much you're willing to pay for the chance to eat 3 authentic cosmonaut meals, but of whether or not your...

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Cards Against Humanity Fortune Cookies

$10 from OK Cookie Co. »

I like the fortunes that say things like, "Soon you will be sitting on top of the world," and "May you grow rich," followed by a series of lucky numbers that happen to coincide with those drawn during this week's Power...

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Soylent Coffiest

$15.89 - $82 from Amazon »

A few years ago we got our first taste of Soylent, a meal replacement drink that essentially amounts to dog food for humans. (Yeah, yeah, or maybe...it is humans!) Day in, day out, Soylent tastes exactly the same, and...

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Banana Flour

$11.98 from Amazon »

Paleo and gluten-free monkeys rejoice! You can now enjoy puffy, fluffy pancakes, peanut butter cookies, and rich, thick sausage gravy, or even just an extra shot of potassium in your morning smoothie, courtesy of the...

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Satan's Blood Hot Sauce

$17.84 from Amazon »

Satan's Blood Hot Sauce comes in a "blood vial shaped bottle with 800,000 Scoville units of pepper extract." Yeah, I can see that. I can also see a cock & balls ready to spew a scorching, blinding, fiery-hot death onto...

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BubbleLick Edible Boozy Bubbles

$12.59 from Amazon »

If I had a kid, BubbleLick-ing would be my father-son bonding activity of choice: he blows, I consume. It might be the only game you'll ever play as a parent that actually gets more fun the longer it drags on....

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Pussy Natural Energy Drink

$23.92 from Amazon »

So many ways to interpret the Pussy energy drink. Does it give men in need the bravado to get some? Reinvigorate the nether regions of women who aren't in the mood? Inject some downtown youthfulness into cougars on the...

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High-Protein 100% Bean Pasta

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Make that Inordinately-High-Protein 100% Bean Pasta. That tastes surprisingly F'ing delicious. Each serving of Explore Asian's bean pastas--available in black bean, soybean, adzuki bean, and edamame & mung bean varieties--has...

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Pickle Juice Sport Drink

$22.55 from Amazon »

Don't worry. No cucumbers are harmed in the making of Pickle Juice. This briny sports drink is simply packed with pickling ingredients and flavors, plus a few other functional vitamins and minerals, that its creators...

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Edible Printer Paper

$27.32 from Amazon »

Hey kids, now you can blame the dog or your dad for eating your homework. Or just do it yourself. This pack of edible paper is even printer-ready for replicating high-quality photographs and graphics in food-grade ink....

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Death Wish Coffee - The World's Strongest Coffee

$19.99 from Amazon »

Having a death wish can score you $5 million. At least in free Super Bowl 50 advertising, and at least if you're Death Wish Coffee Co. In addition to the hyper buzz they get from downing cups of their ultra-caffeinated...

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Sansaire Steak Aging Sauce

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If you've got a Crock-Pot or a fancy foodie sous vide cooker, Sansaire says their Steak Aging Sauce will infuse your meat with "the complex flavor of dry aging" in no more than the amount of time it takes you to cook...

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Franklin's Finest Emergency Survival Coffee

$10.59 from Amazon »

I feel like I need Emergency Survival Coffee every morning, so I guess the only thing that sets Franklin's Finest apart from my standard cup of grocery store grind is semantics. They mean "real" emergency that requires...

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SurvivAMINO - Survival Protein Substitute

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SurvivAMINO will rePLACE proTEIN. Help you mainTAIN StrenGTH. Eliminate the hasSLE of CHEWing and TASTing FOOD. For active outdoorsman, backpackers, sailors, soldiers, or just mildly active dudes living in suburbia and...

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LIVIN Farms Edible Insect Hive

$499 - $599 from Livin Farms »

They don't call them mealworms for nothing. LIVIN Farms' Hive might look like a storage tower for your loose screws and bolts, but slide one of these drawers open and the only spare parts you'll find are the squirmy ones...

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Grow Your Own Escargot Kit

$53.39 from Firebox.com »

Note: Converting them from snails to escargot is optional. You are welcome just to grow them and name them and keep them as snuggly (with a side of slime) pets. Otherwise: Attention kitchen magicians! If your bag of culinary...

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Jane's Brew Cannabis-Infused Coffee

Down a cup of Jane's Brew and you'll feel the buzz, the clarity, the drive, the...sudden desire to eat a family-size bag of chips and take a nap. Jane calls her cannabis-infused coffee, available as pods, pod bags, or...

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Anchor Anti-Nausea Bar

$11.99 - $39.99 from Amazon »

Sea sick? Morning sick? Meds sick? Eight Rum & Cokes and maybe a shot of whiskey sick? Anchor yourself....

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GO CUBES Chewable Coffee

$39 from Amazon »

GO CUBES are what happens when real-life Willy Wonkas get their hands on coffee beans. In this case, Willy is Nootrobox, a supplements company focused on nootropics, or drugs with cognitive enhancing properties. Smart...

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Ghost Pepper Honey

$14.99 from Geddes Farms »

And she looked at you and said, "You want your honey? Oh, this bitch is about to give you your honey." I think that's the inspiration behind Geddes Farms' Ghost Pepper Honey. The retaliation might not go quite as planned...

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Your Face on an Animal Cookie

You've had your face on a stamp. On a superhero action figure. Even on a super creepy mask worn by someone who is not you. But I think the best place of all for your face...uh, next to your head...is on an animal cooki

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Breaking Bad Los Pollos Hermanos Fry Batter

Sold Out from Amazon »

Celebrate this summer--and finding Walter--with a big bucket of Los Pollos Hermanos fried chicken. And if you don't live close enough to Breaking Bad's fictional representation of Albuquerque to grab some, grab a bucket...

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Black Peanut Butter

$5 from Frolic »

While I don't really know what's up with the price of Frolic's black peanut butter being quoted in Indonesian rupiah*, I do know what's up with its blackness. And it's not squid ink, medicinal charcoal, or blood infected...

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Ego Boost Beauty Chocolate with Collagen

$13.39 from Firebox.com »

I have bad news and I have good news. The bad news: stuffing your face with chocolate will plump up your ass with unsightly cottage cheese-looking lumps of fat. The good news: stuffing your face with Ego Boost chocolate...

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X-Mode Energy Shots on Tap

$29.99 from Amazon »

Uh oh. As if kegs of beer and boxes of wine aren't dangerous enough in my hands. I don't want children, but I have a feeling if I spent an hour in a room with X-Mode and its 100 ounces of energy shots on tap I'd walk...

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DIY Inside-Out Hard Boiled Eggs

The Golden Goose has already made famous man's power to scramble an egg in its shell, but what if you want to defy and blaspheme the chicken gods even further? Not only whip and muddle their dead fetuses around inside...

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Mushroom Log Kit

$29.95 from Williams Sonoma »

They won't be magically delicious, but the mushrooms that grow out of these spore-injected logs will be tasty as shiitake. Williams Sonoma's homegrown mushroom kit features a hand-cut hardwood log filled will little fertilized...

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The Bacon Jams

$14.99 from The Bacon Jams »

Bacon jam is kind of like peanut butter: intended as a spread or topping, but inevitably eaten by the spoonful standing at the kitchen counter. Preserved pork advocates The Bacon Jams are happy to oblige either method...

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Schweddy Balls Peanut Butter Malt Balls

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No one can resist Pete's Schweddy Balls. They come from an old family recipe. Delicate and toothsome with a moist, chewy center, Schweddy Balls will put all other balls you've ever put in your mouth to shame. With their...

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Flump Face - Your Photo on a Giant Marshmallow

$20.49 from Firebox.com »

Oh man, I cannot wait to toast my ex-girlfriend Karen's face over a roaring fire or blow it up in the microwave. Flump Face gives us the great pleasure of printing favorite pics of ourselves, the people we love, or the...

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DIY Jet Black Hellfire Burgers

$8.29 from Amazon »

I wouldn't be surprised if the secret ingredient to concocting a jet black burger that looks like it's been roasted on the flames of hell was one that inflicted a weeklong case of Montezuma's Revenge. But, somewhat ironically...

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Colon Blow Granola

Sold Out from Amazon »

Take a guess. How many bowls of your oat bran cereal would it take to equal the fiber content of just one bowl of Colon Blow? Hint: It's not 2. It's not 3. And it's not 9. Bigger Hint: It's enough to make Phil Hartman...

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Bees Knees Spicy Honey

I'm not sure I can wrap my head around the implications--the glorious, glorious implications--of what essentially amounts to the honey bear being left alone with the Sriracha rooster in a kitchen cabinet for too long....

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LyteShow Rapid Rehydration Electrolytes

$15.78 from Amazon »

Another concoction from Drinkwel, makers of the multi-vitamin for drinkers, LyteShow seeks to expand its audience with this highly concentrated, rapid rehydration electrolyte formula. Don't worry, that doesn't mean hardcore...

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Dinner with Lecter

$51.95 from Firebox.com »

To this day I shudder every time I hear "American Girl" because it reminds me of being creeped the F out by Silence of the Lambs in my most formative years. Hannibal Lecter wasn't even so bad. It was that Buffalo Bill...

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Cannabis Cold Brew Coffee

Two guesses as to which United State Mirth Provisions' cold-pressed coffee infused with locally-grown cannabis extract comes from. Hint: it's not Colorado....

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Energy Shisha Caffeine Vapor Pen

Discontinued

While drinking coffee in public isn't forbidden...yet...with the recent boom in vaporizer popularity, it's not surprising that caffeine has hopped inside the barrel too. Energy Shisha is an electronic vapor pen that outputs...

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Spreadable Beer

$16.81 from Firebox.com »

Mmmm, nothing cures a hangover like more carbs and alcohol. Though Birra Spalmabile, or Spreadable Beer, contains no actual alcohol, it does contain 40% beer--Atla Quota Greta, to be precise. Sounds Italian. And while...

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1 Year Food Storage

$1,499.99 from Costco »

And I thought a Costco-sized can of baked beans was big. The stock-up store's contributions to hunger management have always been supersized, so it should come as no surprise that their idea of an emergency preparedness...

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Kama Sutra Chocolates (NSFW)

Discontinued

I smell sex and...candy here. It's our favorite form of ancient raunch cacao-ified into a box of Kama Sutra chocolates. Now everyone can give 8 slabs of tasty sex positions to their favorite horndog, or the pillar of...

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30-Minute Mozzarella Cheesemaking Kit

$22.95 from Amazon »

Boy do I love cheese. Even though sometimes it gives me gas so sulfurically heinous my mama asks if I'm running a pulp mill in my ass. I just feel like if the choice is pizza & pain or no pizza & a life of sadness, the...

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F-Cup Cookies

F-Cup Cookies sound like they would be a joke, and they probably are, but for all women with concave chesticular regions and, more importantly, for all the men who have to fondle them, I sure as 2 seconds of motorboating...

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Chocolate Zombie Bunny

$9.99 from ThinkGeek »

The Chocolate Zombie Bunny is what happens when you make an April Fool's Joke that sends all the little zombies into a frenzy of Easter basket demands, and then off on a killing spree when they discover the punchline....

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Srirachup - Sriracha Ketchup

$30 from Sosu Sauces »

I told them this is what would happen if they let the roosters near the tomatoes. The cocks just can't keep it to themselves. And now we have this bastard child. This atrocious, humiliating...awesome-sounding, mouthwatering...

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Canned Dragon Meat

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Canned Dragon Meat. It's like Canned Unicorn Meat, but from a slain dragon instead of a slain unicorn. It probably tastes a lot tougher, maybe a little charred, but since slaying a dragon is considered heroic and grounds...

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Jade Monk Turbo Green Tea

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Jade Monk's demonic-looking Japanese spirit animals would like to offer you a "tremendously refreshing" pouch of powder containing 7 cups of green tea nutrients and enough caffeine to turbocharge your mind and body for...

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Tonguespank Spices

Under normal circumstances, my tongue wouldn't be the first place I'd pick to be spanked. But seeing as Tonguespank Spices are coating their lashings in flavors like Garlic Grappa and Scorpion Bourbon, I guess I'd be...

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Coconut Wraps

Sold Out from Amazon »

My ad campaign for this product would be Paleo Wraps: they definitely taste way better than paper. To say the coconut carb substitutes are delicious, or even good, is tough though. They're not bad. And they're not tasteless....

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A Monthly Taste of Japan Box

$12 - $144 from Skoshbox »

Listen up, 11th hour shoppers, plus anyone else who loves candy, surprises, and/or the delicacies of Japan (the edible, not the human ones): Skoshbox, a deliverer of monthly, fresh-off-the-boat candies and snacks from...

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Pasta Boobs

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I hear Pasta Boobs pair best with cream-based sauces. I hear Pasta Boobs should be cooked al dente if you want them to stay firm. I hear if you serve Pasta Boobs to kids under 3, they'll only gnaw on the tips. I hear...eh...

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Bacons of the World Sampler

I would call Belcampo's Bacons of the World quarterly sampler pork crack, but in this case, I think it would allude to an entirely different--yet still likely very tasty--part of the pig, rather than the addictive, euphoria-inducing...

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Thanksgiving Popcorn Feast

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Well here's one way to appease vegetarians, gluten intolerants, lousy cooks, people with a dish washing aversion, and Orville Redenbacher this Thanksgiving. King of POP has condensed an entire Turkey Day feast into 9...

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Ghost Pepper Jelly

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Suzanne says her Ghost Jelly is perfect for your favorite hotty. I think it's perfect for my friend Cornelius' toast, which I will butter and jelly up for him out of kindness, and inform him is smeared with orange marmalade...

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Sriracha Candy Canes

$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

Is it too early to be talking about candy canes? Most likely. But I join the Targets and Macy's (Macy'ses?) of the world in shoving Christmas down your throat immediately after Halloween only because I care about you....

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Get Up and Go Caffeinated Baked Goods

$8.99 - $36 from Get Up and Go »

Get Up and Go baked goods advertise their delivery of caffeine without the coffee. Having consumed several...in the past 11 minutes...I would advertise that, even better, they jack up my motivation and focus without the...

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One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce

$9.86 from Amazon »

In this case, I think that inserting an eyedropper as a serving utensil for One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce isn't more than just a kitschy packaging ploy. Reviews of the habanero- and scotch bonnet-infused mouth...

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X-Rated Fortune Cookies

$16.01 from Amazon »

Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants...

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5lb Bag of Kraft Cheese Powder

$32.22 from Firehouse Pantry »

Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if one day I don't want the Kraft Mac & Cheese my mama or Bob Evans serves me. Like, what if I want Kraft mini wieners* & cheese or Kraft Jet-Puffed Jumbo Mallows & cheese? Or, screw all...

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Soylent - Dog Food for Humans

$34 from Amazon »

Nary a week goes by that I don't hear about how my friend DeAndre just wishes they made a dog food for humans. Something containing all necessary nutrients, adequate calories, and appropriate protein:carb:fat ratios that...

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3D Printed Sugar

Wedding cakes have been topped with zombies. Video game junkies. Your own face. But have you ever seen one topped with an infinite web of sugar spun in 3 out of 3 dimensions? The Sugar

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Civet Sh*t Coffee Beans

$44.95 from Amazon »

Why do we have so many shit-themed items around here? Steaming turd cakes to send anonymously to exes. Pills that turn your defecation adventures golden. Rich, delectable chocolates lovingly molded into the shape of assholes....

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PB Crave Peanut Butter

Sold Out from Amazon »

You already stand at the kitchen counter eating spoonfuls of peanut butter straight out of the jar anyway, so why not make the guilty pleasure even more enjoyable with PB Crave's addition of the ingredients you might...

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Carbonated Sugar

$7.99 from Amazon »

Carbonated sugar. Also known as Popping Sugar. Also known as the shit they use to make Pop Rocks! F stingy, tablespoonful servings for 99 cents, how's about a whole vat of candied mouth explosions? And a mere packet of...

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Ember Hangover Burner

$11.99 - $19.99 from Ember »

Not that we should be rewarded for irresponsibly drinking to excess such that we need preventative steps to hangovers, but...Ember kind of rewards us for irresponsibly drinking to excess by way of serving as a preventative...

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Eat-A-Bug Cookbook

$16.97 from Amazon »

What are you going to do with all those insects and arthropods and segmented slimers you kill with your Bug-A-Salt shotgun? How about whipping up a batch of Wax Worm Cookies? Mmmmmm, smell those self-regenerative body...

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Wino Popcorn

$8 - $48 from Populence »

Popcorn and wine. They go together like peanut butter and, uh...french fries? Like something I'd probably try it because I dig both of those things individually and they don't have entirely antagonistic flavors, but I'd...

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Wild Game Jerky Sampler Pack

$19.94 from Amazon »

Gators and ostrich and bears, oh my...dayum! Giving bacon gift boxes and Broquets a possible run for their money this Father's Day: Buffalo Bob's Wild Game Jerky. The sampler pack....

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Breast Milk Lollipops

$10 from Lollyphile »

Oh, would that they were made of real breast milk...that would be F'ing sick. But in the grand spirit of edible items simply modeled after choice body parts*, the Lollyphile's Breast Milk Lollipops don't contain actual...

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Edible Anus Chocolates

Sold Out from Amazon »

Several years ago, Willy Wonka sat down with the UK's most distinguished chocolatiers to lay down the next big release in artisan chocolate. He tried many of their stunning and revolutionary manipulations of the finest...

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Caffeinated Baking Sugar

$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

Here is what's going to happen when I give Cornelius pot brownies made with Jacked Up caffeinated baking sugar: first he will say he doesn't feel anything. This will continue for 11 to 17 minutes. Then he will jump out...

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23K Gold Chocolate Bacon

$39.99 from Baconery »

And you thought there was only one way to eat, and then shit, gold. The Baconery's slightly more affordable, 23-karat version of the edible precious metal might even trump Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K.'s pills, as it adds...

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MacAweenie & Cheese

$8.95 from Amazon »

Penis pasta, penis pasta, penis pasta! Cornelius just made me say it 3 times fast. I found that it wasn't very difficult, but he found it very funny because everyone in the Apple store looked at me like I'm the type of...

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Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce

$13.99 from Amazon »

Not only is this item called Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce, but it's sold by a vendor named Professor Phardtpounders. How tacky and immature. I want some. Specifically, I want a concoction of Scotch bonnet peppers, mustard...

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Freeze Dried Meat

$38.19 - $288.99 from Amazon »

Japanese earwax magnifiers, freeze dried meat, Today's Special is: weirdness. Now someone take that mannequin's hat off so he'll stop yammering about sharing and being nice to people. Honeyville Rancher's Cut carnivorous...

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Cow Wow Cereal Milk

Sold Out from Amazon »

I never cared much for the milk left at the bottom of the cereal bowl. But I spooned it up anyway because my grandma told me that if I didn't I would get osteoporosis. (I am very happy to report that after years of taking...

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Dark Chocolate Sriracha Bunny

Sold Out from Amazon »

At first I thought the Dark Chocolate Sriracha Easter Bunny was just the latest addition to our rooster sauce pop culture craze, but further rumination made me realize its true application is as a training tool for children....

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SEXCEREAL

$19.57 - $107.85 from Sexcereal »

SEXCEREAL is the most ingenius display of product spinning and effective branding I've seen since I was 18 months old and my mama transformed spoonfuls of pureed peas into airplanes. Actually, it's even better because...

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Minecraft Marshmallow Creeps

$4.99 from ThinkGeek »

The little bit of good news I have for you today is that we are only 16 days away from spring and 27 days away from Easter*, which means Peep eating season is upon us! Even better tidings for Minecraft die-hards: Marshmallow...

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Tactical Bacon

$27.75 from Amazon »

I don't really like to shoot to kill--less due to the ethics of felling a majestic beast than the fact that blood and rigor mortis make me squeamish--but I think if given the choice between taking down a deer or taking...

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Death Star Lollipops

Sold Out from Etsy »

Death Star Lollipops. An excellent concept. And might I suggest throwing some Pop Rocks in there too during a suck session so they actually explode in your mouth....

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Velopresso - Espresso Cart Trike

Put the pedal to the...grinder. The Velopresso, an espresso cart-bicycle (well, tricycle, really) hybrid, takes the concept of generating power through manual labor and removes the practical joke punchline typically associated...