Japanese Kit Kat Bars

By: on April 14, 2013
$0.92 - $29.99
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Why are green Kit Kats so mesmerizing? Because they look like Zombie Kit Kats? Their flavor is Maccha Green Tea, so they can't possibly taste like anything resembling good, yet they have been flying off the virtual shelves of America, along with a grip of other Far East doctorings of our four-fingered, choco-dipped biscuits that have, on these soils, remained unchanged since 1935. I guess we can't escape the allure of pastel purple where there is supposed to be milky brown, or the words "Shinshu Apple" and "Azuki Bean" where it should say "Crisp wafers in milk chocolate."

Japanese Kit Kat import flavors include:

  • Wasabi Chocolate
  • Maccha Green Tea
  • Blueberry Cheesecake
  • Strawberry Cheesecake
  • Pumpkin Pudding
  • Sweet Purple Potato
  • Shinshu Apple
  • Azuki Bean
  • Roasted Green Tea
  • Yatsuhashi (Cinnamon Cookie)
  • Brown Sugar Syrup

I would put Kit Kats in my Halloween Candy Top 10. Here is the complete list:

10. Any candy bar people gave away in full-size instead of fun-size. Unless it was Mounds or Almond Joy, which are disgusting and should be banned from the planet.

9. 3 Musketeers. I liked how these weren't very dense so you could eat a whole lot of them before you started feeling really sick.

8. Pop Rocks. This needs absolutely no explanation.

7. Fun Dip. People hardly ever handed out Fun Dip on Halloween, but when they did their house got a gold star by it on my hand-drawn spreadsheet of where to go begging for sugar the following year.

6. Snickers. No one doesn't like stickers. Snickers are godlike in their palatability. Unfortunately, due to a sudden onslaught of fake allergies within the last 10 to 15 years, 60% of kids will never find this out. Poor bastards.

5. Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy might be my favorite non-chocolate-themed candy. I love all flavors of it, even banana, which I normally hate in other candy forms, especially Runts and Nerds.

4. Kit Kat. Here it is. Number 4. Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that....

3. Butterfinger. Oh how I loved Butterfingers. Even when all of their toxic-orange-colored insides fell out in crumbles down the front of my shirt after one bite. In college I wrote a 5,000-word essay about this candy. It was a Freudian interpretation of the Simpsons Butterfinger commercials. You know, how Bart steals the giant Butterfinger bar from Homer and runs up a tree with it. Phallic imagery and patricidal innuendo galore!

2. Reese's Pieces. I must have a thing for peanut butter. Though I prefer the Pieces to the Peanut Butter Cups, the not-available-at-Halloween Peanut Butter Eggs reign supreme. I don't know how Cup and Egg can be so different, but they are. My entire family succumbs to the call of the Reese's Peanut Butter Egg. My mom used to buy multiple (>50) packages when they came out around Easter but, in an effort to prevent the rest of us from mass consumption, she'd hide them in random, out-of-reach places all over the kitchen. Behind cookbooks at the top of a shelf. Within the depths of decorative pitchers. Inside empty Velveeta cheese boxes at the back of cabinets. It was like a scavenger hunt she didn't know anyone was playing.

1. Twix. I am crunchy things' little bitch. Add caramel and chocolate to a crunchy biscuit and it's game over. Twix, you're crowned King of Fat and High Fructose Corn Syrup. Period and forever.

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