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Chocolate Candy Bar Maker

$30.36 from Amazon »

Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, hide yo' husband! No one's getting their hands on the Chocolate Candy Bar Maker but me! Chocolate's loyal, and gluttonous, and selfish little whore slave. No, redact that redaction. Whore!...

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Game of Thrones Chocolate Dragon Egg

I tried one of Truffle Cottage's Game of Thrones Chocolate Dragon Eggs last night. And if by "tried" you think I mean "demolished," then you are correct, sir! I think She-Ra: Princess of Power ate a couple from the stash...

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Loloz - Cavity-Fighting Lollipops

$29.99 from Amazon »

Oh good, now all the Kandi Kids kids can practice responsible oral hygiene when they're high on Molly at the EDM festivals this summer. Your own little ones might love them some brightly-colored, fruity-flavored Loloz...

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5-Pound Bag of Gummi Bears

$10.51 from Amazon »

The best part about a 5-pound bag of Gummi Bears is obviously that it contains approximately 985 Gummi Bears. But the second best part is Haribo's description of those 985 Gummi Bears as "Naturally flavored with balanced...

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Super Mario Candy Easter Egg

It may not be a block, but crack your head against this yellow question mark and you'll still enjoy the spoils of gold coins and a mushroom o' added life. Or at least a temporary increase in energy from its 58 or so grams...

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IPA Beer Brittle

$39.99 from Amazon »

Give your lady some fine truffles for Valentine's Day, and maybe she'll return the favor with a package of GoodHead flavored gel. Or, as a first runner up, Small Batch Brittle's IPA Beer Brittle....

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Solid Chocolate Revolver

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Why pack heat when you can pack sweets? (Plus a few pounds onto your butt and gut.) This revolver from Chocolate Weapons is an exact, full-size replica molded from almost a pound of solid milk chocolate. It comes in a...

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10-Pound Toblerone Bar

$105.92 from Amazon »

Toblerone has built 45, 100-gram servings into their 10-pound mountain range of chocolate, honey, and almond nougat. That's:...

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Chocolate Megalodon Shark Teeth

$15.99 from Fossilera »

Why eat a chocolate bunny for Easter this year when you can eat...all the chocolate bunnies on earth with a massive chocolate megalodon shark tooth? Muahahaha! These edible and...wait for it...toothsome replicas are molded...

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Bulk Single Flavor Candy

$10.99 - $50.98 from Amazon »

Mama! I said I only want the Cherry Starburst! Only the Cherries! Ahhh, just remembering the days when my mama had to toil over picking out all the good Starburst, Skittles, and Tootsie Pop flavors for me. The days before...

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World's Largest Box of Nerds Candy

$22.99 from Amazon »

This looks healthy. A little grand finale to the Christmas ham and candied yams? (And apple pie, fudge, half a dozen of those Corn Flake cookies dyed green and shaped like wreaths....) The World's Largest Box of Nerds...

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Sugar Lab 3D-Printed Candy

$36 from Cubify »

Oh boy, edible geometry. But in order to eat one of Sugar Lab's 3D-printed sour or peppermint candies, you must first be able to answer multiple choice questions about what the cube with the sphere at its right side and...

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Life-Size Gummy Skull

$39.99 from Vat 19 »

This is what happens to people who eat 5-pound gummy bears: they OD on sugar and high fructose corn syrup, their brains become gelatinous, and they turn into 5-pound gummy skulls. In flavors cherry, blue raspberry, and...

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Star Wars Gummies

$5 - $25 from Etsy »

A Death Star that blows up your mouth, not your planet. ZOMGnomnomnom's gummy Star Wars candies come in standard bear flavors and colors, but trade in the ursine molds for those of superlaser-shooting globes, Darth Vaders...

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Japanese Kit Kat Bars

$0.92 - $29.99 from Amazon »

Why are green Kit Kats so mesmerizing? Because they look like Zombie Kit Kats? Their flavor is Maccha Green Tea, so they can't possibly taste like anything resembling good, yet they have been flying off the virtual shelves...

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Retro Candy Gift Boxes

$17.65 - $26.77 from Amazon »

Almost as interesting as it will be to watch the effects of my grandpa ingesting 4 pounds of processed sugar a la Slo Pokes, Red Hots, and Chuckles on Christmas morning is noting that, of the wax-wrapped candy treats...

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Pop Rocks Cotton Candy

$3.50 from Vat 19 »

Pop Rocks Cotton Candy? Talk about blowing my mind. Blowing my taste buds. Blowing my oral tactile receptors. Blowing my insulin levels! It's light, fluffy pure sugar meets hard, explosive-upon-impact pure sugar. Sold...

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$3.25 from Zotter »

Mom and Dad are going to love it when I pass these Chocoshots out to the kiddies on Halloween. German company Zotter makes the syringes filled with mankind's greatest culinary invention from organic, fair-trade ingredients...

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Gummi Army Guys

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These aren't just Gummi Army Guys. These are 5 pounds of Gummi Army Guys. If I ate all of them, I would be 5 pounds heavier. Until I projectile vomited faster than the speeding bullets the GIs are ammo'd up with, at which...

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Breaking Bad Blue Glass Meth Candy

Sold Out from Etsy »

Let's preface this pimp of Danilo Buendia's Breaking Bad Blue Glass Meth Rock Candy with the obvious: rock candy is pretty easy to make oneself. Even Blue Glass rock candy. Certainly easier than Blue Glass meth, and probably...

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Zombie Gumball Machine

$650 from Juneau Studios »

I hope a hissing zombie with a sinister smile and graying flesh that has 80% rotted into a muscle-fascia-exposing slimy film, who's in the midst of ripping open his own abdomen to reveal a fun and colorful smorgasbord...

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Ghost Pepper Super Hot Candy Balls

$9.99 from ThinkGeek »

Get ready for the uncontrollable "O" mouth, exhalations of fire, and streaming tears of blissful discomfort only a few Victoria's Secret models, and Bhut Jolokia, the world's hottest pepper, can extract from your otherwise...

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Zombie Head Chocolates


Zombies of the earth unleash a collective wail as they witness humans' discovery of why they eat brains: brains taste like chocolate covered cherries. Now the competition for cranial acquisition and consumption is going...

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Bacon Flavored Chocolate Bar

$13.95 from Amazon »

The sweet and the salty, all in one meal. I think we're getting past the everything is better with bacon phase in America, but this chocolate bar could slip through the cracks into my everyday diet. Three hundred pounds...

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Chocomize Bars

$6 from Chocomize »

I used to have to sell chocolate bars for little league when I was a kid. $1 per bar. I marked them up to $2 and pocketed a dollar for myself, then usually ate half of my inventory. It seemed to work out pretty well....