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Tactical Bacon
Sunday, April 14, 2013
/japanese-kit-kat-bars-7492.jpg "Japanese Kit Kat Bars")
$0.92 - $29.99 from Amazon »
Why are green Kit Kats so mesmerizing? Because they look like Zombie Kit Kats? Their flavor is Maccha Green Tea, so they can't possibly taste like anything resembling good, yet they have been flying off the virtual shelves...
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
/breaking-bad-blue-glass-meth-4869.jpg "Breaking Bad Blue Glass Meth Candy")
Sold Out from Etsy »
Let's preface this pimp of Danilo Buendia's Breaking Bad Blue Glass Meth Rock Candy with the obvious: rock candy is pretty easy to make oneself. Even Blue Glass rock candy. Certainly easier than Blue Glass meth, and probably...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
/retro-candy-gift-boxes-6033.jpg "Retro Candy Gift Boxes")
$17.65 - $26.77 from Amazon »
Almost as interesting as it will be to watch the effects of my grandpa ingesting 4 pounds of processed sugar a la Slo Pokes, Red Hots, and Chuckles on Christmas morning is noting that, of the wax-wrapped candy treats contained in the 1940s nostalgia pack, those three have withstood the test of time and can still probably be bought at my neighborhood Walgreens. Which is particularly surprising when...
Thursday, September 5, 2013
$39.99 from Vat 19 »
This is what happens to people who eat 5-pound gummy bears: they OD on sugar and high fructose corn syrup, their brains become gelatinous, and they turn into 5-pound gummy skulls. In flavors cherry, blue raspberry, and grape....
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Discontinued
Get ready for the uncontrollable "O" mouth, exhalations of fire, and streaming tears of blissful discomfort only a few Victoria's Secret models, and Bhut Jolokia, the world's hottest pepper, can extract from your otherwise...
Saturday, October 13, 2012
$13.89 from Amazon »
These aren't just Gummi Army Guys. These are 5 pounds of Gummi Army Guys. If I ate all of them, I would be 5 pounds heavier. Until I projectile vomited faster than the speeding bullets the GIs are ammo'd up with, at which point I would walk away 6 to 8 pounds lighter. So that's, like, reason number 73 to buy a bag of artificially apple-flavored high fructose corn syrup and green dye no. 3 military...
Thursday, May 16, 2013
$5 - $25 from Etsy »
A Death Star that blows up your mouth, not your planet. ZOMGnomnomnom's gummy Star Wars candies come in standard bear flavors and colors, but trade in the ursine molds for those of superlaser-shooting globes, Darth Vaders...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
$11.95 from Amazon »
The sweet and the salty, all in one meal. I think we're getting past the everything is better with bacon phase in America, but this chocolate bar could slip through the cracks into my everyday diet. Three hundred pounds, here...
Friday, December 7, 2012
$3.50 from Vat 19 »
Pop Rocks Cotton Candy? Talk about blowing my mind. Blowing my taste buds. Blowing my oral tactile receptors. Blowing my insulin levels! It's light, fluffy pure sugar meets hard, explosive-upon-impact pure sugar. Sold by the...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
$6 from Chocomize »
I used to have to sell chocolate bars for little league when I was a kid. $1 per bar. I marked them up to $2 and pocketed a dollar for myself, then usually ate half of my inventory. It seemed to work out pretty well. These...
Sponsored
If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.
And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.
The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.
Friday, October 19, 2012
$3.25 from Zotter »
Mom and Dad are going to love it when I pass these Chocoshots out to the kiddies on Halloween. German company Zotter makes the syringes filled with mankind's greatest culinary invention from organic, fair-trade ingredients...
Friday, August 24, 2012
$650 from Juneau Studios »
I hope a hissing zombie with a sinister smile and graying flesh that has 80% rotted into a muscle-fascia-exposing slimy film, who's in the midst of ripping open his own abdomen to reveal a fun and colorful smorgasbord of ...
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Discontinued
Zombies of the earth unleash a collective wail as they witness humans' discovery of why they eat brains: brains taste like chocolate covered cherries. Now the competition for cranial acquisition and consumption is going to...
