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Little Vampire Pacifier

By: on December 17, 2011
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
  • Little Vampire Pacifier
$7.03
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The marketing photos for this vampacifier aren't that impressive. They make it look like a good idea that was poorly executed. Kind of like the entire Twilight book series. Or the WTF-looking children of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. But the action shots of real life baby bloodhounds using it are sweet. Check out Owen and "No sparkles here", the latter of which proves the vampiric race accepts special needs kids.

"The secret truth about ginger kids" actually looks like it was made from fangs and plasma instead of eggs and sperm. His kitschy binky is just reverse psychology-ing the truth. But you can't hide that flammable translucent skin, or those glamouring bug eyes in plain sight, devil child! We know you're already mesmerizing your parents to feed you the family cat, and us to Fed Ex you our pomeranians and billy goats.

Hey, vamped out twins! Is your mother one of those women who's discovered the rarely publicized physical torment of breast feeding? I bet the faux incisors your dad's frat brothers gave you guys make sure she has extra special night terrors.

Oh shit. This one looks like some self-actualized Asian monk baby gone rogue. He probably doesn't even need super strength, speed, and a fat wad of enameled calcifications to drain the soul out of the first person to coo at him. If you cooperate, though, he'll make it quick, and whisper some Confucian wisdom in your ear before severing your carotid artery.

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In Case Of Cabinets

$188 from In Case Of »

In case of a zombie, vampire, werewolf, or demon emergency take this tiny sledgehammer, break the glass, and prepare to fight for your life. Or run like a girl while tossing Holy Water over your shoulder. In Case Of cabinets...

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Trailer

Abraham Lincoln's political career, the Civil War, slavery in The South--conspiracy theorists have been saying it for over a century, and now Seth Grahame-Smith's thinly-veiled novel, plus Tim Burton's twisted interpretive...

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Vampire Killing Kit

Discontinued

I need one of these for sure. Not just for display either.... For killin'! Some creepy dude named The Somber Raven made these Vampire Killing Kits and they're pretty legit. You can tell they're what's bolstering him from...

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Nosferatu Shower Curtain

$73 from Etsy »

The makers of this shower curtain depicting a shadowy Nosferatu ascending the stairs to drain your blood and leave you a dead and dried-out heap of sunken flesh...or maybe turn you into a vampire like himself if you're...

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LEGO Vampire GT Supercar

The undead beast has arrived. Paul Boratko spent years mulling over and designing his Vampire GT Supercar. Its gull-wing doors. Its menacing front fascia. Its groundbreaking chassis. In July 2011, he began tinkering with...

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Fangs Mouthguard

Sold Out from Amazon »

Kick ass in the image of MMA Heavyweight Champ Andrei Arlovski, NBA Champ LeBron James, or Blood-Draining Champ Dracula. TITLE's Fang Mouthguard is made from PolyShok, a material they claim has 150% more energy absorbency...

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Vampire Slaying Kit

Sold Out from Etsy »

In some cases, an obsession has gone too far when someone ends up dead. In this case, the obsession is already dead, and you are simply protecting yourself from it, so don't let any of those self-righteous SOBs who think...

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Vampire Hunter Trophy Fangs

Sold Out from Etsy »

Abe Lincoln isn't the only one who can spout off at the mouth about his entirely fabricated vampire hunting adventures. I can make shit up just as well as a dead president. For example, I scored this set of vamper fangs...

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The Vampire Combat Manual

$9.99 from Amazon »

It's a guide to fighting the bloodthirsty undead. As opposed to the brain-hungry undead. The Vampire Combat Manual is a necessary complement to anyone's zombie killing kit or how-to book, and adds to contemporary society's...