Little Vampire Pacifier

By: on December 17, 2011
Little Vampire Pacifier
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The marketing photos for this vampacifier aren't that impressive. They make it look like a good idea that was poorly executed. Kind of like the entire Twilight book series. Or the WTF-looking children of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. But the action shots of real life baby bloodhounds using it are sweet. Check out Owen and "No sparkles here", the latter of which proves the vampiric race accepts special needs kids.

"The secret truth about ginger kids" actually looks like it was made from fangs and plasma instead of eggs and sperm. His kitschy binky is just reverse psychology-ing the truth. But you can't hide that flammable translucent skin, or those glamouring bug eyes in plain sight, devil child! We know you're already mesmerizing your parents to feed you the family cat, and us to Fed Ex you our pomeranians and billy goats.

Hey, vamped out twins! Is your mother one of those women who's discovered the rarely publicized physical torment of breast feeding? I bet the faux incisors your dad's frat brothers gave you guys make sure she has extra special night terrors.

Oh shit. This one looks like some self-actualized Asian monk baby gone rogue. He probably doesn't even need super strength, speed, and a fat wad of enameled calcifications to drain the soul out of the first person to coo at him. If you cooperate, though, he'll make it quick, and whisper some Confucian wisdom in your ear before severing your carotid artery.