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Posted: Saturday, August 03, 2013
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How Not to Kill Your Baby

How Not to Kill Your Baby
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  • How Not to Kill Your Baby
  • How Not to Kill Your Baby
  • How Not to Kill Your Baby
  • How Not to Kill Your Baby
  • How Not to Kill Your Baby
  • How Not to Kill Your Baby

I'd imagine a concern for all parents, but particularly male parents, is having a baby and then accidentally dropping it. Or tucking it snoozing in its carrier under the table at the bar so it will be out of the way, and then forgetting to collect it again before you leave. Or having it choke on the jalapeno nachos you made it for dinner. Jacob Sager Weinstein's How Not to Kill Your Baby acknowledges your concerns and, in perhaps the most direct and real parenting book ever written, sets out to alleviate them. You're worried you'll be a shitty dad? Well guess what, you probably will. But not necessarily all the time. There will be some highlights and self-congratulatory moments along the way. And with How Not to Kill Your Baby at your side, you'll surely avert the most grave and feared result of being a shitty dad: inadvertently sending your little angel to live with all the rest of the little angels in the sky.

Though obviously a parody in nature--and a super gag gift in application--How Not to Kill Your Baby does provide some commentary and tips that expecting parents (you too, ladies) can use as a foundation for raising an alive child. For example:

  • "It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23."
  • "When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!"
  • "It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age."

How Not to Kill Your Baby also provides advice on topics such as when to conceive (either exactly on your 20th birthday or never) and how to track your child's growth, plus quick reference diagrams to remind you which parent should be doing the breast feeding, and how to play-toss your kid like a football without getting it stuck in the ceiling fan.

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