96

How Not to Kill Your Baby

By: on August 03, 2013
Sold Out from
Check It Out

I'd imagine a concern for all parents, but particularly male parents, is having a baby and then accidentally dropping it. Or tucking it snoozing in its carrier under the table at the bar so it will be out of the way, and then forgetting to collect it again before you leave. Or having it choke on the jalapeno nachos you made it for dinner. Jacob Sager Weinstein's How Not to Kill Your Baby acknowledges your concerns and, in perhaps the most direct and real parenting book ever written, sets out to alleviate them. You're worried you'll be a shitty dad? Well guess what, you probably will. But not necessarily all the time. There will be some highlights and self-congratulatory moments along the way. And with How Not to Kill Your Baby at your side, you'll surely avert the most grave and feared result of being a shitty dad: inadvertently sending your little angel to live with all the rest of the little angels in the sky.

Though obviously a parody in nature--and a super gag gift in application--How Not to Kill Your Baby does provide some commentary and tips that expecting parents (you too, ladies) can use as a foundation for raising an alive child. For example:

  • "It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23."
  • "When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!"
  • "It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age."

How Not to Kill Your Baby also provides advice on topics such as when to conceive (either exactly on your 20th birthday or never) and how to track your child's growth, plus quick reference diagrams to remind you which parent should be doing the breast feeding, and how to play-toss your kid like a football without getting it stuck in the ceiling fan.

Check it out

Baby Head Masks

$450 - $500 from Hyperflesh »

People who think babies are angelic and precious, I see your Gerber models, and raise you these three baby head masks. No, make that these three enormous, bulbous, horrifying, spawn-of-Chucky baby head masks. Landon Meier...

Buy Now

The Baby Shusher

$31.49 from Amazon »

Either the Baby Shusher shhhhhhh-ing machine is a Nobel Prize-caliber invention, or the baby in that video learned in the womb how to be an Oscar-caliber actor. Arrrgh, that sound, that wailing. I can't think of a noise...

Check it out

The Baby Muzzle

$149.99 from Japan Trend Shop »

First we saw the Japanese Shouting Vase, an ABS resin stress-reliever that mutes the wails of angry or frustrated souls who need to unleash their fury without disturbing the peace. Now the brilliant minds of Japan--perhaps...

Check it out

In Vitro Baby Branding

Ink, sperm and eggs go in, a financially secure future comes out. In vitro fertilization is expensive, and let's face it, so are babies. What better way to offset the costs, and maybe make a little extra (elbow-elbow)...

Check it out

Mission Critical Baby Carrier for Dads

Through September 13th, 2105, click here to enter Dude's Mission Critical Baby Carrier & Daypack giveaway. It's your chance to MOLLE up those diapers, bottles & 6-month-olds with a Baby Carrier and Carrier Daypack combo...

Buy Now

Infant Circumcision Trainer

$192 from Amazon »

Expecting parents who want to trim the fat from ever-rising hospital bills now have the option to save over $2,000 if they are willing to trim the skin from their newborn sons. Created by Ezra Messer, a mohel with more...

Buy Now

Baby Thug Onesie

Sold Out from Amazon »

"I just did 9 months on the inside...and now that I'm out, my mom is making me wear an orange onesie that, for some reason, encourages many who see me to double-bump a fist against their chest and flash me two fingers."...

Check it out

Skoda Man-Pram

By: Skoda »

At the end of the day, you'll still be a dude pushing around a baby...or a pomeranian...in a stroller, but at least with Skoda's Man-Pram you can mow the fuck over anyone who gives you shit about it....

Buy Now

Windi the Gaspasser Gas & Colic Reliever

$14.99 from Amazon »

Windi the Gaspasser is one of those WTF products I as a childless dude saw and immediately thought was, in this order: a funny joke; a disgusting not-joke; a sad reality. You basically stick this little (un)plug in your...

Buy Now

Self-Installing Car Seat

$499.99 from Amazon »

The 4moms self-installing car seat may not be the most sparkly, fun, or pampering gift for new moms to unwrap this holiday season, but it could prove to be the greatest they've ever received. Paired with its watchdog...

Check it out

Wearable Diaper Bags for Dads

$89 - $99 from DadGear »

A wearable diaper bag for dads may not sound like it wants to be less humiliating than the Daddle dad saddle for all you new papas out there, but I promise you subtlety is DadGear's primary focus with their baby-ready...

Check it out

Got Snipped Vasectomy Gift Baskets

$34.99 - $75.99 from Got Snipped »

It's that mad, mad, mad, mad time of year. With March comes Selection Sunday. With Selection Sunday comes the NCAA Tournament. And with the NCAA Tournament comes...vasectomies. Lots and lots of vasectomies. More vasectomies...