Giant Squishy Beasts
Here are some giant squishy beasts--Squishables, officially--fashioned after the likes of the Narwhal, T-Rex, Yeti, Cthulhu, Polar Bear, and Android mascot. I know you don't want one. But look: they appear to make ladies happy. Ladies seem to love hugging them. Ergo, if you give a lady a Squishable, she will be happy, and most likely in a, uh, "huggy" mood.
Men, this Valentine's Day, might I suggest leaving the froofy teddy bears holding pillowy hearts on their racks at the gas station, and going for the type of quirky, cool stuffed animal gift you can feel slightly less ridiculous about sharing a bed with. Giant Squishables measure 15" in diameter, and come in dozens of breeds, both real and mythical. Soft, snuggly poly fiber meets everything from a cuddly panda bear to a disproportionately fat bumble bee to a testosterone-charged royal blue dragon.
Technically suitable for ages 3 and up, though depending on what you're looking to get in return, probably best that the recipient be at least 18.