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Giant Squishy Beasts

By: on January 15, 2013
  • Giant Squishy Beasts
  • Sabertooth Tiger Squishable
  • T-Rex Squishable
  • Unicorn Squishable
  • Hedgehog Squishable
  • Giant Squishy Beasts
$38 - $44
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Here are some giant squishy beasts--Squishables, officially--fashioned after the likes of the Narwhal, T-Rex, Yeti, Cthulhu, Polar Bear, and Android mascot. I know you don't want one. But look: they appear to make ladies happy. Ladies seem to love hugging them. Ergo, if you give a lady a Squishable, she will be happy, and most likely in a, uh, "huggy" mood.

Men, this Valentine's Day, might I suggest leaving the froofy teddy bears holding pillowy hearts on their racks at the gas station, and going for the type of quirky, cool stuffed animal gift you can feel slightly less ridiculous about sharing a bed with. Giant Squishables measure 15" in diameter, and come in dozens of breeds, both real and mythical. Soft, snuggly poly fiber meets everything from a cuddly panda bear to a disproportionately fat bumble bee to a testosterone-charged royal blue dragon.

Technically suitable for ages 3 and up, though depending on what you're looking to get in return, probably best that the recipient be at least 18.

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Cute Ass Animals Underwear

$35 - $56 from Etsy »

Etsy vendor Nichola's Knickerockers, underwear with adorable animal faces strategically sewn across one of my favorite places on earth, are pricey. But to all ladies who often get mistaken for Victoria's Secret models...

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Feisty Pets Santa Bear

$20.66 from Amazon »

Remember Feisty Pets? The sweet-to-snarling stuffed animals are celebrating the holiday season with a Feisty Santa Bear, the ultimate cuddly teddy who can turn vicious grizzly in the blink of an eye. Or, more accurately...

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Anatomical Gummi Bears

$39.99 from ThinkGeek »

This anatomical view of what lies beyond the high fructose corn syrup and Yellow Dye No. 5 of their epidermises paints Gummi Bears in a new light. Gives them some identity. Some humanity. Makes me feel kind of bad for...

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You Is Fine Bears

$17 - $49.99 from Love Is Lame »

Do you love her? Eh. Is she cute? Heh. She is way beyond cute, dude. Hot? HOT. Like... Hotter than Olivia Munn all tatted up and devouring a chili dog in a Xena costume? Uh.... Basically every time I see her all I can...

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Feisty Pets

$19.99 - $29.99 from Amazon »

These Feisty Pets are the perfect way to teach your kids about the true nature of animals. All cuddly puppy and squishy bear and magical unicorn at first sight, but get too close and...Rrrrrawwwrrr! Back the F off, son...

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Griz Coat

$249 - $299 from Griz Coat »

I just named a bear one of my Top 10 choices for animal reincarnation, and now, as if in answer to my plea to the forces of nature, the Griz Coat is back. In time for winter. In time for the holidays. In time for looking...

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Animal Hoodies

$9.82 - $23.95 from Amazon »

Ladies, if Griz Coats are too big, too masculine, or too covering of the neck down for you (read: for me), how about one of these minxy little animal hoodies? Most of them even extend along the shoulders into a cozy pair...

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Undead Teds - Your Bear, Zombified

$110 - $140 from Undead Teds »

Whoa. I thought the scariest thing I'd ever seen was a real live British boy who looks like Chucky, but Undead Teds have staged a coup and now reign supreme. Even if they don't have the same bone-chilling, soprano accent....

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Big Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag

$275 from Etsy »

Although this grizzly bear won't tote you around on his back and serve as your mystical forest companion, chances are he also won't eat you when you plop down on or dive bomb him while he slumbers. Because this is a Big...

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Anti-Bear-Attack Pack

$149.99 from UDAP »

Obviously the best thing to do when a grizzly is attacking you is punch it in the face or, if you're a lady, kick it in its twig & bear-ies. But if for some reason when the moment comes you can't remember how to make...

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Blobfish Plush

$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

Snuggle up with God's ugliest creature. It's true. The blobfish wins all the Most Horrific Beast on the Planet contests, and as I've previously mentioned here, I think it might be my curse to be reincarnated as one. Legend...

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My Neighbor Totoro Sleeping Bag Sofa Bed

$240.50 from Amazon »

Totoro. My neighbor. My friend. My giant pillow of a bed. I think this version of the rotund-bellied wood spirit might even be to scale with the original anime Totoro. And even if your kids have no idea what My Neighbor...