The Vampire Combat Manual

By: on October 06, 2012
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It's a guide to fighting the bloodthirsty undead. As opposed to the brain-hungry undead. The Vampire Combat Manual is a necessary complement to anyone's zombie killing kit or how-to book, and adds to contemporary society's obsessive preparations for battling the occult during a seemingly imminent apocalyptic event. Learn how to successfully engage in combat when face to fang with a vamp. Avoid injury, disfigurement, exsanguination, and the dreaded hypnosis thing they pull and then use to make you do embarrassing things like melting a piece of cheese on your nipple, and texting your ex-girlfriend a picture of an empty deep freezer and a sign that says, "Your heart."

The Vampire Combat Manual will also:

  • Debunk myths surrounding vampire flight, animal metamorphosis, and physical attraction to humans.
  • Provide detailed instructions on how to transform everyday materials into weapons deadly enough to deaden the undead for good.
  • Depict methods of harnessing Ultraviolet light for use against a vampire.
  • Explore the pros and cons of decapitation.
  • Provide insight on the Domicile Histodiscordant Reaction (DHR), aka inviting a vampire in.
  • Share firsthand accounts from vampire combat veterans (we're sensing an Abraham Lincoln surprise appearance), plus interviews with actual members of the undead.

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