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The Vampire Combat Manual

By: on October 06, 2012
$9.99
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It's a guide to fighting the bloodthirsty undead. As opposed to the brain-hungry undead. The Vampire Combat Manual is a necessary complement to anyone's zombie killing kit or how-to book, and adds to contemporary society's obsessive preparations for battling the occult during a seemingly imminent apocalyptic event. Learn how to successfully engage in combat when face to fang with a vamp. Avoid injury, disfigurement, exsanguination, and the dreaded hypnosis thing they pull and then use to make you do embarrassing things like melting a piece of cheese on your nipple, and texting your ex-girlfriend a picture of an empty deep freezer and a sign that says, "Your heart."

The Vampire Combat Manual will also:

  • Debunk myths surrounding vampire flight, animal metamorphosis, and physical attraction to humans.
  • Provide detailed instructions on how to transform everyday materials into weapons deadly enough to deaden the undead for good.
  • Depict methods of harnessing Ultraviolet light for use against a vampire.
  • Explore the pros and cons of decapitation.
  • Provide insight on the Domicile Histodiscordant Reaction (DHR), aka inviting a vampire in.
  • Share firsthand accounts from vampire combat veterans (we're sensing an Abraham Lincoln surprise appearance), plus interviews with actual members of the undead.

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Vycle Bicycle Elevator

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On the Vycle you won't go Tour de France fast or Tour de France graceful (heh, heh, check it out) but seated atop this human-powered elevator, you will go all out Y-axis on a bicycle....

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In Case Of Cabinets

$188 from In Case Of »

In case of a zombie, vampire, werewolf, or demon emergency take this tiny sledgehammer, break the glass, and prepare to fight for your life. Or run like a girl while tossing Holy Water over your shoulder. In Case Of cabinets...

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The Legend of Zelda: Hyrule Historia

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People who cannot read Japanese rejoice. Dark Horse Books and Nintendo have published an English version of The Legend of Zelda: Hyrule Historia, which is now available for pre-order. The Triforce unites and soars to...

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Guy Code: Unleash Your Manhood

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Noah Levenson took 15 principles from MTV2's Guy Code and funneled them into his daily life in an attempt to realize his full potential as a man. The result? He has overtaken the body of Chuck Norris. Guy Code: Unleash...

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Trailer

Abraham Lincoln's political career, the Civil War, slavery in The South--conspiracy theorists have been saying it for over a century, and now Seth Grahame-Smith's thinly-veiled novel, plus Tim Burton's twisted interpretive...

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Nosferatu Shower Curtain

$73 from Etsy »

The makers of this shower curtain depicting a shadowy Nosferatu ascending the stairs to drain your blood and leave you a dead and dried-out heap of sunken flesh...or maybe turn you into a vampire like himself if you're...

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Vampire Killing Kit

Discontinued

I need one of these for sure. Not just for display either.... For killin'! Some creepy dude named The Somber Raven made these Vampire Killing Kits and they're pretty legit. You can tell they're what's bolstering him from...

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LEGO Vampire GT Supercar

The undead beast has arrived. Paul Boratko spent years mulling over and designing his Vampire GT Supercar. Its gull-wing doors. Its menacing front fascia. Its groundbreaking chassis. In July 2011, he began tinkering with...

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Manual of Things That Might Kill You

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The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You: A Guide to Self-Diagnosis for Hypochondriacs livens up our inevitable march towards death. I love talking about my health almost as much as other people love hearing...

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Little Vampire Pacifier

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The marketing photos for this vampacifier aren't that impressive. They make it look like a good idea that was poorly executed. Kind of like the entire Twilight book series. Or the WTF-looking children of Bruce Willis...

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Aliens - Colonial Marines Technical Manual

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A revised edition of the 1996 original, the Aliens: Colonial Marines Technical Manual saw its re-release on May 29, 2012, just in time for Ridley Scott's forthcoming--and, uh, entirely unrelated--Prometheus big screen...

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Vampire Slaying Kit

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In some cases, an obsession has gone too far when someone ends up dead. In this case, the obsession is already dead, and you are simply protecting yourself from it, so don't let any of those self-righteous SOBs who think...