103

The Snuggie Sutra

By: on March 07, 2013
$8.17
Check It Out

The Snuggie Sutra, Lex Friedman and Megan Morrison's how-to guide to fleecing up your sex life, brings 3 things to mind. 1) The lingering misery of winter. 2) March Madness. 3) Yam bags.

Winter. Winter should be over on March 20, 2013's first day of spring. But it won't be. Snuggie weather will hang around for at least another month, which perhaps prior to The Snuggie Sutra would have been a terrible realization, but now brings to mind the proverb "When God gives you lemons...find a new god." All hail to the great and benevolent Snuggie.

March Madness. What, by an untouchably large margin, is the most popular time of year for American males to get a vasectomy? Hint: I led the question with the answer. Yep, March Madness. Good job. I'd give you a Poundtown condom, but you won't be needing that anymore. The vasectomy procedure requires men to take a couple of days off work. Combine that "necessity" with the predicament of many opening round games of the NCAA Tournament taking place during working hours and...you got it. 'Tis the season for snipping. As for how The Snuggie Sutra gets some air time during these days of nonstop college basketball consumption and verboten penetration...uh...actually I'm not really sure where I was going with that. Snuggie-ing up with a lady friend on the couch and attending to her needs during commercial breaks maybe? No...that can't be it....

Yam bags. Yesterday I heard my favorite barista--the one who makes smiley faces with devil horns out of the foam on my lattes--say this dude she went out with needs to grow a yam bag. Yam bag! Have you heard this term before? At first when she said it all I could think of was those colorful plastic mesh things that, like, kill sea turtles or whatever when we discard them with the rest of our trash into the ocean. But then I realized "yam bag" is a delightful euphemism for "nut sack". And then I started thinking that if all this maven of the espresso machine wants is a dude with a fully-formed and intact yam bag, perhaps I could be that dude. And then I started having visions of devil-horned smiley face coffee every morning, sometimes maybe even in bed, and it was decided. So wish me luck. Today I plan to go back wearing my neon orange (i.e., yam-colored) Snuggie and, in front of the entire cafe--perhaps with a boombox blaring "Brass in Pocket" to prove I'm not just dressing, but also acting the part of a man who has grown a pair--say to her, "Good afternoon, Eleanor! I am the yam bag you've been looking for!" Naturally, I will have a copy of The Snuggie Sutra in my car for the post-sweeping her off her feet portion of the attack.

The Snuggie Sutra injects a beloved cultural icon with a beloved cultural practice of making everything about sex. Fleece blanket with sleeves? Warm, yeah. Cozy, yeah. But more to the point, the perfect medium for experimenting with the ancient practice of sexual contortion. This comprehensive--and illustrated--guide to Snuggie sex includes positions such as "The Warm and Snuggie" (for beginners), "The Tablecloth", "The Sniper Team", "The Surprise Guest", and, whoa, take a gander at "The Cupid". I hope Snuggies are machine washable.

Check it out

Luxury Mile High Club Experience

$7,750 from Wish.co.uk »

Don't just simulate them in a Jet Bed, realize your aero-fantasies with the Luxury Mile High Club Experience. Wish.co.uk, peddlers of myriad activities intended to prevent life and its inhabitants from becoming boring...

Check it out

Smartduvet Breeze Heat & Cool Self-Making Bed

$199 from Smartduvet »

The Smartduvet self-making bed - no, really. The bed makes itself. Just watch. And that's old news. Smartduvet is now launching a next generation of their smart bedding, the Breeze, that adds dual-zone climate control...

Check it out

Boregasm Pills

Good thing yawns and O faces look about the same because, thanks to research being conducted by a handful of (presumably exhausted and horny) PhD students at Indiana University's The Kinsey Institute, they're about to...

Buy Now

Japanese Electric Piston Masturbator (NSFW)

Sold Out from Amazon »

Note: The Japanese electric piston masturbator's NSFW designation serves not so much as a reminder that this device is not suitable to view at work as it does a reminder that it is not suitable to use at work. I found...

Check it out

LaunchPAD - Fleshlight iPad Case (NSFW)

$29.95 from Fleshlight »

Though it's not electric or piston-powered...or Japanese...like this friendly sex toy, the LaunchPAD does employ advanced technology in a valiant effort to enhance Man's alone time. The makers of male masturbatory aid...

Buy Now

Naughty People Outlet Stickers

$8.10 from Amazon »

These naughty people. Doing doggy style on an electrical outlet. Didn't their mamas teach them anything? Dude better keep his finger out of his lady's mouth (and eyes if they're into that sort of thing) or this love session...

Buy Now

The Pop-up Book of Sex (NSFW)

$127.57 from Amazon »

It's a good thing The Pop-up Book of Sex came to us (hard, I hear) over 10 years ago because the decade in between gave YouTubers plenty of time to put together a detailed video flip-through of every single one of the...

Buy Now

The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas (NSFW)

$11.95 from Amazon »

Is further product description really needed? First there was Georgia O'Keefe, now there is author and illustrator Morgan Hastings. Black-and-white outlines of anatomical wonders beg for your acrylic and Crayola technicolor...

Buy Now

Little Rooster Alarm Clock Vibrator

$99 from Amazon »

Oh (face) no, the rooster's crowing (buzzing) already?! Come (yes, please) on! Do I really have to get up (off)? I hear you, ladies. It's a brutal world of mornings, alarms, and orgasms we live in. I'll keep my fingers...

Buy Now

Sex Positions You Never Thought Possible (NSFW)

$15.75 from Amazon »

Remember that one time you let some chick drag you to hot yoga because she too was hot and you wanted to see her do bendy things in spandex pants, but then you ended up spending the whole class lying on your back trying...

Buy Now

Paco's Taco Stroker

Sold Out from Amazon »

At first I was like, Who the h-e-double-boner named this kitchen tool "Paco's Taco Stroker?" I'm going to make so many masturbation jokes when I write about it. And then I looked closer and was like, Holy hard-on! They...

Check it out

Gravity Therapeutic Weighted Blanket

$169 - $209 from Gravity »

The Gravity Blanket is like a big, wraparound, hours-long hug. John Fiorentino created his weighted cover as a therapeutic tool for those who find themselves stressed, anxious, and/or sleepless at night....