The Jedi Path: A Manual for Students of the Force

By: on December 28, 2012
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According to high-ranking officers of the Galactic Republic, through wars and rebellion, only a single copy of The Jedi Path: A Manual for Students of the Force has survived. They add, "It is now passed on to you." Holy truffled Millennium Falcon, me? As this chick at the gym I have a massive crush on until she starts talking would say: O...M...G.! Seriously?!

No, not seriously. In fact, I think the "single surviving copy" of this manual can actually be had by anyone with cash money or a major credit card. You, me, my brother Darryl, my other brother Darryl.... Not to marginalize its wondrousness. That sweet vaulted exterior you see? It opens mechanically, and to much Star Wars fanfare. Press a button and the doors draw apart. The motion unleashes a symphony of Jedi sound effects through surging blue LED backlighting. Then, slowly, an inner platform rises to reveal--booyakasha!--an exclusive, faux-leather-bound edition of The Jedi Path.

The ancient training manual imparts the wisdom of early Jedi Masters, detailing the history and hierarchy of the Jedi Order, and what Jedi must learn and demonstrate--from Force mastery to lightsaber combat--to "take their place as defenders of the peace in the galaxy." Annotated by those who have studied it over generations, the tome's authenticity is highlighted by mementos tucked into its pages, personal notes in the margins of its pages, and even missing pages that have been ripped out by the likes of Yoda, Luke Skywalker, Count Dooku, and Darth Sidious.

Ancient Masters who authored The Jedi Path include: Fae Coven, Grand Master and head of the Jedi Council; Crix Sunburris, Jedi Ace starfighter pilot; Restelly Quist, Jedi Chief Librarian; Skarch Vaunk, Jedi Battlemaster and lightsaber expert; Bowspritz, Jedi Biologist and expert on the Living Force; Sabla-Mandibu, Jedi Seer and Holocron expert; Morrit Ch’gally, Jedi Recruiter; and Gal-Stod Slagistrough, Jedi leader of the Agricultural Corps. Personal commentary has been added by: Yoda; Thame Cerulian; Count Dooku; Qui-Gon Jinn; Obi-Wan Kenobi; Anakin Skywalker; Ahsoka Tano; Darth Sidious; and Luke Skywalker.

In addition to its formidable vault, the Jedi manual's removable additions encompass:

  • A letter tracing the book's history
  • a severed Padawan braid
  • A metal Jedi Credit medallion
  • A Jedi starfighter patch
  • A burned poster of the Jedi Code
  • A map of the Jedi Temple
  • A lightsaber diagram sketched on the back of a napkin from Dex’s Diner
  • A note on the missing pages torn from the book by a Sith

The Jedi Path is not recommended for chilluns under the age of 14, unless they are particularly adept at wielding sword-like implements and know better than to put foreign objects in their mouths.

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