How to Poo on a Date

By: on April 08, 2014
How to Poo on a Date
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Now that I've learned How to Poo at Work, plus How to Pee with Morning Wood, it's time I overcome my next, and perhaps my greatest, hurdle in life: How to Poo on a Date. How do I poo on a date? I've often wondered. Obviously if we're at her house it's an impossibility. I don't care if I ate a bad clam and feel like the epic mudslide that's been barreling through my colon is mere minutes from exploding into the light of day, I'm not going down in her history as the guy who spent 20 minutes taking a giant dump in her toilet the first time she invited me over. Even if it means I go home without getting laid.

Now if we're at my house and I need to poo...well, we wouldn't be at my house unless my mama were out of town and I was able to hide every trinket and artifact indicating that she lived there too, which I would pretty much never go to the trouble of doing for any girl except Miranda Kerr and this chick Allie, the latter because my evil stone-hearted witch ex Karen once told me she would die if I ever slept with Allie. So pooing on a date at my house = moot pooing point.

The poo in a public place--restaurant, movie theater, bar--isn't the same magnitude of big deal, except for the fact that it tends to take much longer than a pee, and if she starts wondering where I am, she's going to assume that I either ditched her or am doing exactly what I am doing, neither of which improves my chances of getting laid. (Note: Since women take 30 to 45 minutes to use the bathroom no matter what they are using it for, they can pretty much poo freely on dates in public places. Just one more example of gender inequality.)

How to Poo on a Date: The Lovers' Guide to Toilet Etiquette addresses all of these scenarios and provides practical tips for defecating through them with discretion and class. However, before I proceed with the synopsis of How to Poo on a Date, I'd like to clear up some possible confusion as pointed out by a discerning Amazon reviewer. His review, entitled, "Bad Title," reads as follows:

This is NOT the "Lovers' Guide" it makes itself out to be. The title is terribly misleading and should be "'How to Poo DURING a Date", not ON a date.

Sorry, prospective feces fetishists, this is not the introductory how-to for you.

Instead, authors Mats and Enzo have compiled How to Poo on a Date as "a guide to confronting every possible problem or eventuality one may encounter when wooing." Through narrative and diagrams, the pair teach both men and women how to handle real-life awkward call-of-nature situations ranging from the need to unload on a day hike date to the repercussions of dropping a bomb in her toilet...and clogging it.