How to Poo at Work

By: on May 28, 2012
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After all the recent hype over breastfeeding, I think it's about time we returned to a matter of real public interest: poo. Specifically, dropping a deuce at the office. How to Poo at Work is the #1 guide for handling the onslaught of a #2 in the presence of co-workers, bosses, and the plumber who's in the bathroom all day today fixing the leak in the bathroom ceiling.

Perhaps you're wondering why a tome like How to Poo at Work necessary in our hip, progressive times? Well, let's face it. Poo is gross. And because it's gross, the act of pooing can be an awkward one, especially around people with whom one has a business relationship. Even if your office doesn't subscribe to the legendarily disconcerting Ally McBeal co-ed restroom ethos, the potential inter-office and Facebook repercussions of emitting the sounds and smells of colonic release can be intimidating enough to kindle internal panic, or persuade one to choose an unhealthy alternative. Ugh, like holding it. Never a good idea. Because, you know, if it's not coming out one end, it's snaking back up the other, and few things are more uncomfortable than walking around with a gut distended from a poo baby.

One of those things, however, is laughing, coughing, or sneezing a little too forcefully, and realizing a small bit of what you were trying to hold in until your mid-afternoon coffee run has, horrifically and irreversibly, sneaked out. Holy shit, that's bad. That's like, sirens sounding inside your head, have to take an unpaid personal day kind of bad.

The How to Poo at Work manual of doo-dooing with dignity and class circumvents this stress, malaise, and possible utter embarrassment. Its pages--filled with step-by-step instructions, and handy diagrams for visual learners--cover hot topics such as: the boss is in the next stall; the toilet gets clogged; a co-worker follows you into the bathroom; and there's no toilet paper. We hope there is also a section on disappearing to the bathroom a half dozen times within a 30-minute period due to having shotgunned a 60-ounce cup of coffee with a bag of prunes for breakfast this morning....

How to Poo at Work is really just a guide to climbing the corporate ladder, and achieving self-advancement. It's a way, the book promises, to make sure Number 2 never stops you from being Number 1 on the job.

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