Diseases Caused by Masturbation

Posted: January 11, 2017
Diseases Caused by Masturbation
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On the one hand, Diseases Caused by Masturbation is a translation of Dr. Samuel-Auguste Tissot's book originally written in French. So maybe the translator messed up and it's really called Diseases Caused by Exposure to Nuclear Waste. But on the other hand, physician and former Vatican medical advisor Tissot penned the medical dissertation in 1760, back when people thought masturbation really was the root of maladies crushing both body and mind*, so probably the title is legit, and the book's contents really do outline all the ways in which buffing the banana is going to F you up.

Diseases Caused by Masturbation includes tales of the horrors some of Tissot's patients suffered following playtime with the one-eyed snake. For example, Tissot writes, "A young man, not sixteen years old, became addicted to masturbation to so great a degree, that finally, instead of semen there was an emission of blood, which was followed by excessive pain and inflammation of all the genital organs." Sounds rough. But it's like the first time you get wasted (likely around the same age): you go too hard and too fast on a body that's not ready for it; you suffer the consequences; and then you learn to moderate.

Or build up a tolerance so that by the time you're my age you can fight the purple helmet warrior for 5, 6 hours at a time with no bleeding or inflammation, and a pain that can be described best by John Cougar Mellencamp.

Diseases Caused by Masturbation is a must-read for anyone who feels weak, convulsive, achy, or like they're going blind. Likely you'll learn you can cure these symptoms with masturb-abstinance.

No word on whether or not Diseases provides a cure for the ensuing blue balls as well.

*Admittedly, some people still believe this.

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