27

Diseases Caused by Masturbation

By: on January 11, 2017
$8.99
Check It Out

On the one hand, Diseases Caused by Masturbation is a translation of Dr. Samuel-Auguste Tissot's book originally written in French. So maybe the translator messed up and it's really called Diseases Caused by Exposure to Nuclear Waste. But on the other hand, physician and former Vatican medical advisor Tissot penned the medical dissertation in 1760, back when people thought masturbation really was the root of maladies crushing both body and mind*, so probably the title is legit, and the book's contents really do outline all the ways in which buffing the banana is going to F you up.

Diseases Caused by Masturbation includes tales of the horrors some of Tissot's patients suffered following playtime with the one-eyed snake. For example, Tissot writes, "A young man, not sixteen years old, became addicted to masturbation to so great a degree, that finally, instead of semen there was an emission of blood, which was followed by excessive pain and inflammation of all the genital organs." Sounds rough. But it's like the first time you get wasted (likely around the same age): you go too hard and too fast on a body that's not ready for it; you suffer the consequences; and then you learn to moderate.

Or build up a tolerance so that by the time you're my age you can fight the purple helmet warrior for 5, 6 hours at a time with no bleeding or inflammation, and a pain that can be described best by John Cougar Mellencamp.

Diseases Caused by Masturbation is a must-read for anyone who feels weak, convulsive, achy, or like they're going blind. Likely you'll learn you can cure these symptoms with masturb-abstinance.

No word on whether or not Diseases provides a cure for the ensuing blue balls as well.

*Admittedly, some people still believe this.

Buy Now

Vibrating Panties (NSFW)

$29.99 from Amazon »

New life hack, ladies: vibrating panties for your long, miserable commute. Vibrating panties for your long, miserable shift. Vibrating panties for your long, miserable night of caring for your poor little monkey with...

Check it out

Boregasm Pills

Good thing yawns and O faces look about the same because, thanks to research being conducted by a handful of (presumably exhausted and horny) PhD students at Indiana University's The Kinsey Institute, they're about to...

Buy Now

Flowering Penis Coffee Mug

$15.99 from Amazon »

For all the ladies (and fellas!) who count floral patterns and penises amongst their favorite things, have I got a mug of a gift for you. Clothing and accessory brand HUMAN goes for a very anatomical part of being one...

Check it out

Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

Buy Now

Japanese Electric Piston Masturbator (NSFW)

Sold Out from Amazon »

Note: The Japanese electric piston masturbator's NSFW designation serves not so much as a reminder that this device is not suitable to view at work as it does a reminder that it is not suitable to use at work. I found...

Check it out

LaunchPAD - Fleshlight iPad Case (NSFW)

$29.95 from Fleshlight »

Though it's not electric or piston-powered...or Japanese...like this friendly sex toy, the LaunchPAD does employ advanced technology in a valiant effort to enhance Man's alone time. The makers of male masturbatory aid...

Buy Now

Embarrassing Box Prank Mailer (NSFW)

$14.99 from Amazon »

D*ck in a Box is back! Just in time to dil-dole out some good times at the office and an April Fool's Day gift or two. Like many popular send-it-anonymously pranks, maker Witty Yeti will take a sworn oath to mail your...

Buy Now

Selfie Vibrator with HD Camera (NSFW)

$155 from Amazon »

It doesn't have to be a holiday or special occasion to surprise your lady with a thoughtful gift. The Svakom Gaga Sex Selfie Stick even has a foolproof, built-in mechanism for gauging how much she likes it. Come on, sugar...

Buy Now

Images You Should Not Masturbate To

$9.95 from Amazon »

If you're wondering if its title is true, feed your curiosities with the photo of the dog that looks like George Costanza's mom in this book of Images You Should Not Masturbate To. And I thought the salt shaker was bad....

Check it out

How to Pee with Morning Wood

$13.95 - $60.90 from Zazzle »

A self-help guide to dealing with the enormous issue I face first thing in the morning every single day of my life and it's packaged as whimsical wall art that will add immeasurable character to my bathroom? How to Pee...

Buy Now

Paco's Taco Stroker

Sold Out from Amazon »

At first I was like, Who the h-e-double-boner named this kitchen tool "Paco's Taco Stroker?" I'm going to make so many masturbation jokes when I write about it. And then I looked closer and was like, Holy hard-on! They...

Buy Now

Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)

$59.99 - $99.99 from Amazon »

It's the one body part P90X neglects. But before you reach for a Viagra to long-and-strongify your johnson, the Private Gym would like its shot at ripping your penis to shr-...uh.... Maybe I'll go with a different idiomatic...