Ug It Up for Santa: Top 10 Ugly Christmas Sweaters
Ahhhh, nothing screams, "Merry Christmas!" like synthetic fabrics, tacky embroidery, seizure-inducing patterns, and colors insulting to nature. Here are my picks for most awesomely uggiest of the ug, the Top 10 Ugly Christmas Sweaters for 2015.
Note: All items' prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.
Fallout 4 Christmas Sweater. $50. Stay warm, stylish, and spirited this nuclear winter courtesy of VAULT-TEC! This is an official, 100% acrylic release for all the ghouls, raiders, and vault dwellers out there.
Reindeer Threesome Ugly Christmas Sweater. $60. It's a highly inappropriate Rudolph sandwich, wherein Rudolph proves that he can both dish it out and take it. This one will make your Ugly Christmas Sweater parties extra, extra special, reminding everyone that if we're going to be tacky, we may as well be vulgar and offensive as well. A definite must for dudes meeting their girlfriends' parents for the first time, and also for parents volunteering at their kids' school holiday parties.
Street Fighter Christmas Sweaters. $50. The embodiment of ugly Christmas sweater awesome right down to the KO, KO, KOs running along its upper border. It's Ken v. Ryu...and a snowflake...in this Street Fighter spin on the most heinous of yarn creations (100% acrylic in this case.) The sweater's battle and holly jolly battle setting are fully knitted, not printed on. The sweater comes in sizes XS through 3XL, and is also available in Guile vs. Cammy (green) and Sagat vs. Chun Li (blue).
Reindeer Buffet Ugly Christmas Sweater. $30. Uh oh. Looks like Santa's sleigh got lured into Jurassic Park too. At least his reindeer's last moments have been recorded in elegant embroidery and a festive color scheme. T-Rex, you bastard!
Star Wars Ugly Christmas Sweaters. $30 to $65. If Star Wars is on the Ugly Christmas Sweater scene now, I think we need to remove the "Ugly" modifier from the term. How about Star Wars Galactically Awesome Christmas Sweaters instead? Particularly the one spotlighting Chewie Claus, who's making his list as we speak of which good little Jedis are getting a Wookiee Bowcaster under the tree this year, and which Empire loyalists are getting a Wookiee Bowcaster up the....
The Star Wars takeover of America's favorite holiday party theme / wearable displays of irony spreads far and wide, from Kashyyyk to the Death Star and stormtroopers with antlers to Vader wishing his enemies a "Merry Christmas, you filthy Jedi Rebel."
Animated Ugly Christmas Sweaters. $30 to $60. From deranged Santa and a caroling kitty, to a perpetually shaken snow globe, to 2 different roaring fire scenes, Digital Dudz has brought the powers of smartphones to Christmas sweaters. To generate the spirit of the season, select a sweater from the shop and download its corresponding Android or iPhone app from Google Play or iTunes. Once your party wear arrives, follow the simple instructions for inserting your smartphone into the sweater's internal pocket, and bringing its holiday scene to life. Check out a video here.
Frosty the Nose Thief Ugly Christmas Sweater. $65. Oh I see what Frosty did there. He stole that other snowman's nose. And put it on his crotch. So now he has a carrot schnoz and a carrot ding dong. I bet the other snowman is actually a snowlady. Yeah, now it all makes sense. This is Frosty taking his one chance to procreate, to leave a legacy before he melts away.
I don't know if Frosty the Nose Thief qualifies more as an ugly Christmas sweater for the season's forthcoming parties, or as a holiday lesson to us all that sometimes, if we want something out of life, we just gotta take it. And turn it into a wiener.
Reindeer Hangover Ugly Christmas Sweater. $30. The Reindeer Hangover ugly Christmas sweater is probably my favorite in this illustrious segment of the fashion industry. Maker Alex Stevens alone has an entire line of irreverent and charmingly hideous designs to lift your holiday spirits, and win you some chuckles and pats on the back from friends and co-workers.
Heeeeeeere's Santa Ugly Christmas Sweater. $30. Maker Blizzard Bay notes that this sweater goes great with denim. I'd like to add that it also goes great with Best Ugly Christmas Sweater Award ribbons. Who thought of combining the most wonderful time of the year with the creepiest movie of all time? Someone buy that man a beer. And then maybe a psych evaluation.
The Peppermint Throne Ugly Christmas Sweater. $30. Game of Thrones fan or not, the magnificence of a stitched Santa sitting on a candy cane Iron Throne cannot be ignored in what was probably the series' best (or at least most watched) season ever. It makes perfect sense too. They might call him "Claus" but with that snow white beard I don't think there's any doubt we have yet another surviving member of the Targaryen family left to contend with.