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The Worst Halloween Candy

Posted: October 09, 2019
The Worst Halloween Candy

This list of the worst Halloween candy in the land is based on my personal (albeit expert) opinion, so there's obviously a small bit of subjectivity to it. (Spoiler alert: there's also a large Bit-O-Honey.) Some notable omissions include candies I know a lot of you despise, but that I kinda liked as a kid. Black licorice, for example. So many of my friends would dump their trick-or-treating vines and Good & Plenty straight in the trash, but I was just as cool using them to eat myself into a sugar coma as I was my Twix and Sour Patch kids.

I loved me some Tootsie Roll Pops and Blow Pops too.

Candy corn...eh, it was alright. I liked the corn better than the pumpkins anyway, especially for DIYing myself some fangs by shoving them into the 2 sharp teeth I have on the sides of my center ones.

But the following 9 Halloween candies - well, 8 Halloween candies, and 1 big F-you from the adults - were and still are Upchuck Central for me. How about you? Which of these sugar tragedies make your list of the worst Halloween candy?

Mounds & Almond Joy

Mounds & Almond Joy

Puke. Almond Joy's got nuts, Mounds don't, but what they both do have is desiccated coconut reconstituted in, I don't know, what is that, semen?

There's no hiding behind dipped chocolate here either. The only good part about these candy bars is since you're just going to throw them in the trash anyway, it's kind of satisfying and stress-relieving to smoosh them up inside their wrappers.

$15.49 ➠ Amazon

PayDay

PayDay
PayDay

Barf. PayDays are like the candy bar my Grandpa used to make inside his mouth when he'd pop a couple Werther's Chewy Caramels to dislodge the Planter's Peanuts stuck in his teeth from snack time the day before. They taste like a wad of old man spit should be next to the high fructose corn syrup on their list of ingredients too.

$13.99 ➠ Amazon

Smarties

Smarties

Yak. ... Actually, it's not that Smarties sweet 'n' tarties are bad per se. It's just that any house handing them out on Halloween - like, one little roll for all your trouble of walking up the front steps and ringing their doorbell - is a total letdown. If you're going to go the skimpy and fat-free route, at least give me some Laffy Taffy or a coupla War Heads.

$11.99 ➠ Amazon

Charleston Chew

Charleston Chew

Blow chunks. Of partially digested vanilla nougat all over the sofa of whatever medical office waiting room / tire center lobby / nursing home lounge has these F'd-up candies in their guest bowl. Gah! just the word "nougat" is enough to trip my gag reflex.

So that means Charleston Chews are actually a tag team of Worsts - 1) Worst Halloween Candy, made with 2) one of the Worst Words in the English Language. I wonder if "nougat" is in the Compendium.

$9.57 ➠ Amazon

Tootsie Rolls

Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie Rolls

Vomit of the ass. Because that's what they look like too. Vomit of the ass from someone who ate a pair of those wax lips.

$17.38 ➠ Amazon

Dubble Bubble Gum

Dubble Bubble Gum

Not so much Spew as My jaw, my jaw! This must be what the Tin Man felt like when he needed to be oiled. And it's not like you have to chomp on the wad of pink rubber all day long. That unmistakeable 70-year-old-with-TMJ feeling comes right on by chew #10.

$19.99 ➠ Amazon

Bit-O-Honey

Bit-O-Honey

Retch. Bit-O-Honey is for people who like bees and aspire to wear dentures at a young age. Especially if the temperature is below 75 degrees on Halloween night.

Now there were periods in my youth that I would devour anything - anything! - whose #1 ingredient was sugar, so I've definitely consumed my fair share of Bit-O-Honey. But in addition to not really liking the taste, the main thing I remember about these candies is that I had to sit on them for at least 15 minutes to warm and soften them up enough to be able to eat one without cracking a tooth or requiring the Heimlich.

$12.48 ➠ Amazon

Marshmallow Circus Peanuts

Marshmallow Circus Peanuts
Marshmallow Circus Peanuts

Hurl. I feel an anaphylactic shock coming on just looking at these things. What the moldy ground nuts even are they? The strangest part is how Spangler advertises their Marshmallow Circus Peanuts as a "fat free candy." I mean, couldn't any candy you'd puke back up the second it hits your esophageal canal be considered a "fat free candy"?

I guess they can't print "Bulimics' #1 Choice" on the package though.

$6.39 ➠ Amazon

Toothbrush

Toothbrush

No comment. ... Fine, one comment: to those who hand out toothbrushes to trick-or-treaters on Halloween, enjoy these few moments of smug superiority, you miserable middle-aged hags. Also enjoy the hours you're going to spend cleaning plastic forks and Charmin out of your yards tomorrow morning.

$32.48 for a Pack of 48 ➠ Amazon
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