No Give Backs! 18 White Elephant Gifts for 2021

These funny warning stickers from Bumblefack of Etsy shop AvEwerkz are like my favorite bumper sticker, "WARNING: This Vehicle Makes Frequent Stops at Your Mom's House," but for an industrial workplace setting, or your home workshop. Or maybe even stuck on the computer, desk toys, desk chair, and weight bench in your WFH office.

The SIPSIP Wine Glass is a wine glass with a straw, intended for people who are not me. In other words, people who want to drink lightly and politely. Who don't want to risk dribbling red wine on their white shirts and couches. Who don't want to leave lipstick marks on their wine glass and wine marks on their teeth. Who want to be able to suck down pour after pour without ever going to the trouble lifting their wine glass off the table.

I suppose in that last regard, the SIPSIP Wine Glass is the perfect gift for me.

Oh the changing whims of beauty! Seems like just yesterday everyone was buying makeup to hide their freckles, and now we have Freckle Pens made specifically to help dot on fake ones. Ladies, I don't know how you keep up. And if you're indeed as exhausted performing all of these grooming rituals as I am reading about them, I recommend you adopt the very simple one I follow: shower with soap and shave.

Unless you run out of the former, in which case water only is fine, and if you don't feel like doing the latter, just say you're letting it grow to raise money for cancer.

Wait, I thought the trend was for butts to get bigger, not smaller, but here The Buttress Pillow goes shrinking their pinchable, squeezable ass down into the Mini Butt Keychain. Maybe it's a fair trade-off though: less to grab and caress, but the solace of having a butt to fidget with when you need comfort and stress relief, no matter the time or place.

Full Face Mirror Sunglasses are convex configurations of UV-resistant PC panels and UV400 lenses made to protect not just your eyes, but also your nose and mouth, from the blinding and burning rays of the sun. And maybe part of your forehead and chin too, depending on how big your DNA decided to dole those body parts out.

Full Face Mirror Sunglasses are probably not a good substitute for a COVID face mask, but they could be used in tandem with one if you like seeing how many things you can pile on your head at once. Don't forget the over-ear headphones and baseball hat!

Although a bit strange, Krystyna Dulinska's nose warmers are also a bit adorable. Especially the ones she crochets into animals, such as tigers and koalas and, my favorite, the sheep. Two wood stick thumbs up for the snowman-style carrot nose warmer too.

But back to the "a bit strange part." Nose warmers also come in simple, colorful half-dome styles. And those nose warmers look like, uh, simple, colorful ball gags for your nose.

Or should I call them Half Frame Rhinestone Non-Glasses? The "W" shape of that lady's...uh...eyewear must stand for "What the four-eyes are these things?!" They don't improve your vision, they don't help you see in the sun, and I know they are most definitely not optometrist-approved for anything. So that leaves...fashion statement?

Thor's Hammer becomes TH2O's Hammer in this Thor's Hammer Water Bottle. Marvel fans, superhero fans, Norse mythology fans, Ragnorak on Netflix fans - prepare to get hammered. And by hammered, I mean hydrated.