Gifts for Fans of Fortnite
When I began pick(axe)ing around for gifts for fans of Fortnite I was really hoping to find McDonald's, or at least a McDonald's in France, in plans to release a Battle Royale with Cheese.
No such luck.
But even if it never happens, these creative and enterprising online retailers and independent artists have dropped a pretty good collection of merch onto the map that should satisfy all you fans of Fortnite out there, as well as those on the hunt for gifts for the Fortnite fans in your life.
Chug Jug Bottle Labels
Bring the longest 15 seconds of your life to real life! This pack of 16 Chug Jug Labels wraps around most bottles 2.5" in diameter and 3" tall, or larger. Think a 12-ounce Gatorade bottle or, if you want to turn this into a Chug Jug dare, a 28-ouncer of sriracha.
Once applied you can further congeal the Chug Jug label to your own bottle by heat shrinking it via a submersion in boiled water. Labels are made of glossy, tear-proof plastic.
Floss Like a Boss Shower Curtain
We know you can sing in the shower, but can you Floss like a boss while you're getting sudsed up and squeaky clean?
Here we go, arms in front, arms in back, hips to the right, hips to the...whoa. Y'alright there? Did you hit your head? Should I call 911? Should I Floss like a boss on your dead body?
Just Play It T-Shirt
Sorry GAM* of Fortnite fandom. This Nike-inspired tee from independent artist shop Glam Graphix comes in kids' sizes only. You can give it to your wee one though, and then when you see him or her wearing it, take "Just Play It" it as an inspirational instruction you'd be wise to follow.
*Grown ass men.
Truper 5-Pound Pickaxe
Let the games begin with where it all began. And if your gift recipient is more inclined to sit on the couch all cashew-spined over their controller playing Fortnite than they are to do some manual in the back yard, maybe Truper's pick and mattock head combo's similarity to the game's basic pickaxe will inspire them. Or at least make it easier for you to force their hand.
Fortnite Battle Royale Boogie Bomb LED Desk Prop
Dance, boy! I said, dance! Gone are the days of firing a gun at someone's feet to get them to bust a move. Now we do it Fortnite-style - with a grenade! And one that makes everyone inside the blast radius, not just one "boy" at a time, break it down.
Etsy shop Modified 3D prints these 5" Boogie Bombs out of biodegradable PLA Plus, and puts a few color-changing LEDs inside to complete the look.
Fortnite DIY Wood Crossbow
Your standard Wood Crossbow build kit from Decoloris Shop gets for(nite)ified with the include of 3 Fortnite targets, in addition to 8 rockets, to use as targets when your shooter is finished.
All you'll need for crossbow assembly is a small screwdriver - all 46 wooden parts, screws, string, rubber bands, and zip ties are included, along with an instruction booklet.
Completed crossbows can take down Fortnite targets from up to 10' away.
Durr Burger Onesie
Today marks the launch of Epic Games' Fortnite merch store, Fortnite Retail Row. It's mostly a bunch of unremarkable T-shirts, with the notable exception of this fine and juicy specimen. At printing the Durr Burger Onesie was up for pre-order, with shipment beginning in January 2019.
Unlike the Just Play It T-shirt, Durr Burger Onesies come in all kinds of sizes, from XS to 2XL, so all kinds of Fornite-fanning GAM and GAW can rock them during - and before, and after - Battle Royales.
Nike Elite Socks customized with the likes of Fortnite llamas and dance battles become Cocky Elite Socks.
Chug Jug Water Bottle
Call it a Bottle Royale. The Chugger Jug is a 16-ounce water bottle designed in the likeness of every Fortnite fan's favorite 15-second potable.
Use the Chug Jug replica to keep yourself healthy and hydrated after an intense Battle Royale, or, you know, fill it with whiskey and make everything seem OK no matter how low your character's health goes.
Monopoly: Fortnite Edition
Gee, Hasbro, that didn't take long. Millennials had to wait over 30 years for their version of Monopoly, but I guess that's because instead of bringing in hundreds of millions of dollars per month like Fortnite their just shelling it out so the Baby Boomers can keep sucking up Social Security and hoarding real estate.
Because there's no greater Fortnite gift than becoming the creator of the next great emote.
Unless Epic Games refuses to pay or acknowledge your work, in which case you can join Carlton, Swipe It, and Floss dance masters Alfonso Ribeiro, 2 Milly, and Backpack Kid in suing them.