Dude's Must See Products for September 2019
September just stormed in and snipped the ever-loving vas deferens off of summer, didn't it? The only good thing about the month of September was that, since it contains the start of fall, the first day of school, and the initial weeks-long amp-up to Halloween, we saw a lot of new products come out or resurge for the occasions.
Here are a few of Dude readers' favorites, and my must see products for September 2019.
Stuff to Help You Poop
Get ready to drop your deuce, plop your rolls, and herd your turds like the doo-doo-it-yourself master crapsman you could be with my gold star goods for your brown star pursuits. Enjoy my guide to stuff to help you poop.
Aliens Four Stages of Fear Beer Stein
Egg-->Facehugger-->Chestburster-->Xenomorph. Even at under a foot tall the Aliens Four Stages of Fear Beer Stein lives up to its name in its representation of Xenomorph evolution. I've never felt less inclined to guzzle myself guttered at an Oktoberfest. And I think I'll just stick with water at this year's Halloween party.
Razor RipSurf Dry Land Surfboard
If you can't go to the ocean, bring the ocean to - well, OK, not really. Razor's RipSurf is a "surfboard" for dry land, a design the company says will allow riders to carve out and cut on concrete just like they would on waves.
JABII Bluetooth-Connected Boxing Game
Like Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots? Don't just play them, become one with JABII. JABII is an interactive boxing boxing game combining elements of real-life fighting - via the soft 'n' safe JABII extendable arm - with the digital world of sensors, avatars, and stat tracking.
JABII is all about IRL duels, so you'll need at least 2 JABII arms to set up a match (i.e., there are no options to stand in front of a TV screen and battle a computer opponent.) The JABII arm consists of a soft rubber front and 42 built-in spring coiling for jabbing and POW!-ing. The coils help strengthen strikes, plus adjust the force upon impact and reduce the effect of gravity for any player's strength and body size, keeping battles (relatively) safe for everyone, and more about skill and technique than pure power.
Waspinator Wasp Nest Decoy
According to Waspinator this decoy for the stinging winged ones "fools wasps into thinking they missed their chance to set up shop near your home or camp." Though I'm not sure how much hanging a Waspinator off the eaves of your roof is going to do for your home's aesthetics - the thing looks like a bathroom can trash bag - if you're worried about wasp or hornet squatters, it might be worth the unsightly visuals. Just tell people it's functional avant garde art.
Origin Stoneblade Japanese Kiridashi Pocket Knife
Manitoba-based Origin Handcrafted brings some character - and some Canada - to the traditional Japanese Kiridashi with their Stoneblade Pocket Knife. The textured Kiridashi is both minimalist and standout in design.
No folding or flipping here, and no handle that doubles the length of your carry; the Stoneblade's grip is an extension of its 2" 1095 carbon steel blade, for a total length of 5". The knife stores in an equally simple Origin handcrafted vegetable-stained leather sheath, and has a leather cord lanyard to facilitate adding it to your EDC.
E5: What Is This Thing?
Hints: 1) It's a hands-on device in the figurative sense, a hands-off device in the literal one; 2) Its measurements are 9.8" x 7.9" x 3.9"; 3) I have my doubts that it works, but I'd sure like to see the right person try to use it.
Guinea Pig Halloween Costumes
"Isn't being a guinea pig enough? Storing food in my ever-moving puffy cheeks, providing cuddles upon request, and generally looking adorable? Now I have to wear a Unicorn Halloween costume to please you too? If you wanted a unicorn as a pet instead of a guinea pig, why didn't you just buy a unicorn instead of a guinea pig?!"
Do Fleabag and Hilary know about these costumes?
The Frustration Box
Disguised as a standard USPS Priority Mail package, The Frustration Box will arrive with little fanfare. Postman drops it off, your recipient picks it up - with a rush of happy curiosity if they hadn't remembered ordering anything - and Pranks Anonymous makes sure there's something inside, rattling around to egg them on. Then the fun begins.
Pumpkin Spice SPAM
Pumpkin Spice SPAM. Before your mouth gets watering too heavy, better dry off the dribble and get yourself to the SPAM store to buy some. This autumnal wonder is, like all other food blessed by the Pumpkin Spice Fairy, a limited edition release.
Cute Little Fu*kers Sex Toys
I didn't mark the Cute Little Fu*kers Sex Toys as NSFW, because the gender-inclusive vibrators actually are suitable for viewing at work*. That was one of Cute Little Fu*kers master(bating)mind Step Tranovich's design decisions in making them: leave one of the adorable silicone monsters "on display and no one will know it was in you!"
Freezy Freakies Retro Color-Changing Adult Snow Gloves
A little Hot Tub Time Machine mixed with a little 6-year-old you, and voila! Freezy Freakies retro color-changing snow gloves are back. Even better, these badass winter warmers of the 80s have grown with you, but in size only. The gloves feature the bitchin' scenes and cold-activated images you remember from your childhood, only bigger. Big enough to fit man hands.
Pennywise Balloon Lamp
Looks like IT's ready for Halloween (and Chapter 2.) Pennywise's red balloon looks even creepier emanating the LED glow produced by this Pennywise Balloon Lamp. Talk about a counterproductive piece of lighting. Lamps are supposed to eliminate the uncertainty and hidden dangers of the dark. Making the lamp itself a replica of the sign of an ancient evil parading as a dancing clown is just mean.
DIY Vasectomy Kit
Sweet! This DIY Vasectomy Kit should save me hundreds of dollars. Plus, the projected recovery time is a couple days longer - more if my wife screws up - so I'll be able to take off the whole first week of the NCAA tournament from work!
Prank gift boxes have been around for a few years now, but the jokesters behind them continue to bring top notch humor and creativity to their package designs for the Weirdest / Creepiest / Worst Gift Ever. The Do-It-Yourself Vasectomy Kit maintains every snippet of the ruse with 6 sides of content description, testimonials, and full-color photos. Right down to the maker of the vasectomy kit: Dr. Richard Payne.
Dr. Dick Pain!